CBT at the Beach

November 26, 2009

A couple of days ago we were in the middle of a heat wave. 43 degrees. So we went snorkelling. I thought this would make great CBT. I had calmed my nerves from the ride down and was ready to visit my sea buddies.

As we got out of the car a plane was flying over the water  then a huge siren. I approached the jetty which I was walking down to get to the reef.  I noticed everyone had left the water and as I was walking down the jetty snorkelers were walking past me saying “at your own risk mate” I got the Idea. as I was getting in the water people were saying there’s a shark around. I never saw it but about 5 minutes of swimming and a cop walked up to the end of the jetty and asked us very politely to leave the water. He could tell we were not going to and left it to us.

I noticed a mass of neverending fish swimming all in the same direction towards the few swimmer. Some people got a bit scared and assumed the mass of fish was because of something larger chasing them. Like I said I never saw the shark and because of my weak circulation I was only able to swim for a short time. When I got out of the water I couldnt feel my hands it lasted till I got home and had a warm shower.

We walked along the beach after wards just enjoying the shallows and making a copy of the 4 metre white pointer out of sand.

My sand shark

I will try and go to the beach again soon.



Skipping reality

November 16, 2009

I almost got a decent nights sleep. I decided to take 100mg of seroquel to help. I have never had hallucinations or felt so weird on it ever before. Thats why I took it. I was also having withdrawals and waiting for my new patch to work.

So last night I had this feeling I was choking. I couldnt breath I thought it was from a lolly I felt like I had drank lungfuls of water.  I then woke up and found myself in the kitchen getting handfuls of water and trying to clear my throat then I walked around looking for the cd stack I knocked over when I was choking and couldn’t find it. Then I worked out that too was part of my dream. I looked for the culprit the mint lollies I was chewing before I fell asleep. Guess what. They didn’t exist either.

So the story goes I dremt I wasd choking on a lolly and my lungs were full of water. I then  dreamt I was blacking out and trying to drink some water but knocking things off the table in a chaotic style trying to survive. I dremt I knocked my drink onto the cd stack which fell over I dreamt I was going to die.

From the outside. I was asleep I then somehow got out of bed and walked past my partner in the lounge room and came to when I was at the tap. I felt very odd. I told my partner I thought I was choking. He   had know idea whatI was going on about. I went back to bed and back to sleep. Only to wake this morning still looking for that stack of cd’s I destroyed last night.

The line between reality and not reality is as thin as paper right now.

I’m now gonna take my morning medication and  try and cement the real thoughts.



Heatwave so hot for so long.

November 15, 2009

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.



Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

The Current Flow

November 13, 2009

Over the last week I have had to take serious steps to take care of the T.N, anxiety and feeling down. As I am still waiting for further  medical help to get through each day with much more ease and probably will be waiting a while until things work out. But I can only imagine how much easier at this stage. The latest heatwave isn’t helping. I’m feeling quite sick every other day. I’m doing the best  I can to survive the weather with cool showers and fans.

I am still getting help from the local mental heath  support. Without I just couldn’t say. But I have been a wreck and been looking for help from them. I know I shouldn’t because they really are in no position to hear the crisis I am in. Regardless they did help me enough to go to hospital. They did talk me down from a very … place. I am calm and relaxed enough a majority of the time to realize anything I do I my decision alone and I shouldn’t involve anyone or I will just make stress for everyone. In the meantime I have caused so much stress already I don’t want anymore. I want peace. I want people to all be happy and at ease always knowing I’m doing the right thing by myself.

I have decided to do some thing rules for myself I guess you could say. these rules will keep me not only alive but maybe find times of true relaxation. Calling my friends and family more (when appropriate), Paint more, dance more. On the other end of the scale  Take time in the garden to relax. Find time to be alone. less things happening the better. can really only handle it when there is absolutely nothing happening. No colours no movement no eating. Well minimal eating.

After the latest stress from things I have gone to hospital for help I really need they’re help.DENIED again (It’s like they want me to die!!!)(people wonder why I don’t trust the system<—They should give me a reason to trust them.) –  I have also asked the mental health team (only to be judged and accused!!!) accused of what? your probably thinking.  After I told them about the girl they asked what was I doing at the change rooms at that time. I said because I was getting changed. I think they then said something like…”That just doesn’t add up”. “If you don’t tell us everything we can’t help you” I fell into despair when I realized they were not only not going to help me but they now thought I had something to do with that poor girls passing. I stumbled I stuttered and I was scared. I just wanted out.When they asked If I would come back. I thought I could just walk down the street with a dress on if I wanted to be scrutinized and humiliated. I think I left that one  unanswered. I will never call for help again.!?!?!?!

I was called by them on the way home on my mobile. I said I would call them back when I got home from the psych. 10 minutes later I called back I was received with a person who asked who I needed to talk to she then said the person who was expected my call had just knocked off for the day and the message left behind was. Client :nightworrier notes: stop support. No longer deal with. Not that I could be let down any more by any one but again another stab but hey what a stab when you already have multiple stabs to the heart.

I think I know the short answer to that. I wouldn’t talk during the meeting with them. Several reasons. They we not particularly welcoming. We walked down a hallway to a small room. I sat opposite 2 people I didn’t know (though one claims she has met me) I was very confused. Even on my regular medication I was hallucinating and had vertigo I was nauseous. THe taxi driver that drove me there was pissed off.  I had no reason to feel comfortable. So I could not talk and now they are paying me back by not helping me!!! Who’s crazy!!!

I actually agreed with doctors I need to go to hospital  in a psych ward before this gets out of hand. Even my partner can see that. I am broken when I wake in the morning I get up if I have to open a door Its like opening a floodgate of feelings. I feel like it’s going to happen again and again. My Psychiatrist said I was still stressed from the day. It was possibly going to take more then a couple of weeks to feel normal. I just don’t want this to get to the stage I was 9 years ago. Completely agoraphobic and scared of everything. Why can’t they help when I am in dire need. I don’t know how I will handle this Im still  skimming the surface of reality. I don’t blame the system for not helping me through this better. I am surprised I am left with this and no offer of real help.

Somthing is bothering me right now maybe its the 40 degree heat and my patch or maybe Im just feeling a bit like everything is too much.



Thanks to everyone that has helped. Excuse my lack of communication I need this time alone. I have to many problems really holding conversation. Please forgive me in the future.


Wish me luck. Peace to all.