From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.
I must start off with saying what a perfect young brother I have. Problem is he lives in Japan, which makes me feel lonley like something is missing, he is really the only one that understands me. When he got married I thought I’d hear from him, it’s been 2 months and all I do is worry, all these natural disasters, My brother is a little naive, this really bothers me.
He said to me I might not come back for 30 years, I don’t think I’ll move back to my home town though… That’s when my heart broke and I knew my chances of ever seeing him in real life just dissapeared, I am so glad he is happily married but if I never (On top of it all this has really done it.) I don’t blame him at all for the way I feel I just thought he loved me the same I can’t stand the thought I’ll never see him him again I am going to feel this loss inside that nothing will fill.
Everyday I think of him and I try to get on with my life but it’s not the same with him around. I feel like he has “moved on” and doesn’t need me, It seems more like he doesn’t want to face my older brother and that’s why he wont move back home. Why can’t he see we all love him and his wife but we want to see him again. And a 2 week holiday every 5 years, he will forget me. If I am nothing to my brothers and my parents don’t really approve of my partner (who is orphaned now) We have no support!!! I lost my family when I chose my partner, he didn’t fit the mold so I was disregarded by all, even threatened. I can’t get married my parents wont pay or come. Heaven knows what would happen if I had a kid. I feel like a kid would be kinder to me then the rest of the world but that’s no reason to have one.
Well I wish my brother a wonderful marriage and life. I do wish I could see him before the end.
5.22 am no sleep in sight for this screwed up individual. I’m now going to take some heavy tranx and hopefully wake up with a friend. (it will probably be walking down the street with a harmonica.)
The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.
The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.
Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.
I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.
The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace
To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love
My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it. I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.
On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)
Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.
I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.
Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.
Peace & Love,
See you all in 2012 ❤
Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly. This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.
Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).
The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.
On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.
It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.
My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.
I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum, My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I) I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone. I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.
Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.
Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.
Thank you, Peace.
I don’t know how long it’s been since I have felt normal (my normal). Feels like way too long. Trying to break free of the evil curse that is most of my life. How would one go around this extensive problem, Write a list of pros and cons, Go see a specialist!!!, Make new friends, Learn how to walk a tight rope (no seriously), Try and piece it all back together or go the easy way out.
I wanna try. I think I want to live, Just I might let down a few people… But is that anyway to live. Example, A a man walks by and says to a depressed man on his patio “Hi John how’s your day?” John says “Well just splendid” “This morning I got up hated myself a little more and am staying alive for the sake of a few people” “That’s nice *faces away back on his journey* – I’m going for a jog see ya! (but in reality they don’t really ever want to see you again.) So how does John feel now? Better or worse? What if this happens everyday. Do you think John would get lonely even more depressed then he even thought he could be. I think so. I think John and I have a lot in common.
I am trying and have been trying to fit in to this … society since as far back as I can remember. Just about everything I did or tried was ridiculed by others. I kept my head up and moved on. I’m really sick of doing this. Thank you to the ones that believed in me and still do. You are gold people you shine in the dark.
Tomorrow is another day. And just maybe a new friend will appear or maybe I will have to invent some.
I have still a handful of people who live around this planet I will love forever as friends. If I have to say goodbye to my current ones so I don’t get hurt anymore. So be it. It still hurts though.