Run for The Biggest Hills

June 10, 2013

While I wait for DBT to start, (Suggested and helped by M) I am looking for one on one therapy.

Again I find a therapist I really thought I could get along with she was also only a skateboard ride away so I was even going out and Happy too! yes that’s right i was happy to be able to do it myself.
After 3 sessions and things were looking good, I was being as open as anyone could that has only just met someone but her wisdom similar to Mark was comforting, I really believed there was a great help. On the 3rd appointment she apologized and said her department had moved her very far from my house, So again I found myself alone.
I feel like if I don’t tell someone whats happening I cannot guarantee my safety, Yesterday I woke up at 4 approx in the morning walking around the hills. I was kinda cold and had no wallet or phone. I figured out my way home and made it without any problems — Except I don’t know how I got there!!! I am scared, really scared, I feel like I am out of Ideas.
This morning I went riding my skateboard of which I have a helmet cam to capture the high-speed action… But what I watched of the film today frightened me even more. The footage shows me walking down to where I skate and sitting down on my board about half way there, The camera shows me sitting there for 2-3 minutes not moving at all. A car drives past me and I get up in the footage and continue on my way.
I am not sure what happened and without constantly wearing the cam I will never know what happens… Unsettling to say the least, My partner saw it and asked what Was happening in the idle 2-3 minutes of footage. He suspected the worse when he looked at me with my very clueless look on my face. I just shook my shoulders. In my head I am freaking out badly.
So this last therapist passed me onto a lovely little girl Danni, She introduced herself as a committed supporter of me and if I needed time off that was ok if I wanted a year off then another chat that would also be ok, I hadn’t felt safer since when M said it but he said it with conviction, Danni won’t even read the previous doctors notes, She says I get opportunities given to me (Which totally takes away the hours a day for years of hard work to get where I am I am sorry she failed level one six and under in kindy but no need to compare lives, She said ” I have done the same as you and I didn’t get any opportunities) (Sure) I asked why not read my doctors competent notes and she said She has a method of reading into everything a person says and looks like, (This is also not true because she didn’t hear a word I had to say as she was getting louder and the exit to the room is on the other side. (Panic attacks are common in her room)This is her method but if you don’t listen to the patient or read the referral it’s gonna take a really long time to gain trust and feel safe.

When I walked out I was so sad, I couldn’t pull myself together, I begged to se someone else, My partner suggested making amends with my psych from a year ago, he said I was most stable then, That just threw me into a deeper spiral as I don’t think he would ever have me back, I really am a good patient, I just said a really bad thing, I had just got into fencing and I liked mentioning it in conversation, It was completely out of context, If he had just given me another fortnight he would see I was only finally excited about picking up a new sport. I hate myself everyday for this.

Now if I wanted to go back to school to get the shit kicked outta me I would continue ”Therapy”

(now If someone tries to physically hurt me I always fight back. Eg. Neighbours all came out to ”Bash” me I laughed and ran at them. It must have been a revelation for them. They said I was crazy…. I proudly remarked and ran up to him and yelled yes I’m fucking crazy so don’t fuck with me or my animals or cactus, Mind you I wouldn’t mind if they got a closer look at some of these cacti. They don’t know how much I don’t care about them, They ruin the neighbourhood and have no consideration for others, they lie to police they poison all the locals front yards in an attempt to show they have power!!! Come on who thinks sneaking around the neighbourhood at 2 a.m breaking windows and throwing poison is any kind of power?!?, including setting a bush and a house on fire 3 houses down in a 13 year olds room. This is when the boys from the family were 19-20 (that’s another story but I’ll let you fit the pieces together) when the father was out of the house.
I would be keen going to therapy but the similarities are far too close. TRUST – That means something to me. I mean I will let her get away with a few put downs and raising her voice even acting quite threatening by leaning closer and yelling telling me I have never lived because the jobs I have had aren’t ”normal”. That’s right she actually said ”Haven’t you ever had a normal job” Before I got a chance to answer she then went on about how popular I am? How would she know how many or few friends I have, In fact 2 close friends are terminal and I don’t know how to make things better. My best friend in the whole world (Besides My little Brother) is stuck in a cold country and has a new life, He doesn’t need me or my support anymore, Pity because I still really need a friend. He was the only one that wasn’t a taker, He has a nice girlfriend now so he has no time for me. I understand but he was the only one since Dr Mark I could be honest with about how I feel. Saying how I feel in this house I live in always makes a fight leaving me worse and much more spontaneous and I find the clues and evidence of what’s been happening. I promised not to slash my wrists to a few my partner and Craig and Mark but they’re opinions mean less everyday.
But that’s just left me with a very difficult life. Painful with TN hitting me every day, On top of that it really doesn’t help getting in really bad accidents and illnesses. I need to talk to someone who will listen not just lecture from this 25 year old (not all 25-year-old therapists are childish) I like Child-Like but Childish and teasing is no way to treat a patient, She kept saying there was something wrong with my thinking I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen I kept giving her a lot of time but she just hurt me over and over, and asked me if I knew why she was being so cruel. I said ”Maybe it’d because you don’t understand me so you are overcompensating for not knowing very basic skills. So one last session left. What should I say, Considering I said the worst thing to the most helpful one, what should someone hear who is always belittling me and laughing at my life… My words may be a little rough, But I am sure she will get the idea I don’t want another bully in my life. Knowing it’s the end of this ”relationship” Do I just keep saying, so this is the last one , You don’t want to see me anymore do you??? And just keep doing it till she does what Mark did and assume I don’t want anymore help in the case of M he didn’t understand it was my way of making sure he would stick by me. ( Now I know it makes them give up It might just be the thing to say, This is if I remember any of it. I’ll let her down easy, Heaven knows I have it all!!!

Why Can’t I ever do anything right, They say well you learnt that lesson didn’t you???
Sure yeh I learned umm, Don’t joke, Irony. My Mum is an Artist but I see no colour, My Dad was a bridge builder in the army and all I ever do is burn bridges. My Uncle was taken by a shark and I am always surrounding myself with sharks, My Auntie smokes pot outta baskets, I am a basket case, My cousin works for a secret Govt blah, The same government that picks on me and just keeps judging. My fav Cousin in Aust lives so far away I never see her, But when I turn around to find anyone left here in my city, No one is left, Sure I could meet my step siblings but tattoos and street drugs just aren’t my cup of tea. Being a non drug user also makes me the most unpopular at my own parties,
Where have all the good people gone?

Here it is clear as crystal. I am a dancer, A mosquito ruined me for 2 years then I caught ross river a second time. So training is very difficult. When a dancer of 6 years dedicated day and night to train and entertain looses they’re Identity. It feels like a part of my heart is torn out. This happened 5 years ago and it impacts on everything I do. I am still with a crew but we barely get to catch up. Mainly it’s my fault, Car…Anxiety…Pain, and I don’t want to share these facts with my friends or they will have thoughts about me and, I don’t need any friends analysing my problems or congratulating me when I go out. I want it to be normal. Or at least look normal.
I let people have 10 chances because I really want to believe people really are good inside. I always get burnt. Look It’s really amazing I’m kicking on after this year
It’s incredibly astronomical that the same days you remember like your first bike ride aren’t the only days you remember, I remember the date I said the dumbest thing in the world. everyday it hurts. It hurts because I was not serious, It hurts that someone thinks I would ever do such a thing. It hurts that every day I know the best gave up on me when I needed his help most.

Luckily some mental health workers are trying to help me find someone I can talk to.

Peace & Love,
NIght Worrier ❤