Swimming with the fishes

February 28, 2009

I remembered 2 days ago that only 40 minutes away is a reef with fish. I packed up our wetsuits and snorkels and went to the beach. When we got there it was hot and I was awoken by a cool splash in the face by my partner. I think the heat didn’t agree with my patch. I figured once I was in the water it’d cool me down which was right.

I got to the shores edge and started swimming. I ignored the constant helicopters flying above. I guess they were there to look out for sharks but I figured there’s not much you can do if they want a piece. I swam to the reef which was a bit unnerving at times when it was 30-40 foot deep and the occasional big fish would swim by. I didn’t think I’d make it there but I continues with one fin as my other foot is still pretty sprained. As soon as I approached the reef small very beautiful fish approached me and swam around. I took a huge breathe and dived deep to see the fish in the reef. There were so may different kinds. Some angel looking black and white striped fish were the second type of fish I saw I was in total awe. Then more amazing coloured fish swam past with red tails and a purple striped body they were about a foot long absolutly amazing I could almost reach out to pat them . A lot of small silver wide looking fish swam with me the were adorable. Then more and more. At one stage a mass of huge silver fish they would’ve weighed a kilo each about a hundred or more really hard to tell but so many I couldn’t see when the swam past me the all turned in uniform into a big silver cloud… just amazing. I saw one toad fish and so many I don’t know what kind I really want to find out now. It was a great experience and A great way to get my mind off problems and pain.
Rating time. I have to say the biggest downside was getting scared as I swam past the dark things in the deep water. And when I wasn’t sure how much further I could go without panicking. Other then that it’s another 10 out of 10. Hopefully if there’s another day I can do that soon. Next time I’ll take photos underwater.
Another great long lasting memory.

A Really Fun Day Canoeing

February 26, 2009

I had a great time. On Tuesday I went out with my support group and we paddled for the afternoon.


Everybody enjoyed it to the max. Even the guys that took a bit of a spill. They laughed it off very well. That was really good to see. The reaction not the spill.

I had a lot of fun there were dolphins swimming in the same waters which was nice.

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There were a lot of old ship wrecks there too. Crazy to think some are over a 100 years old. And still sitting there. Maybe not much lef but ya get the idea.

This is one we walked up to. Our feet sunk in the sand quickly!!!

This is one we walked up to. Our feet sunk in the sand quickly!!!

It wasn’t enough to completely wear me out tho. I guess it doesn’t matter what I do I always feel like I’ve never used enough energy.

For a day out I give it very close to 10 out of 10. Only a couple of downsides. Not enough to loose points. An experience not to be let go. The Canoeing was fantastic everything else was a real bonus.

A fun day that will be remembered for a long time.



