Migraines hell and Trigeminal Neuralgia

April 17, 2012

On Saturday night I started feeling sick and got a headache which I soon realized was chopping up my vision with black spots. I tried to sleep through but the pounding and blindness was keeping me awake. When I got up I couldn’t talk properly and was partially paralyzed down the right side of my body. I was in so much pain I was scared and the voice in my head telling me I have had enough. I am very edgy I can’t predict what I will do. there is no warning for me that I will just loose it and rid myself of this world take the pressure off the docs family everything.

It’s Tuesday today and I feel worse then I did on Saturday night or Sunday morning. To make it worse yesterday I was putting up lights and fell and hit my head on the towbar of the trailer. Only to wake seconds later with a lump on my head and yet another head ache.

I can’t think of much more to write, I am going to sleep for as long as I can what ever it takes, I just don’t want to wake up on this planet anymore.

I am Sorry, Peace,



April 10, 2012

Today Instead of just my face driving me insane my legs have been hurting like heck. It started  just before I went to bed last night. I was getting up from the table to go outside for some fresh air and felt such a weakness and dull all over pain in my legs I had to sit down, It feels like all the muscles I don’t know.

If I sit still like writing this they hurt, but when I stand up for the first few seconds 30-60 they just hurt so much more, then even walking is a pain. My arms and torso are fine they don’t have any pain eg. I can do weights I can do pretty well all the normal things and all the things I don’t want to [depression related],

Legs and feet are sometimes like pins and needles. I would really like to know why this is feeling so bad,  I don’t know why I felt I had to write this apart from if this gets worse I will know when it started.

I am trying panadol (paracetemol) for fever & aches, brufin (Ibruprofin) for aches, Paxam (Clonazepam) (for muscles relaxant/Pain) (minimal amounts), Deep heat ( Mentholatum) – Pain relief/comfortability) and of course my regular meds.

Still the pain persists.

Let’s beat it.


Night Worrier

Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

April 9, 2012

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo