Devistating find!!!

October 28, 2009

Today Was a mixture of feelings in this first post I will sum up the problem I had when we I went to the beach.

As I went into the public toilets to get changed. I went to go in the cubicle but it was locked I looked under the stall and saw a girl lying in fetal position. I kept looking I asked if she would respond I thought she was in need of some narcan or better. I then  noticed her jumper had slipped up and I could see her back well I then noticed darkening at the lower most parts of her skin. My stomach squirmed. I asked my Mum to have a look. I asked if she was gone? Mum wasn’t sure. So I ran across the road to the hotel and asked the waitress to call ‘000’ fast and bring something for a possible overdose. Deep inside I felt it was futile. I ran back to check on the girl she was about my age. I kept talking to her asking her to please get up. I could not see any movement. I felt worse about I started thinking. She probably knew that was the last time she’d lock the door behind her. I think everyone deserves a dignified passing. I hope she left in peace.  R.I.P Jane Doe of West beach.

I didn’t want to tell Mum she was gone. And I think Mum didn’t want to tell me.  The paramedic arrived and asked if she was my friend I told her I didn’t know her I had just found the sad girl. Mum took me aside and told me she had died. I didn’t know what to think. Had I been too slow or was she already gone for a while? I left the toilet and felt like being sick. I left the scene once the paramedics were dealing with her. I’m so sorry for her family and friends.

I would like this post to help me deal with it. Maybe help me sleep better at night. At the end of the day It was what she did that put her there and maybe it’s what she wanted maybe she really couldn’t take it anymore.

I would appreciate any comments that may help me with these thoughts.



I hope she is in a better place.

Still waiting…

October 8, 2009

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.



-Reach for the stars-


October 8, 2009

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to ba calling my pain doc in the morning to hear the good news that I will be switching medication due to alot of reasons. Basically the patches are not working well with me anymore well I must say that they only worked well half the time and I think anything has got to be better then that even if only a short time till we find something new. Today has been dreadful for me. I woke up anxious and stayed that way throughout the day almost unable to speak or do anything. So I don’t know where this is going but I’m very glad I have a benzo to fall back on. I have not been eating well. Probably drinking too much and smoking. I’ve also been working out and dancing so I feel very run down. I guess that would attribute to the feeling I have right now. Why do I feel sad during the day??? Every day. I think I don’t like the world very much right now. The telescope has been far the flavour. It gives me what nothing else can an enormous feeling of space and and a connection with the vast emptiness between beautiful things.
As for now I must remain seated and quiet until I figure out my future. I am quite worried about it at the moment. In one aspect. I am getting better at being in public in another I am falling apart with everything else. I don’t know how I still smile. well. I smile to show confidence. There is another thing I am enjoying right now well. I am tolerating is music or dead silence. I don’t want to hear another complaint or news or anything!!! Can everyone just get along. Be honest and live well. Where am I? I hope I find out tomorrow. The suspense is killing me. Another page closer.
Love you