New priorities

April 23, 2009

Life survival strategy Plan A

1. Dance

2. Paint

3. sleep whole nights (even if it means knocking myself out with Stillnox)

4.  I really don’t like this number lets skip it.

5. Play/write music

6. read more (happy things like astronomy and animals.)

7. Listen to chilled out music.

8. Don’t accept peoples bullying or guilt ways.

9. Spend more time with friends family people and pets.

10. Try more new things.

11. Make all the above happen. make it real.

After all this I should be by all means a very happy person. With only my normal level of anxiety maybe less. I will probably deal better with the pain even.  It’s quite a tree to climb and I am surely gonna have a couple of slips not every arm of a tree is as strong as it seems. I have definalty learned that.

I wrote this today because today has been hard since I woke up. I had nightmares in the morning and a bit of pain I was getting quite upset with myself and found myself in a place I never like to be. (no it wasn’t the naughty room…almost). A bad place in my head. LD* will surely carry this on.

I’m getting somewhere.



Thanks to all.

Anxious again

April 20, 2009


It’s been a while since anxiety has reared its nasty personality. It’s once again a wall in my everyday life. Fortunately my partner is dragging me out of the house for a walk with the dogs in the reserve/quarry. It’s a nice walk down the hills to see the city scape. My dog runs around and playfully attacks her mate Davey the older dog. I keep trying to keep my brain steady on simple things/thoughts.
I’m anxious again.. I can’t believe it. over nothing… I guess that’s why they call it a mental illness. The Clonazepam has been helping me keep my feet on the ground so I don’t get carried away. The fentanyl is doing it’s job much better now and feels more regulated. I haven’t had a bad hit of TN for about a week (that’s great). At the time I was very anxious as I didn’t know how long it would last and it turned from a stabbing to a burning all over the area. I think sometimes the pain causes anxiety then there’s the fact I’m probably stressed over some small things.
It got so bad the other day I spent 16 hours or so in bed. I refused to get up. when I did I checked my email had a quick check on my net friends and crashed again for another day. So your probably thinking I feel refreshed well no. I feel like going to bed again. Maybe my doctor was right maybe I’m going to be depressed this winter. I know Paranoid Andr. you’d be thinking – it’s not that cold here but I think its relative mate. I think we do get a bit SAD here.  I have that tendency anyway.
I explained to my doctor. I had a contract with my psychiatrist that no matter what I would contact 1 of three designated people unfortunately there is only 1 person left on that piece of paper I can talk to it probably needs an uppgrade. He pretty much laughed and thought I’d never take that contract seriously. I still have it in my wallet. I guess whether I use it or not depends doesn’t it.
I got a big day tomorrow. My fear is its a very look here I’m about to take a spill type activity. I’m going canoeing again. This time I will be seeing it from a different but equally as enjoyable view. I now know what animals lurk beneath. Last time we were there and there was a dead stingray near the boat launch. I like rays. I hope I see a living one if not I will bask in the fact I know they’re there.
I don’t know how I’ll deal with the anxiety. It might be fine tomorrow I might wake up and realize there is no monster at the end of this book.
On the other hand I could have nightmares and get there tomorrow shaking in my shoes with a handful of Clonazepam (don’t worry I won’t over do it) I’ll wait till I get there before I decide what my brain will do.
Where do I go from here?…
Bed again I guess.

Love to my family and friends forever. xxXOOOXxx

Next floor – numb head, rushing feelings and drowsiness

April 13, 2009

Well I finally decided to put a new patch on today and take my tablets. I can feel my brain getting number and dumber. I’ve lost what motivation I didn’t have left. It’s only 7pm so far but if  I’m sill awake in the middle of the night I will surely be bumping into things and complaining about world affairs while playing wii sport ( I hate to think of the rest of the world. I’m so helpless and don’t try that why not donate’) say (“Get the hell in there and help every third world family and commnity you can. Wouldn’t it be more realistic if we put our real jobs into helping struggling people overseas .. ramble ramble rgh rrrgh) At least it doesn’t last long and once I’m over it like got colour back and a decent blood pressure. All is well. As someone was telling me today the operation for TN isn’t that bad but I’m so hesitant. Actually I’m a bit doctor paranoid. I know when you read this you will be calling me to let me in many details I’ve forgotten because I forgot why microvascular decompression was so bad. Get back to me when you read this mate.

