October 21, 2008
I think I’m starting to shake it. Not the TN but the depression.
I’m filling every gap of my day with painting, playing and dancing(breakin). It makes my whole body happy when I dance(maybe one day I’ll post a pic.) it’s always brought me out of bad times (when I havent been in pain or injured). I just can’t feel that real kick I use to get. I think it’s because I’m still lonely. This is no offense to my friends and supports. I have deliberatly separated myself from everyone. I know it’s my fault. That’s the way I planned it. It’s better this way.
I’m taking valium everyday which I think is helping me cope enormously as I have less pain and less thoughts.
I’m starting to feel achy again and don’t want to even think about Ross River. It really can’t be as bad the second time round. I’ll just keep busy and distract – distract – distract. It seems to be the ONLY way right now.
If need be i’ll take something later to alleviate the pain.
October 20, 2008
When I go to the beach I can’t help but make sand things. theyre usually just a mess off sand after the dogs have stepped on them a few times but still. Good memories. Heres my sea turtle.
And My Old Doggie ‘Brusey Boy’ He was a beautiful boy.
Theres some of my playing in sand and in my way relaxing.
BTW more pics soon.
October 20, 2008
I hate being left alone. My partner has gone out just to the shops. But it’s long enough for my brain to start racing and feeling uncontrollable. I must admit when I was in hospital I did feel a bit safer. Only a bit. But it was safer then being alone. I hate when my TN triggers in front of people. But whats worse is when it happens and they’re not around. I’m left with my own thoughts and judgement which are majorly impaired (re- last year of my life).
I guess half of me writing this was so I wasn’t alone.
If you feel the same way I do. Write it down or play a video game anything you can thats safe to keep your mind from going down.
October 20, 2008
As you know I’ve been keeping the pain in my face in check with that huge list of medications. A riend introduced me to a substance used readily all over the world for pain but I was hesitiant to start due to the unpredictable nature of the plant. The plant Im reffering to is P.Somniferum. It has been the most effective relief I’ve had since being on Oxycontin. But It has downsides. Huge ones. It’s very addictive and when needing to stop. It’s quite hard.
A couple of days ago I admitted myself to the local hospital as I think I may have had too much P.Somniferum (Opium). The docs really had no idea what to do with me but check my obs every now n then and discharge me the next day.
Predictibly I took the same stuff to get rid of the majority of pain. But not really thinking I took it from the same batch and ended up in the hospital again. I had to see a drug treatment specialist to talk about going on a methadone program in my city.
The doctors had endless questions about the Somniferum. I didn’t want to answer anything. I feel like people see me as a drug fiend now. Rather then a person in desperation for pain relief.
I’m lucky I have a social worker I can explain this to. She’s really understanding and really listens. Don’t stop trying until you find someone you click with otherwise you may find therapy of any kind harder then it should be.
I have two new doctors to meet. A neurologist and a pain management/drug specialist. So soon with any hope I will have the prper medication and my pain will be at an aceptable level. Hey I might even be less depressed.
October 11, 2008
Yeah the beer isn’t a great idea but I’m not on earth to make great Ideas and fix everything I’m just here for a good time. If I can help someone on the way I will but life is really just a game- a show for everyone. To enjoy and feel entertained. So I’ll make the most of it while I consider myself a capable irresponsible umm adult.
I’m relaxing today got some mates droppin in to cheer me up. They’re all pretty ADHD. But I don’t think they understand how depressed I am. I’ll keep being happy because of they’re precance. But I really want toparticipate. The TN leaves me to fatigued to do anything. They wanna play laser skirmish in the backyard.
They also got some gun powder so we can make some experiments. 😉
but with all these people come all this panic so I took some Clonaz for my face. And yes It works A1 for the TN attacks. It’s a really good TN drug. Then I took some Valium to top off the anxiety I’m close to feelin like bein a trouper in the backyard hey I’ll have a big gun. Least I’ll feel bit more powerful. Gotta fight right. If only for fun.
Sorry F*** the contract tonight!!!
October 8, 2008
I feel happier now it’s waming up. well I don’t know if it’s true happy but at least I can go outside n play on the peewee bike, I’ve just recovered from an ankle injury which had me on crouches again for a couple of weeks. My mate next door cheers me up he’s cool he’s gonna make a dayum good bboy one day. His very inspirational too. he will find a way of making fireworks or at least fire out of something in the house.
As for my pain ‘management’ Ever since I saw the hospital specialist I’ve been in more pain then ever. Luckily about a month ago I started taking a mushroom supplement called’Ganaderma’ and it seems to have relaxed my quite alot I don’t really know if it’s reducing attacks yet.
My doc has sent me to a new doctor who handles chronic pain so this time I should be out of the woods and living a near ppain free life. I focus on the day I will wake up and feel free from attacks or at least have fewer attacks. That way my mind is focused on the best and ONLY outcome.
The depression well it comes and goes. I think if happy is 10 and sad is 5 Im about 3 most of the time. mainly due to the pain getting in the way of everything I love and enjoy. So even when I am happy (6) I don’t have much motivation to get the paints out or clean the dance floor.
My only real help these days medically is tylonol3s (panadeine 30) valium and stillnox. The T3’s are ok but no where near the realief I had from Oxycontin (long lasting painkiller). The valium helps my face alot and reduces most anxiety. And of course because I only sleep 3-4 hours a night Stillnox is the go works every time. Even half a tablet works. The doc said it was better because it’s not addictive like Temazepam (but costs 2 dollars a tablet!!! jeeeesh). Well I’m very happy with the stillnox it doesnt leave me with a hangover and lets me drift to sleep as soon as I lie down. I don’t even remember nightmares.
I’ve been trying to paint again lately (stuggling) I think I have the guts to post my pics now so next blog will be some of my works.