Time Out

February 15, 2009

I am giving myself some time out. Seems like in the last week things were very intense. I’m just taking it a day at a time. A simple cup of tea in the sun in the morning or just sitting outside watching the world. It’s been very basic in the last day or so. Its slow down time now. I’m not just referring the the medications. I physically need to slow down or my brain starts a riot for no reason.
My mate in Canada has been helping me hold up. I feel so much better after talking with him.
I’ve only just started to realise how much stress I have been putting my friends/ family and partner through. I’m so sorry they have been so supportive of me when I’m unable to get out of bed or eat or think clearly.
Another nightmare last night. Snakes again. I’m walking thru an amazon looking place and all the branches and objects start turning to snakes. I desperately tried to identify them but it’s always too late they’re surrounding me and I’m terrified. I woke up and was relieved even though I only had 3 hours sleep I was not going to go back.
Even going into the bedroom I start freaking about the dreams I’ll have the lack of light. See I really like to sleep with lights on. Which makes it hard for my partner who has to put up with all sorts. If im havin withdrawal on the last day of my patch I’ll be kicking the quilt off, clenching my fists, sweating till the bed is soaked and feeling like the devil is trapped inside and I can’t get rid of it. I used to cut to get it out and get relief. Then if I’m in pain I can’t sleep just hold myself together as best I can but I tell ya it gets really boring only sleeping on one side to avoid the TN. Nightmares also means I have to wake him up and tell him or I feel f***ed. Then there’s the constant sound of the blind outside hitting the house which keeps my nerves on edge. Yeah I know I should fix it but I just haven’t had the motivation lately to do things, Anything really thats why it’s time out a time right now to ease the stress of EVERYTHING.
Simplified my medications a lot even cutting down a bit when I can. But I still severely need some sleep or sleeping tablets. I’ll see the doctor soon and get something to calm me down before I go to bed or even enter the room. Then theres the problem that I’m gettin a bit nervous just to call the docs to make an appointment because I’m just so bad at remembering appointment times. If my local doctor got a cent for every time I didn’t turn up. He wouldn’t complain about having to bulk bill patients and run a good effective practice. I hate when I waste peoples time or money. I feel so bad about it. I get more annoyed with myself. so the circle continues.
Time to break the circle and possibly buy a straight jacket. There was at least 5 times in the last week the world would have been much happier if I were contained, hog tied, locked in an empty room. You get the idea.
Well that’s about all I have to say right now.

You Make it Seem Like Nothing

February 8, 2009

Its been months. I still miss you SJ. I think the words of Elliott Smith are quite fitting at this moment.

I’m not used to coming through
I’m more accustomed to falling out
I’m trying hard now as I can for you
Not to fuck up on some stupid doubt
I got your hopes right way up high
Way on up there where the air is thin
The limit is supposed to be the sky
I’m trying not to let you down again

It’s starting to come to me
I didn’t know about, I hadn’t figured it out
But it’s starting to come to me now
A little bit too late

I can’t see anything you’ve done
Any reason for the trouble you’ve got
You haven’t hurt anyone
Compared to most, I’d say that’s saying quite a lot
I can’t help you when you’re sad
That’s a constant source of pain to me
Because I want to really bad
Even though you make it seem like nothing

It’s starting to come to me
I didn’t know about, I hadn’t figured it out
But it’s starting to come to me now
A little bit too late

Sorry I wasn’t around more. We had so much more to share.
Peace forever,

That Was a Good Beer or I love Freedom

February 7, 2009

The other day I scored myself a beer. Put a smile on my face. Yeah it was Carlsberg Elephant Beer. Every drop was liquid gold in this heat.
Its a fairly strong beer 7.2 percent but a nice strong taste. I would give it 8 out of 10. only looses points because of the very bitter dry taste at the end.
Well that was worth posting.

Disclaimer: Just because I talk about alcohol and have a drink now and then I still think it’s a bad idea getting drunk. But it’s your decision at the end. Please look after your body and never drink and drive.)


I Want Control

February 5, 2009

I want a beer it’s been a massive heatwave 40 degrees plus and I’m not allowed a single beer. I think it’s an outrage. Ok there are plenty more things to be bothered by right now. But having a beer is top on my priority list. Even if it means gettin on my gangster bike and riding to the cellars where they’ll probably ask me ID again. Ehhh it’s worth it.
My partner can calm down and let me have a beer. Maybe it’s because he hates the taste of beer but nah thats not it.
I just need to feel human maybe a beer isn’t the answer but I want some control gees.
I’m also sick of sticking by doctors rules. I know how I feel and I know when I need to take something or not(most of the time) How can the doctor say only have this and this and NOTHING ELSE!!! Is he kidding I still have breakthrough pain and if not just that withdrawals from the Devil/Angel Fentanyl that keeps falling off in the heat. The glue does not work well in this heat at all. So I feel trapped once again Only to take the prescribed amount even if Im in maddening pain. WTF has this world come to. The balance will never be right. “Oh good god I feel like a lliberal.”
Wake up Australian Medicine and DOD whats going on?