December 31, 2007
No spacesuits n spaceships to lift us out of this mess. Go 2008 I mean. Yay. I got drunk (well I am drunk) it’s the first of January 2008 2:13am I got really drunk to cover the pain. It works but here comes the anxiety. At new years instead of stabbing myself I got my trumpet out and made some music for the suburb. I actually got applause. It felt good. The two critics next to me said i was 9 out of 10 and 8.5 so a fairly good average for a drunk playing wildly at midnight with a crowd of 30-50. Why I did it I don’t know I was just needing to get something out. I’m still in pain but I don’t care.
Tonight turned 0ut way different then i expected.
Happy New Year Fellow bloggers,
December 30, 2007
Well its 5:45 in the morning Once again I went to hospital yesterday. This is how it goes. I was too suicidal to give pain or anxiety medication to. So I said as they discharged me so am I gonna have withdrawals? The nurse looked at me and was sad to say yes. I walked out to be picked up still with pain all over.
They say don’t worry it’s just stress. How can I be happy about that. It really hurts to be in the middle of earth and the heavens. Why won’t any doctors hear me. I’m in so much pain right now and theres nothing I can do. I’ve had the last of my contraband analgesics. So If I live to see the next six days. Im goin to my doc to get some real help.
I cut myself again. I was so angry and in physical pain. I cut the back of my leg. It helped momentarily. I just want to do it all over just to cope for now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m pretty depressed. No …… I’m sure I am.
I’ve been doing what my therapist said. Mindfulness and relaxation excercises are a gold things to learn. It’s Just when things start to become to much I have trouble slowing down. So much I cant put anyone through anymore of it. They don’t know how to help and neither do I.
Funny or not so funny thing is I’m making plans of escape. People are also funny. They want you to live. (But they don’t quite know why) Thats what I asked a mental health nurse.
Owwwwww everyhing hurts. This is real s***.
Everyone is demanding to know my secrets. I love these people but hey leave me alone or help – don’t push.
I have had it. It’s my life. Or not.
btw fellow bloggers have helped my situation. Somewhat more then crisis call numbers.
Good Luck for 2008
December 29, 2007
Squirming, sweating, crying, anxious again, vertigo. I can barely walk without holding myself against something. I think they expect I’ll get a whole lot better over the holidays. Without the benzo’s ……………….. I don think so. They expect me to get my meds every 3rd day. I have agoraphobia. It’s so f***ed. I called the local crisis again tried to get some help. Don’t ask me why. I need to see my doc soon I really need to.
BTW one sock off is referring to the fever that comes and goes. And the fact I only have one sock on.
Turns out this was probably Ross River Virus more then a benzo withdrawal. But in any case my medication was ceased overnight by doctors and this was not to be expected.
December 27, 2007
I admit it I really need help and don’t want to end my life. I just can’t seem to find the right help. Last night (very late) I called up my brothers mobile. Yep thats right sleep talking. I need to be locked in my room at night for the safety of those around me and myself. This morning after a horrid night of unbearable visions and nighmares and the third day of waking up totally suicidal. So I call my local crisis number the lady on the phone helped a bit by telling me how to distract from the feeling. I don’t know what I want. I want help because I’ve seen another side but I feel I’ll never live there. I called a closer crisis centre and explained how I felt and how running out of meds wasnt helping either. They immediatly jumped on the “she just wants drugs train” and basically said sorry we don supply them goodbye. I was saying. I know that but it’s a contributor to how I feel. eg BENZO withdawal. beep beep beep. Ahhh thats better I feel a whole lot better. I was judged and hung up on. My symptoms of depression and anxiety are skyrocketing this week and that was the most unhelpful advice I’ve ever had. I called back the oiginal crisis number and she calmed me down alot. Enough for me to come on here and type this.
So it just shows how much help you get out of a crisis line is how well the other person will talk with you.
December 25, 2007
I woke up this morning grabbed a long neck beer and sat on the porch calling people wishing them a good day. Then It was my turn. I went to relatives house with lots of people there. I was quite freaked to begin with but it eased over an hour. It was coming home that really pushed my anxiety up. I luckily brought some oxazepam with me. I also got given a soft toy for Christmas. That was also very helpful in calming down.
A nice day all round. Ready for the drinks n fun now. It’s 10:24 and I wanna party even if it is by myself.
Peace Merry Christmas or happy Tuesday if that’s your thing,
December 20, 2007
Well the last week has been turmoil to say the least. In a moment of shiraz drunkeness I slipped down some stairs and sprained my ankle. My back is still annoying me and giving me a good dose of pain.
So I go to the doctors to get my ankle looked at but it really wasn’t my biggest problem. I told them how I was mentally. The doc was very understanding. I still left the docs feeling like jumping under a car. The docs an receptionists let me stay in the waiting room for my lift home.
A day later things get worse I almost got to the finish line when my partner calls the police on me. I told my partner in a moment of anger something I never wanted to verbalize. Well now it’s out I have to deal with it. The police came brought me to hospital. Stayed for a couple of nights (thinking well hey have to let me out sooner or later.) The hospital staff and nurses actually got me thinking. I now feel less suicidal. I feel like theres a way out of this. It will take time I know. I just take it a minute at a time. Theres hope for everyone.
*If your reading this and feel at all like I have please get yourself to a doctor and tell them what you are feeling. Depression is hard to deal with alone like other mental illnesses.