June 25, 2012
I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.
Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.
My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.
It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.
I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.
All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.
Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.
Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.
March 6, 2011
Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.
I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake, I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
March 4, 2011
Saturday I figured it was the weekend and I hadn’t seen my Dogs or partner in days. It was better feeling then yesterday I was anxious pretty scared and I needed to get a pass out to go home for a couple hours. I picked up some clothes etc. And with the inhaler the hospital gave me I tried to quit smoking.
On Sunday I did. the. same Figuring I wasn’t going to see a doctor and 3 of the patients were scaring me quite a lot and didn’t help much at all. I went home about 4. When I got home I felt a bit strange and found it hard to ground myself, I played with the dogs and relaxed with a cup of tea, I was less edgy then.
Before I knew it it was time to go back. I got back at 8 just before they locked the doors and that means you have to talk into a intercom while being watched on camera, now if that doesn’t make you 100 times more anxious you’re either crazy or have serious anxiety issues (1 in the same) Don’t worry If you have anxiety. when I returned I saw the night nurses one of which spent time with me I got to tell him why I’m not eating. sleeping, drinking he was one of my nurses 5 years ago. He got me off the gin After a heavy 6 month drinking session. great night nurse. I thank. him. hugely. I was sad to hear he too now has chronic pain. it was good. to be honest finally maybe life has more to come for me yet. must try to sleep now. had one valium what a joke.(a drop down from 4 mg of Clonaz by the doctor in here. This must be fixed Soon. well tomorrow I will try and get it sorted out if I’m lucky enough to see a psychiatrist.)
November 14, 2010
You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
October 16, 2010
What will happen today? I don’t know I woke up this morning close to my partner. I had nightmares but didn’t talk about them I just said good mornng and got up for a shower. I realize today being another cold drizzly day I’m feeling a little down. My ribs kinda hurt so I cant train indoors even if the weather was nice I couldn’t dance outside. Which leaves me with a few options. I could play with my rats for a while, Paint with some water colours or oils maybe charcoal. I just don’t seem to want to express much at the moment. Then there’s my rhinestone setter which can keep me occupied for hours.
Im also kinda sad my friends wont call me or really have anything to do with me. They always send messages like “yeah I catch up this week.” 3 weeks later. Still the same message. I’m learning not to trust people again. It’s a good thing. I have past memories of people saying they will see me again only to have them kill themselves or die in a terrible accident or find they have got all the help they need from me and move on. The less friends the better. The few I do trust are very wonderful people and are the real only reason I want to live.
All day so far and it’s only 12 I have felt nothing but angst and frustration. I know there’s a whole day of this to go.
I really don’t like these days. I wish I could have enough time away from the noise. Enough so I can think for myself. It would give me just a little more control over what I do even weather I eat or not today.
What will happen today???
I’m so nervous. I will take my Clonazepam and hope things start to settle down.
I’ll update later and see how things go.
October 15, 2010
Everyday is a struggle but I push myself out of bed even if I’ve had only a couple of hours sleep and or had nightmares. I make my way to the fridge and drink an ‘up and go’ which for those unaware is like a chocolate drink in a carton with more nutrition then I’m likely to get throughout any given day. I have a 3 minute shower and look out the back window to see the new day. Lately the weather has been unpredictable and drizzle and grey clouds don’t really whip up happiness. So maybe the docs right I have sunlight affective disorder. Or maybe I’m just human. After feeling worn out from pain of TN that usually occurs every morning.
occasionally I wake up in pain and that is hell on earth. Hell on earth.
I have started guitar lessons with good tutor. I am learning slowly but it’s an excellent way to relax when I’m feeling like I’m getting uptight. I have only learned a few chords and sounds but it’s a lot better then I expected. I thought I was doomed to fail the guitar as my previous attempts have been very poor. I thought it was a good opportunity to take the fear from the guitar and get to a level I’m happy with. I’d like to play a few tunes one day. If I keep practicing I will. I am already feeling better about it.
It has helped a lot especially lately with the return of some unwanted monsters, one of which is anxiety and panic attacks. If I could go a whole day with out one it would make my life so much easier and less scared of the next one, It’s as unpredictable as T.N. Not as painful but nearly as scary. There are more monsters chasing me about but I’ll leave that for another entry.
I’m trying to get better as fast as possible, I take zyprexa to help with my appetite but it is not working nor is it helping the sleep.(It is somewhat helping with the back round noise I’d like it to last a bit longer. From what I recall in the past Olanzapine (zyprexa) has caused me to eat and even put on a couple of kilos. This time round it’s the opposite I have no desire to eat and feel awful if I do. I’m not sure whats going on. I have not to my recollection ever had this much trouble eating.
Doctor news. Well I have been waiting a long time to see a doctor that practices closer to my home instead of a 45 minute drive, Which is very difficult as I feel bad about having to ask for help from my support workers to drive me. It’s a waste of time (not always)I could be talking with my support worker over a coffee, Or participating in something constructive.
I am now really needing a closer doctor and maybe even have a medicine review. It totally destroys the whole concept that I am supposed to not think about pain when so many hours a week waiting at the pharmacy picking up medications, having doctor appointments, Screaming when I need breakthrough medication, remembering to take my tablets 3 times a day, Enjoying something then I get a severe attack. I can’t help but feel how unfair this is, I was brought up not to believe in unfairness but This has changed things for me. I look at things differently according to what my T.N will allow.
Apart from all that I do manage to find the time to paint, Play guitar/trumpet, Hang out with my dogs, Ride my bike around the backyard, Even break dance when I’m not in too much pain T.N or ross river which I thought would have gone by now, It comes back ever time I have a cold or flu and makes my knees, elbows, ankles and wrists really hurt and slightly swell. I would just like to have a day with no physical or emotional/mentally distress. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
I will continue to work on my focusing method to ease the pain it seems to work. Just a little trick I learned one day when the pain became unbearable and suicidal I stared at a light which I concentrated on until the pain gave me a few seconds relief. Now I have a rock in my bag/pocket in case. I can take it out and focus on it in emergencies. But for real emergencies I’m not messing about any more Anaphylactic shock, fainting, loosing the plot. Any of the above I now don’t mind if I end up with a night in hospital. Better then being dead hey? Well so a few people I know think, Love to you souls who want to see me doing better, and getting out of this pain.
Well I have to go practice guitar for a while in substitute for my clonazepam. In all honesty the clonazepam works a treat for the TN but isn’t the greatest for anxiety I already have a problem with he colour of the pill (and the cost $$$) but anything for the TN. I’m hoping someone can help me more with the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are getting rougher and more consuming. I really feel like I am going crazy, my friends have assured me I am not and it will pass, I really want that to happen soon. I feel like life should cut me a little slack so I can use what tools I have to try and repair the damage in my head. Well I need a dose of guitar now.
I really have a lot on my mind and when I get the chance I will right it down, It usually helps me get some of my brain in order. If I fail I will just take the Olanzapine and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I should wake feeling much better then this.