Happy New Year 2009 Everypne

December 31, 2008

Well it’s 15 minutes till midnight. Much love.



Looking over the day

December 29, 2008

Well just as I thought everything would be bad  today but. An aquaG dropped in with some sparkling ale. Which was great at the time but now I got anxiety again. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cant stand being inbetween type person. Can’t drink too much or it affects my patch then can’t drink anyway because my brains screwed on wrong and makes me paranoid and panic.

-Julian lets hang around in the lost and found together. Meet you soon mate-

Thanks to someone who put me on to the TN site. I find it great It’s like there is a lot more in my position.

I’m so miserable it couldn’t be measured. I am alone again and don’t know what to do with all these left over feelings.

I’ll write more when I have something useful to say.



Just started hasn’t it?

December 29, 2008

After some horrific nightmares of tunnels and weird people  etc. Might talk about it more later. I openend my eyes this morning and thought. Feels warm looks like a nice day  for the weather. So I patted Bonny (the new pup) and got up.  I went straight to the shower. As I went in the Pup came through the lounge and started playing rough with the big dog and my Husband. I told them not to play rough because of her broken leg but It’s like I get told off.

I got to the shower and keeping withing the 3 minute time frame as not to destroy humanity through lack of water.  I kept hearing this noise and it was really iritating me. When I worked out it was the man playing with the dogs I got really annoyed. He just wouldnt stop. My entire 3 minutes of peace was wasted When I walked into the loungeroom he had Techno playing and still playing with the dogs. He stopped after a while and had breakfast. I tried to relax I got the mp3 player and some phat headfones with Eelliott Smith and the beatles or somthing to calm me down. well my headphones were broken by this stage the music in the house was up 10 fold and so was my panic I mean I’ve been up for only half an hour today.  I hope this isn’t the start of the show. Otherwise it’s more benzos ad heavy tranquilisers till night. Where I’m sure I will have done no house work and will realise my destiny again.  Soon The world will call itself 2009. I will write something nice before then.


Night Worrier

Merry Christmas or Happy Thursday

December 25, 2008

This morning  I went to see my Dad and co which was  good. I didn’t stay long because it was hot and I still have to look after my little pup Bon – Yep she has a name now. Shes 6 weeks broken leg now only 2 more to go then we see how it goes. I’m sure she’ll be strong she’s a smart dog.

Well today my Dad and his wife got me a jpeg so now I can carry 50 cool photos of friends and my pets on a keyring which is rather cool but I don’t expect presents and am just not religious to get into like most people.

I got dad something anyway just a little online thing about the things he loves.

So now it’s 3;50 in the morning and I decided I’m alone well I have a friend over shes asleep and my partner who is always doing something is somewhere. So it’s strobe, fog,chaser lights, DJ tiesto, ambient cafe del mar tracks too, and of course some dance shoes. Seems the day went smoothly

Pain today got quite bad around 45 oclock and it as sudden intense burning stabbing so Iused my topicals, pills and relaxed as much as possible, It finally left me alone and back on earth.

Now the hardest one of all. New Years Eve.  It use to be up to me to be a dickhead and do stupid things on nye when I was younger eg. running into city fireworks and thrown back over saftey barrier to a really crazy friend. (Not crazy like me like funny crazy). Slap police horses on the ass to see if they are really well trained, etting traffic to stop for pedestrians by getting really smashed and throwing my self on the road in front of them. Well let’s say I’ve had some interesting ones in the past.

This year I will do as I have done for years… Stay at home maybe hear some fireworks (maybe make some!!!)  then try and face this >2009< I don’t want to sit arounnd and wait any more.



It’s called 140. I don’t know why… Or From Oxycontin to Duragesic.

