Pressure and stage performance. Too much pressure.

July 8, 2012

So this heavy weight has been hanging over me for months. The pressure to dance the pressure to get better, In on mental health workers words “You just need to write suicide on a piece of paper and throw it in the bin” – Problem f**king solved, that worker is a genius where did he learn such amazing skills? (sarcastic) I hung up and said yeh I’ll be safe (bs) I’m completely nervous and beside myself, this is the biggest event I have ever had to compete in.

 Coincidentally alll my “friends” knew it was on and came over uninvited while I was trying to get ready others wanted me to take random recreational drugs the night before the show!!! even minutes before the show on my mobile as I was getting in the car, Now when it comes to one of the biggest shows someone ever does they need 2 days at least leading up to it to get themselves centred and focused, To rub salt in the wounds I had people telling me to pull out and just party,

Even one guy who was terribly sick (keep in mind I have been awfully sick for a month and only just got over it.) He dmanded to visit me the morning before the show I said no no no and he turned up and called saying well I am at your place now can you let me in, Im sick and on antibiotics? I was speechless, I said no I do not want to compromise my health anymore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

SO this is what happens if you start to do well in life.  People either don’t want to know you  or you get stalkers (Ones that drive past and find out everything they can about me.) Others ask when my events are on then at the exact time I need to get ready they call with an “emergency” I can see now after the show how many are now leaving me alone. Australia has a very bad tall poppy syndrome, When they see someone succeeding in they’re craft they try as hard as possible to keep you at they’re level. Even when I started Fencing there would be the same guy turning up to hang out at 7pm when my training starts at 7:30 he refuses to leave even knowing I have to go out and says things like ” oh yeh u got fencing tonight?” ” I wont be long just a cup of tea and a smoke and a chat and now it’s too darn late for me to get there, so I just end up cancelling

It’s come to a point now when I can’t tell people what I am doing in life where or when so I can have a self indulgent focusing and relaxation before big shows. I imagine a metre wide radius around me where no bad thing/words/vibes can get through it’s my only way of really doing my best and I can say friends and people got in my way every second of every day even pretending they had forgotten what I was training for and asking me to have time off to go for drives and have a beer at the pub!!!

Meet ups I setup for people to learn new tricks either dancing or tightrope walking are good because I am just one of the crowd and there is no heirachy or imagined one!!!

I really appreciate the other dancers and crowd encouragement and a few close friends that have been giving me good energy and wish me the best.

The pressure from the bad influences and the pressure to perform well are really doing a number in my head.

I just want to do what I love, It’s all I have left from the pains and problems. I am going to have to sift through my so called friends and ask some to leave my life as all they have done is make it difficult every time I have something on.

 Well there’s my lesson for you all today. Listen to the good things people say and shut the door on people who disrespect your wishes.

Follow your passions and dreams and don’t let anyone sabotage your inner power.Good friends are hard to find hold them tight.

Love and peace,