February 26, 2008
Well once again I took my meds for sleeping I drank milk till the cows left. That was about 9 last night. I gave up trying to sleep at 3am. I was hyper, paranoid n yeh pretty crazy. So I promised my partner I wouldn’t do anything stupid or thoughtless. So he trusted me, That was good.
Feeling pretty delusional at the moment. What was that??? Sorry thought I heard you say something. I got1 doctor and a therapist to see today. geeeeeeeeez I can see stuff (that ain’t there). Should be interesting. Hmmm maybe interesting’s not the word. Don’t feel like swearing so I’ll stick with interesting.
February 26, 2008
Literally I was just sitting out the front when a big black dog came and sat next to me. A real sweety too. At the time I was on the phone to Julian. It was a very strange thing to have happen.
February 25, 2008
I still cant sleep. all these problems in my head. I can’t release. I can’t just stay awake forever. I can’t even drink my way to sleep. I’ve had some diazepam and serepax. I’ve drunk a cows worth of tryptophane. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don’t know how to sleep. F**k this is bad. I really wanna cut but I’m not gonna. I haven’t even been on my ADHD meds for a while. Drivin me nuts. Can’t finish a … a… sentence or anything.
I think I need to go back in I know that some of them will treat me with little respect but who cares thats they’re job maybe others can help.
The fact of the matter is I am nuts. I don’t want to go to bed. It’ll just remind me of my last nightmares. I’m scared. I get a fever when I get into bed I start getting paranoid.
I don’t know how or why I’ve lasted this long. Friends and family I guess. no wait I’m a narsacistic attention seeker.
How did this world become so cruel???
I’m trying and getting no where. I need sleep I know that I need food I know that. But actually doing these things is becoming impossible.
Well thats my rant, Thanks for reading.
February 24, 2008
So I stupidly call these guys some who are just complete wankers. Cos I got a nice big knife ready to stab myself with. Which caused a stir in the house.
So I’m on the phone to this really not understanding guy who see’s no problem only that im a narsasistic egotistical person. He said well ya mustn’t care much for your partner if your gonna top yourself. He was completely arrogant he didn’t understand what my problems were and how bad they got. And the fact I’ve had nightmares, ptsd, ocd, panic disorder, racing thoughts for a very long time. Im having a hard time controlling it. Let alone a tropical virus a f**ked back , sprained ankle, Trigeminal neuralgia and a family that doesn’t really get me.
He just kept referring me to see my therapist and kept saying ‘look you’ve had therapy for x amount of months you should know how to deal with everything. Well here some news I’m f**ken ADHD and I forget everything (yay for cognative process)
Now with that list of problems not even super councilor from the planet Psych could cover half my problems.
I’m very grateful that my therapist has helped me so much with my OCD an Agoraphobia. But she can’t be expected to cover all bases. She is a super therapist. I’m just a slow patient.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do now but I’ll hang on the earth a bit longer just to piss people off as one said.
So now I feel worse then before I called. Again thank you to the very competent Mental Health Team.
I just can’t take it anymore. How f***n blind can some people be. Yes I know there are strings that need tying and friends that need apologies.
I can’t think straight at all.
February 24, 2008
So yesterday evening we go for a drive to check out this bloke passed out in his car engine on and one wheel spinning of the driveway. I walked up to the car n reached in and turned the car off. then tried to wake the driver or not driver. after tapping him a bit to arous him after a while he slowly awoke with a large amount of drool to the car seat. I asked if he was alright. He just talked about the weather quite slurry. I waited a bit to see if he was ok . He assured me with some noises and grunts he’d jack his car up back onto the pavement. I was satisfied with that and left.
It was really quite surreal. I don’t usually approach strangers passed out in their car. Its the ADHD that makes me do that.
Well I hope he’s doin ok now.
Strange post I know but these strange things in life just seem to pop up now n then n this was one of them.
February 23, 2008
Ya’ll know who you are. The ones I’ve spilled my heart out to. They’ve been there solid for me. I have let them down by not being as with it. But they continue to help me and push me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to stay here. I love all you guys. Weather they be nurses or fellow bloggers PA thankyou. And Julian if only we could really meet. Like I said I love you all.