Beach Today

January 28, 2009

Today was hot ……….. very hot. The basement was comfortable for a while but the beach was the thing I really needed the waves and sound perhaps not all the people. Which brings me to a thought do people just smile and are friendly at the beach beacause they have to squint which kinda gives off the expression of a smile or are people happier at the beach or are people uncomfortable walking around in near nothing with strangers everywhere? Hmmm too many variables. I Shouldn’t think too much about that sort of stuff. Just makes the world more confusing and me more frustrated with my understanding of human dynamics. I don’t get it. Can’t it all be simple.
We went to a dog beach there were lots of nice dogs there. I saw a stingray about a metre long came very close to me It was grey /black with big eyes a very adorable gift.
I walked my Bonnie girl for her first time on the beach. She didn’t like the water much so we made sand castle and dug. She had fun.
I took some photos did some dancing on the beach and wrote Kiwis name in the sand before sunset. I know he was watching.

To take or not to take?

January 24, 2009

I still need more sleep but I’m not sure weather I can take seroquel or halperodol with my normal meds. I’m going crazy I feel it. I’m gonna have a seroquel if anything to scared of taking the latter. I’m having some chips soon so thats somthing apart from soup which has been the only thing I can just stomach.
I wish Julian was up he’d know what to do. I’m gonna try call him again.


If anyone else knows a good idea I will be eternally grateful. The longer I’m awake the worse mental stuff gets. OCD, Racing thoughts etc…

Things couldn’t get more gooder!!!

January 24, 2009

My title reflects my literacy capacity. That statement is also untrue in many ways. I’m stressed to the max I have had the hardest time*(LD). I’m just a mess at the moment. a mess of medications, illness and major stress as the star of the show.

Hospital again, police all that. The coppers were actually really good to me made me feel safe.  A local other mental health service approached me and said how ya doin? I said quite rudely “Why do you give a Toss” then I stopped and suddenly forgot I was not giving that worker any time to talk and I was judging him simply because the service he works for have been more then incompetent and judgemental themselves. So throughout the night while I waited for my night time clonaz to arrive this worker was actually good. he had worked on people like me before. He told*(LD) me statistics at first then I told him I was happy now and he can go. He didn’t. He just poured some water on the flames. Well by the end of my stay the hospital they had well and truly turned me from a cocky, ADHD, pace about, and laugh that there is anything wrong with me to a pathetic dribbling honest mess by morning I had got past D and A two more workers in the morning but the interview room after was too much. I couldn’t hold the image much longer.39933993 running out.

The first A MH worker asked why I hurt myself when I already feel hurt from things. I don’t know I really don’t but I do know Im not buy blades at the pharmacy where I get my medication anymore. Its summer and I’m sick of covering *(LD) I’m sure the people in the pharmacy think oh yeah she buys blades every week with her scripts because everyone needs 5 industrial blades a week to keep in they’re bag. I even get sterilising stuff. They’re so nice to me there I have know idea why??? I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to deal with it. In the past twenty four hours I have done my own thing and I hope it continues.

The new service thats helping me has done more in the last week for me then I’ve had since my third and only decent admission to the hospital to get treated for agrophobia and panic attacks.  They have moved planets to help me.

I can’t believe they’re is help like this on the same plane, planet, rock spinnin that I’m on.They are like gods hand selected humans in the same place. (I don’t believe in god so that was weird to say) I believe in different things but we won’t go there.  Or they’ll drag me back in.

I am keeping cool and staying out of trouble. Another day of  ‘Total Overdose’ my favorite xbox game. If ya know what I mean ‘Gringo’ hehe I get sometimes I need total and complete carnage. I need to feel I’ve wiped some evil of the earth. Even if they be graphics. I don’t have the strength to actually have a good half hour on the boxing bag n weights. Not even 30 seconds actually. Weak as.

I guess that’s something we all felt when the terror reign of Bush was over. I think we all sighed at the same time.

I don’t want to go from my basement on the hill* until my stress war is over or if I need to use the net.

So that’s my quick blog for today I need food n sleep and run amok later.


Nightworrier (shape shifted)

Take care.

