November the hardest month of this year

November 29, 2011

So this month I have been in agony so no sleep, irritable about to kill the neighbors if they step out of line one more time. They have abused my dogs smashed my car put explosives in the yards of houses around me. Stolen, Smashed 100’s of bottles on driveway and all down my street. If they blink at me I am ready to get all my energy together and give em a piece.  Lets see… I will ask the cops to help again but if they just put this on the records and wait for it to build up and the kid (19) next door can just get escorted to jail for the serious offenses he has done, I will relax. His Mother is to blame as well for having the saying to her kids “If your not caught you didn’t do anything wrong” what sort of parent gives they’re kids that advice? I just feel sorry for the young girl living there, no one in her family respects her and her evil brothers and Mother aren’t any help to her. I don’t think I will need to do anything though, They are so stupid with explosives and poisons they will end up screwing themselves over.

As for my life and it’s manageability. I just got off the phone to lifeline they seem not to call the police and ambos straight away. Even when I told them I wasn’t well, I just promised I would call back if it got to a stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore and am getting too frustrated.  If ya call that not sleeping, agitated to the point I punch the punching bag till my knuckles bleed and have no appetite then when I do eat I feel sick… Well I am there. I have no control over anything and when my partner asks what I want for dinner and I am not hungry I feel bad and say I am hungry so he thinks I am doing better then I am, Now I know at this point many of you will be saying why hide it just be honest, and many will be thinking just fake it till you make it, Well I’mm sorry it seems like a loose loose situation. I haven’t seen my peer worker for a month or so. I don’t know the number. I should probably look it up.  When I said I’d get back to J my peer worker I forgot I didn’t know his number and by now I am probably kicked off the program… wait I think it musta been a “compliance disorder??? WTF. I can’t keep up with everything.

Right now it’s 6.30 am and no sleep in sight. It’s been a year of insomnia now and I don’t know weather Im asleep or awake when i walk around I don’t remember weather dreams are real or if I really did leave my mobile out in the rain. Who cares right. I got 2 spares. The thing that sucks is even my partner has no mobile and it’s just crap I cant contact him or anything.  I feel like if this avalanche doesn’t slow or stop soon it’s gonna be the whole mountain. If that’s the case I am going on holiday.  I am sick of living for  people that don’t appreciate me or anything I do. The pain is excruciating. I don’t think the doctors are taking this seriously enough.But then again I have not expected much from doctors after The local pain clinic put me on a drug that caused much emotional pain and suffering. That was they’re only offer of help or the dangerous brain surgery that lasts a couple of years. I am old enough to take care of my pain now I don’t need the government to baby me.  I need more control soon!!! Talk about unreasonable.

I wonder what a beautiful world this would be if I weren’t here. The neighbors make this planet dark and evil – (they call themselves christian but apart from owning a bible I haven’t seen any other sign of christian beliefs.) Maybe the world especially my town would be so much better off without the little boys next door (19 -21 yrs) they better grow up quick because if they don’t it’s going to be a very hard lesson.

I will not let them stop me from getting around and I can only laugh at them when I see there hate-ugly faces staring at me when I do something. (dance, Slackline, ride, skateboard, kick the football)  They really need to get a life or pay to watch me train.

I think I’ll walk up the shops now n wait for em to open and get the first coffee of the day. Yeh it’s cold out there  summer mind you but once I start walking it wont be so bad.

Peace, NW