This day and night has been longer and harder then expected. I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05. I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.
Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.
I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.
I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?
Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape. Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).
Love u Bruse xoxoxo