Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

September 19, 2010

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Thanks P and T xxxooo