It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

April 24, 2011

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

April 18, 2011

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.

Three weeks out and theres a difference.

April 12, 2011

Well it’s been about three weeks since my hospital admission. I have written about it in my drafts but not yet published as I’m just holding them till I feel I should post it. I feel better, I think they are properly diagnosing me now and I have a psychologist now who is excellent, with my weekly meetings with my peer worker J I am keeping track of myself better. It’s very handy to have someone help walk you through the jungle. In the last three weeks I have had some ups and downs but much more controlled in myself then before hospital, Before I went in I had a lapse and hung myself unsuccessfully of course and slowly was blacking out. After I barely remembered what happened but I knew It was another very stressful moment in my life and when that happens I get very confused and lost. So I was told by the doctor in emergency what had happened all I could really remember was the strain in my neck that after 6 weeks is finally feeling better. Today was a bit difficult I was doing what my psychiatrist said but I flipped again and tried very hard not to do something bad, Sometimes I feel like the law doesn’t apply to me. Especially when I am really angry and the things that make me angry would make anyone flip out. I am in another dispute over something with the local council as they want me to get rid of my paintings on the canvas covering the front of MY house (Owned) The paintings cant even be seen unless people pull over and get out of theyre car and look in to my house the only reason the council want me to move it is because someone (in the neighbourhood and yes they did nod when i asked was it next door complaining?) who wants to remain anon wants it moved but I know it’s next door because they want more access to my house and I am sick of replacing windows or having them watching me by standing out the front of my house looking in. I now have a plan in place for when they trespass. They are rude and controlling, This is my house not they’res If they want to be able to do what I do but cant they can get over it, I have had more compliments then complaints when people see the artwork.
It gets painted over usually during special occasions, Christmas, Easter, Summer, Winter. They can either get over it or move. I am going to live the way I want in my house. the letter from the council also specified the removal of 1 white broken plastic chair from the hard rubbish corner which is about 2 by 2 metres. So I moved it 1 metre. now you cant see it if ya staring down at my house or in my property.
Some people are so persistent in trying to ruin other peoples lives. Makes me wonder if they have any time left to be nice or any heart left to be human. They definatley have too much time on they’re hands and my bet is they called the police first as they are always wasting police time. When they do something wrong they call the police straight away to say we did it, The cops must be so sick of they’re petty complaints. Well soon the council will aswell.
Many people feel the same as I on this matter and most people in the area are getting sick of theyre destruction and gossip. The old Mother next door is such an old desperate housewife. She should stop being so rude to me. Not that that will change the way I think about her.
As for everything else, I have a couple of new friends they are cool very rebellious but cool. They are really respectful and really brighten the place up when they’re here. They have only been here 2 days and already don’t like the neighbours. Every other neighbour is kind hearted and nice they say hi when they see me and are very genuine. It’s those people that make this world fine, and livable.
I’m dealing with my own problem at the moment and any sudden changes can cause me to really loose it. I really am only now really getting a grip on it and it’s not really too common but I have found another family member with a similar problem. I will talk about in the future or in my journal that’s not yet published.
I’m staying in control and I will work things though slowly, any rampages and I will see my doctor. Other then that I am skillfully planning the next few weeks. To keep things in control.
Night Worrier