I tried to off myself

September 29, 2012

Things were getting out of control, I had felt I was never going to get anywhere, I’m not sure if that thought has changed yet, I won’t go into details about what I did because I don’t want any of you to get any ideas!?! OK? Right so I lost it at he world which made my partner pretty upset, I explained it wasn’t his fault I was angry but he locked himself away to get away from the chaos I was making.

Then out of no where I realized no one would care if I was gone In fact I can see them standing around saying she didn’t even leave money for the funeral etc.(I was in throbbing pain at the time as well) I Did the fastest thing I could that I knew would get me out of this dark place, My partner must have heard something and came running in, He Was very calm with me and we sat down and tried to fix things without doctors or mental health acis as I cannot rely on them to help in any way, I have asked enough times, And they have said enough times well just do it then, or you haven’t done it yet so your chances are nil. Well that is now proven to be wrong!!! I nearly completed.

I can’t express enough how important it is to find someone you can trust, In my state south Australia they do not treat suicide attempts at hospital (or anywhere) they send you straight home and back to the place in your head you were trying to escape. This probably contributes to the very high suicide rate that is not often published.

I don’t know how to ask for help next time I just hope I can hold it together for however long this hellish depression lasts.

Much love to my family, even though we always lived close being hours apart doesn’t mean I love you any less, I just never get to see you all that often, and for my friend in Canada your one promise I made with you I promise I will keep.

Peace, Love,


1.52 am

Staying up, sleeping all day

September 28, 2012

It’s when I wake in the morning and realize I have no reason to  wake up. I am bored with this planet and sick of my nerves getting in the way of me doing anything, I’ll never make it, these thoughts go on for 15 minutes while I stare at the clock tick over 10 am and think everyone is somewhere doing something now,

I’m not doing anything and my biggest plans for the day is struggling to get motivated to do anything probably doesn’t help that my wonderful government cut off my medication because they got someone elses test results, from that I am now paying the price and it’s not light. I will admit before I was depressed but now not even the sunshine and flowers in the day outside make me feel anything,

I know I can’t concentrate and it is really driving me crazy, to  make it all worse my city is having huge gusts of wind everyday and it makes it way to hard to go out. I end up taking it out on the boxing bag once the pain has subsided, Which just makes me angrier. I feel so weak and out of control, I would have liked to say things had changed but no I still have to deal with more than anyone on this planet should have to.

So what I keep waiting for people to treat me properly or ignore them which leaves a few people I trust… Living for me or them?

I’ in stupid crazy pain right now. Just thought I’d update since it’s been so long; So I left out the action packed bits, I’ll let you fill that in.