Well already hard to read I’ll drink some water and wake myself up.

Peace NW

I’m going to attempt to make dinner.

Ahh tomorrow a big day. I have to keep it together. If I don’t I could find myself in the naughty room for a day.

Wish me luck again

Fatigue and Mentalness

April 13, 2009

I woke up this morning and walked into the lounge room where my mate was sleeping. We slowly walked outside while complaining of our pains (like the couple of emo’s we sometimes are.) to have a smoke. I noticed I felt very tired. I don’t feel like doing anything.I’m just too tired. I haven’t even had my medication yet. Well after this post Ill do that.

I recently met someone who is into all the entertaining things I like we emailed for a while and I wasn’t feeling as alone. I’m pretty sure we can’t mail each other now *update* ( I can still keep in contact- Its been ok) . But as they say All good things must come to an end. I think that sayings crap (I still agree this saying is crap). It  seems like everything in my life comes to an end before it even begins.

Well back to this tiredness. I will go to bed early tonight as I have to see the doctor tomorrow. Probably be thrown around mentally so much so I don’t say anything and life continues its chaotic route. Oh yeh lucky me I get to see a copper aswell.

Are we getting closer to the monster at the end of this book!!! What ever you do I pray you don’t turn the next page.

You did it now we’re even closer to the monster.

Ahh no I need some real sleep.



I woke up early…finally

April 10, 2009

The last few nights I either haven’t slept or go to sleep at about 5 or 6 then wake up about midday or just after. Today I woke up after a rude phone alarm woke me up. I set it last night but forgot about daylight saving so I woke up even earlier. gotta love ADHD.
I’ve been painting like crazy lately. I don’t know why but I’ve used so much canvas and can’t afford to buy more at this stage might have to go back to water colour. I’ll have to paint some nice scenes. Lately my pictures have seemed a bit depressing or dark. Just a reflection on how I’ve been lately with the lack of sleep and worry about the future.
Next week is going to be hard. There will be a lot of things happening.
Yesterday my mate moved out and found herself a nice share house. I’m glad things are working out for her. She really deserves it.
I’m doing okay. Just a bit of worry throwing my sleeping out of wack and a few nightmares driving me crazy.
I’ll be fine.

Easter long weekend

April 10, 2009

Well I’ve kicked off the weekend with a visit to my Dads. It was good we sat and had lunch together.

It’s 12 at night right now. I’m feeling a bit empty I’m sure the local kids will come over. I just hate these times when my partner goes out for night walks. I’m just not into it I’d rather sit here and listen to music. It’s the safest option.

6 days to go and I’m not sure what to do. My situation is difficult to say the least. I’m not getting into detail it’s to much.

Still waiting for a passing moment… Soon I hope I will know what to do.



Have a good easter if your into that or just enjoy ya long weekend.

My small Painting with Big Meaning

April 9, 2009

I did this small oil painting a couple of months ago it reminds me of so many things when I look at it I see scenes from my dreams, I think of my poppa who was a merchant sailor from Norway. I think of the nights I went down to the docks to drink port with my friends. It even reminds me of my dog with the full moon in view. The albatrosses flying over the sea remind me of traveling. It reminds me of getting up early to catch the ferry to France when I was a kid. It especially reminds me of the closeness I feel when I look at the moon.
Its such a simple picture but for me it makes me think of so many things and memories. I have it on my entertainment unit on top of the TV now. Every time I see it I see something else.


I hope you like it for what ever reason. It’s not particularly artistic but there’s something there.


I will put more of my paintings up in the future. Whether you like it or not.