Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

March 7, 2010

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…