Thanks everyone, Dad,  Julian,  New community program (Everyone in it), Gust, Dragon, EZ, Badge, Jam, Tito I wish we talked more, Z, Sho, Viz you all put so much in.( funny thing is you’ll probably never read this and have know idea how much you mean)  Course not to forget K and The Rosario boys. Even tho half of us are a world apart you’ve helped me feel human.

Thanks to the people that have helped me on wordpress your comments have been gold to me. GOLD.

Opiate withdrawals (terrible reaction)

January 21, 2009

A day at the beach and a night in hospital. What happened? My 50 microgram patch kept falling off so I covered it with medical tape which I found absolutley useless. Still kept falling off so I wasn’t getting the dose of Fentanyl I should’ve had. I left the beach and got home but not in time to go to the chemist to get my refill. I’m not allowed to take any other opiates.

Later that night or should I say 3 in the morning I was feeling awful my heart felt really strained and I was in a right mess squirming around on the floor, It wasn’t the pain so much that was bothering me but the absolute hell of trying to crawl out of my skin. By 4 am I was getting worse and couldn’t stand up.

By then my partner was asking if he could call the ambulance. I let him an it seemed like a lifetime for them to show up but it was probably only 10 minutes. Every second was like a new hell. I couldn’t work out for the life of me what was wrong. I have been pretty stressed latley though. When the ambos came inside they wanted to take my blood  but i was still a absolute mess and couldnt stay still. So I summond all the strength I had to stay still as for 5 seconds so the ambo could stick the needle in.

When I was in the ambulance the put 3 seat belts across me and tryed to keep me still but I managed to kick the sheet off of me.  So the ambo undid one of the straps for me. I think either that or broke it ( i really doubt that though).

At the hospital I still couldn’t stay still they tried to put heart stickers on but i was still a mess I could not stay still. They kept asking me simple questions when  I was so confusd even tho its my local hospital I couldnt belive it was it just didnt seem the same. The only question I knew for sure was that it was 2009 and I was pretty pleased I had the right answer.

The doctor thought it must of been Fentanyl withdrawals which I now know as a very nasty withdrawal to go through. When I calmed down I really passed out I was constantly awoken by the nurses and doctors shaking me and saying my name very loud (which also scared me) for tests or xrays .

Needless to say I’m back on the patch and it took about 6 -8 hours to take effect. My face and body are so much better.

In the future I will get my script on time and not ever let this happen again.



How do you know if you OD?

January 14, 2009

Well yesterday was 40 degrees plus and my fentanyl patch was itchy and I fellt like throwing up then I was really sick I kept falling asleep.. I just woke up and tore the patch off and drifted back to sleep. I think the hot weather affected it.

I woke up and stuck it back on.  So what happened??? was that a bit of a fast absorb or somthing?

I think I was ODing cause my breathing was difficult and shallow.

So for anyone in my position take the patch off as fast as you can If you feel like that or probably go to hospital or at least  tell somone. Don’t be dumb like me and think you know what ya doin. I’m a bit careless and think of myself as tough. That just shows how mortal I am.  I am making an effort to live everyday I’m not gonna stuff it all up because of a simple med problem.

Never felt that dead on the old Oxycontin medication. Well that was a very hot day. My house gets very hot with no cooling.

Moving into basement now. Cool down there.

Be careful.



Day by day i will get better.

Where is she?

January 10, 2009

My last admission to a psych ward I had a room mate we got along great. We always went out for smokos and talks. We painted and drew pictures together and we really understood each other.

After we left we kept in contact.  A bout 2 months ago we started meeting up at cafes in the hills. We had plans of sitting on the beach and watching the sunset. I knew she was depressed.

I don’t know how to deal with this again.

I miss you SJ xoxoxo

Love, Peace,

Nightworrier  (Dasha)

xo I’ll see you again one day ox

Painting usually works

January 6, 2009

I just can’t pick up a brush plus I only have 3 brushes left. I ‘ve reall screwed em up. Heres a Painting I kinda like. One of my first.

Angel oil

Angel oil

This sort of painting use to make me feel good. I mean I was so brave I used vermillion. I just thought it was about time sokme of yas got to see some of my work.

Too many thoughts right now. feel loosin it.I Can’t find my friend. we’ll talk soon babe. xo

Much love, Peace,

Night Worrier