December 21, 2008


Finishedwith pills. But Still can’t keep a grip on these new fentanyl patches I get anxious hot flushes and sometimes feel a bisick but it’s been the best so far apart from the Oxycontin which was a life saver, But if the doc thinks patches are better he must know something I don’t because from what I’ve read the patches are stronger then the tablets. The clonaz is helping with breakthrough pain and helping me sleep but I gotta say after taking so many different medications this year it’s been more then confusing. And definatly has not helped my mental state. I think the reasoning behind not prescribing oxycontin is because some people abuse it. On the contrary I’ve heard of people abusing the patches too and not living to tell the tale.

I just don’t see why they don’t  say “Well what worked for your tn to begin with?” and we start from there again. But I will never understand the logic in this world or the medical/mental health system.

On the mental side of things I’m getting so stressed out I went into the chemist to get my serenase (halperidol) to save my ass when I lose it like this morning. Sometimes when I have the TN I’m so angry that I’m supposed to live a normal life but it isn’t possible with any TN. I look around and see people who don’t have it everywhere. I feel like It’s me alone with this pain and others can only just guess how painful and hard it is for me. I am alone here in my city with this yet to meet someone eye to eye who understands this crazy pain. I thank Julian from my heart for always being there when I couldn’t take it anymore. You might be half a world away Julian but when you call me it’s like we’re in the same room.

Thanks to everyone on wordpress for putting up with me and my somewhat nonsensical entries,



BTW My 100th entry yay.

Zonked to Deal with the day

December 13, 2008

well today it was last resort time 300mgs of seroquel. Plus a couple of clonazepam.

Yesterday I lost it. I was lucky enough to talk to some people at a Christmas party. But I was exhausted. My social worker heard me out an told the boss. He was also very listening. He stayed with me at the hospital till 10? I felt like someone was watching my back and really cared about what I said.

I slept in the hospital most of the night and reflected on things.

Bout to have some water.



Hate to Live, Hate to Leave

December 11, 2008

Another morning of Ross river pains and a day of pretending to smile. Well I can’t hold this pose much longer. I’m gonna crack soon. My new pup broke her leg 3 weeks ago shes had it re broken since and there gonna do it again. This is costing $$$.

All the docs and psychs and them are desperately trying to help. but controlling me like a pet dog at the same time “In ya come” “sit down” “eat these pills” well I hope no one does the last thing there. With freedom comes happiness. These tight restrictions are confusing everything much worse. Makes me less want to talk to professionals. Ok they finally get it I have real f***in pain.) They want drug test s because they want to make sure I take my medication at the right times and I don’t forget or take other things I guess. But I really hate blood tests and they’re always doing them I’ve always turned out fairly healthy apart from the RRV.

I’m continuially starting fights with my partner and getting really angry. Much worse then I use to. I am so sorry for what happened I don’t feel like me at all anymore. I still remember how to act like the old me but I can’t feel any true happiness. I am still happy for others fortune and luck but nothing is lifting my spirit. Things seem to get from bad to worse. EVEN WORSE WHEN I FORGET TO TAKE DEXAMPHETAMINE.  I must work on my brain fast to relax or things are gonna get twisted and maybe worse.

I know I can’t say this having a partner at all but I feel lonely I miss my family and the joy they/we have when we catch up. They all live so far away and the ones left close are about to move to the northern hemisphere.

I don’t know/ what or how to think. Its like a one way dead end street for me.

Ill be having sometime away from night worrier but i”ll be back just a matter of $$$. I’ll prob get my line cut and loose a few necessities for my pup. I don’t want to leave the world now but when its so much financial, family, mental health (I cant even afford my meds), Physical (also uninsured( for lack of better name we have a slightly different system here in OZ) expensive meds)

I cant afford to eat which is fine because I haven’t been hungry in ages. At least my helper worker drops off some food occasionally well fairly often. I was happy with her help. She saved a few of my days from disasters I mean me vs other humans. I really wish I liked this world. I’m really utterly bored with life. My passion is gone for everything.

Been peddling backwards too long.

I hope everyone can see a light in there lives when they feel down. I wish I could help you all to see something. But I truly understand how hard things can be.