Hard Day

September 19, 2009

This day and night has been longer and harder then expected.  I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05.  I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.

Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.

I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.

I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?

Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape.  Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).



Love u Bruse xoxoxo

A lot of Things to Catch up on. (Or I’m not dead Ok!!!)

September 9, 2009

The last 2 months , Well since about my birthday I started dancing again. religiously 3 hours a day. I get a new move almost every week. Something that makes me feel good. A crew has begun at my house there are approx 8 members 2 oldskoolers and some new bboys They’re mainly seniors that come from the local school and train with me everyday. I watched them progress and now I see them dance with so much style and very smooth and natural on the floor. At first I was their instructor it seems now we are all helping each other out with new moves we are even better friends since the crew started. We have a lot of moves, tricks and routines now. I can feel that great rush of being in a crew again and dancing with others. What else is good is the families of the dancers are quite supportive of it all.

On a sad and rather related topic. A recent fallout with the neighbours through bitterness on theyre half. The Mother of the house has decided to start throwing random allegations about why students come to my house after school. Even threatened police involvement. I welcomed it and called my local police station and told them whats been happening.. So I have at least done my bit. She knows full well what we do and whats to cause problems. THis has not helped my anxiety one bit in fact it’s made me kinda annoyed. Actually very annoyed. As you all know Im just getting use to going out again and these threats and intimdation techniques are bringing back bad memories and dreams. I feel like I have no peace with her disrupting my life. Her son is a steroid fuelled idiot who whats to cause problems and start fights. He nce came to my house and beat up his younger brother in front of me. The younger brother had done nothing wrong.

Moral of the story…. If kids are coming around to your house to play instruments or learn arts or super soakers Watch cartoons and dance. Be careful there are plenty of people out there who are happy to guess what your doing and drag you through all kinds of threats and trouble. Some days I think it’s not worth it anymore but for what they get out of it it’s very worth it. So I’m gonna keep doing it regardless.

Wish me luck. I’ve had a short fuse lately,



Neverland now re-established

I’m sure this will cause some hate mail..It’s cool I got a seperate box to  put that in and one day I’ll publish it all for you. Proceeds will go to Childrens foundations.

Thanks again to all the readers who’ve been here since the start.