March 25, 2008
Today I’m gonna indulge in a sport. Lift me up a bit. I already had my meds so wish me luck I’ll try not to be in line o fire.
Last night I had a nightmare. Can’t really remember it. But it’s still at me during the mornings and nights. I think the Olanzepine might be making it worse. It’s great to put me to sleep. Just staying asleep is the hard bit.
March 23, 2008
But make sure your down an not happy. That way you will be ignored by everyone. Wow do people run tooo see if your ok when you really relaxed.
Choose life choose whateva the heck you want
March 22, 2008
Today was good. Nice weather happy people.
The last few days I’ve been working on an oil painting. At the moment it looks quite disturbing but soon I hope to turn it into a thing of beauty. I have to concentrate, (Hyper focus) on anything. I’m jumping from one thing to another every 10 minutes to 10 second. Thats probably why the paintings not finished.
Good thing is the latest person to come into my life needs help with something I specialize in. I think I could get to enjoy teaching what I have learned.
Another friend dropped in today which really lifted my mood to see he was doing well. I’m feeling stronger in myself for having now someone to help. But feel like falling apart at any time.
On top of it all the attack starts happening around dinner so I take some new medication I read about on the net that might reduce pain. Well all I feel is a bit sick n like shite. Probably the cocktail I had because of the awful panic attack that happened earlier I just chucked a few diazepams down. With the oxycontin as well it may be interacting but err who gives a f**k any way. I’ll do anything for a sleep without paranoia and nightmares.
I know Coping strategies but I can never seem to put them in place. I don’t know why the hospital left me this way. I can’t make any decisions for myself or anything. I’m feeling numb, careless, sad. But like the mental health team said “Well If your gonna kill yourself why haven’t you done it yet?”I believe they were quite uneducated and did not think about what they were saying.
I’ll just keep myself distracted and face my problems some other time.
March 22, 2008
Well I got up early today to smell the gum trees and look for letters in a letterbox I know has nothing in it yet but just looking normal to the neighbours to some degree makes me feel not so bad. In winter I get the fallen branches and even tho it looks cheap it’s life and They’re good pieces of firewood. I like fires. I really do. In many forms.
I going to Dads today. so I’m making extra sure I’m ready for worst case ( panic attack or Trigeminal attack) both I get very uneasy and don’t like when people see me in pain. they usually want to do something but as so many doctors, mental health workers, people i know have told me to relax and it will go. bottom line is it happens when it happens and I’m doing my very best to steer my mental illness and pain away from other people. Otherwise I’ll get all anxious that I’m making them anxious. Plus they’ll continue to push me in to situations I don’t want to be in.
I hope the pain clinic comes up with something better then a knife or a new unknown drugs with unknown side effects
Life so complex. Yet when Im in pain I can only think of one thing.
March 21, 2008
Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m. I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.
So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great. I don’t want it to ever wear off.
Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.
I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)
Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.
When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.
March 20, 2008
I went back in. Wasn’t feeling good at all the doc wrote a referal for the hospital. So again sent to the naughty room. Sat there for some hours. I finally went out for a smoke as I was walking back one of the Mental health workers came over to where I was smoking.
We had a chat bout some things he was understanding/Listened and gave me some antipsychotics and let me go home.
So I slept last night.
I feel like shite today. No motivation. I’m amazed I can write this. Well least I got 1 more tab for tomorrow.
Peace and Love,
March 18, 2008
Well last few days have been a haze of pain and depression. I needed to get help from my local hospital. I waited for a while in the waiting room got my blood pressure done. Then later had some blood taken which turned out quite difficult and it hurts when all they get it air then the pressure pulls the syringe tight again. Yeah now my arm hurts too. I know she was trying her best. Yeah that was a great 5 hours in the ‘naughty room’. Till this crisis worker from the local “crisis ” centre M strolls in. tells me were to sit and starts rambling about self harm and how I should get over it and “if you feel suicidal why haven’t I done it yet. Get over it and go home”. I think the only words I got in were ‘”Do you have any Idea what pain is?” In her semi professional* manner she looked at me for a while as to say something witty then turned away and continued to write some other more important things. As she walked back into the nurse station. I don’t know what to say. Could I really be having this bad luck or is this where mental health is?
I at least got respect and got to talk to a doctor. I got to actually say what I wanted and she listened too.
Then I was out on the street with a long walk or a meet up with my partner and get home.
Luckily the doctor called my partner he turned up.
When we got home I was miserable to say the least. My partner made me pancakes n played dice with me, I took a bunch of Valium. Kept my cool n wake up I’m pretty hung over from the diazepam but ya get that. Least I’m kinda sane, Hearing from a friend today lifted me as well. I wish he was happier too.
So I’m writing this down because I need to get it all out.
*( I’m really not sure if she is even a psychologist le alone have any training or researches any of her work.)