No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

February 19, 2014

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

October 18, 2011

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.


Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

Tremor or Earthquake

April 17, 2010

So last night I was watching some soothing episodes of  “Malcolm in the middle” In between episodes I got up to have a smoke and as I stood up to walk the house moved?!? WTF?!? Did my withdrawals reach a new height of uncomfortable or was that real? I thought maybe a meteor was about to make a spectacular crash somewhere — nearby but instead after 5-10 seconds the house stopped moving and I stood wondering what it was considering I was feeling a little sick from taking my medication to late. Luckily  my Partner was in the next room to confirm it was a real quake a little one at 3.2 – 3.8 (different reports) but enough to bump my LCD monitor and make cups with tea or water in them tremble like Jurassic park. I haven’t heard of any injuries so it wasn’t to bad. Makes ya wonder if there will be more.

This was the first time I had experienced any kind of tremor. What a night. I went outside I could hear a lot of people on the streets talking about it, excited, scared in awe. I went back to watching ‘Malcolm’ and enjoyed the rest of the night feeling like I don’t worry over nothing.

Here’s one of the reports I found shortly afterward.

Adelaide hit by earth tremor

The quake struck Mount Barker, in the Adelaide Hills, about 11:27pm ACDT (Google Maps)

Residents of Adelaide in South Australia were woken last night by a 3.8-magnitude earthquake.

The earthquake happened at 11:27pm and people living within a 50 kilometre radius of the quake reported tremors lasting for up to 15 seconds.

The epicentre was close to Mount Barker, 40 kilometres east of the capital, in the Adelaide Hills.

Mount Barker resident Robert says he heard a loud bang when the quake struck.

“We heard a terrific explosion,” he said.

“We live right opposite the golf course and lots of galahs roost in the trees and they made nearly as much noise as the earthquake itself but it was definitely an explosion.”

Paul in Bridgewater emailed ABC News Online, saying: “Whoa! We just had what seemed like an earthquake go through our house.”

Meanwhile, Steven from Moana said: “Several of my neighbours came out into the street and said that their houses shook like mine did. It lasted for about 10 to 15 seconds.”

There have been no reports of injuries or damage to buildings in the capital.

David Jepson, a seismologist from Geoscience Australia, says while tremors in the region are not unexpected, this quake was larger than normal.

“This would have been felt quite widely, up to about 50 kilometres from the epicentre, and we’ve had a number of felt reports from the region,” he said.

“That’s basically shown that it has been felt quite widely across Adelaide city.”

David Love, a seismologist with the South Australian Department of Primary Industry and Resources, says further activity along the fault line cannot be ruled out.

“This is probably the largest earthquake near the Adelaide area for quite a long time, possibly in excess of 20 years,” he said.

“An earthquake that size will give a fair shake near the epicentre, its certainly enough to wake people up, but most unlikey to cause much other than that.

“There is a chance of more activity, I think the chance is fairly low, but we can’t rule it out.”

Mr Love says data is still being collected but the event appears to have occurred more than 15 kilometres below ground.

“From the reports that have been coming in it looks like it may have been a relatively deep earthquake therefore lessening the effects immediately above it on the surface,” he said.

The quake was felt around Adelaide and more than 100 kilometres north of the city as well as on Kangaroo Island.

ABC News 17/4/10

I really thought it was cool. I get excited over anything new, I think we always think we wont have natural disasters here and this is a reminder that this planet is still very geologically active. Maybe it was a bump to remind us to take care of it.

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

April 2, 2010

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.



Gonna try get some sleep.

Waiting for Scripts can be Painful

January 17, 2010

Well yesterday was a shocker I started the day by going to the shop with my friend I then went to get my script for the new medication I’m on. They said sorry we will have to order it and it will take till Monday. Very sorry.  So yes thanks I called around all the pharmacies as did my local chemist and doctor. We soon found that no chemist in my city had what I was looking for. Everyone was shocked.  I went home disappointed, anxious and in withdrawals. I didn’t know what to do I knew hospital was an option but I wanted to make it through. My friend started brainstorming and listed off a few ideas. hospital, a doc appointment see if he can help. So I made an appointment to see my GP.

I can’t believe its not broken!!! I can’t believe this at all. When I was at home waiting for my appointment I had a rather unusual accident which included some kind of knee cartilage damage. When it happened I fell down and screamed so loud The pain was like being shot in the knee then having it set on fire and over and over again. I tried to stop screaming but it was one of those times when ya get delirious with pain (Timing hey?) I eventually came to and couldn’t walk. I wondered how bad it was how long was it going to continue? Well today I’m walking but I cant bend my knee very far without pain so maybe it’ll get better if I just rest a while.

So My mate drove me to my local doctors at 4pm shaking and sick from W/ds. The doc was at a loss but did write a letter for me to go to the hospital and get as close a medication as they could find. I found this to be a good idea and (eventually) ran with it at 5 in the morning. He looked at my knee and said I was fine. My mind was replaying the incident and “ït looks alright, you’ll be fine” didn’t really fit but time will tell.

I arrived at the emergency department. They didn’t seem to be at all concernend about the withdrawals more the pain I was having. I was worried about both especially after my doc said when the W/D starts to be a problem go in. So while I was waiting an hour or so watching old Malcolm maclaren clips in the waiting room to distract myself. They called me in about 7 and gave me a bed to whinge on but I found it much more soothing. I was treated rather well but not given anything for pain relief until 8:30 which came in the form of a script. the doc told me to go to the hospital chemist and get it filled. Oops it’s sunday I finally located the chemist in the hospital and it was closed!!! agh another wall.

At 10 oclock am  on my way home I picked up my script which unforunatly isn’t the medication I’m currently on but it’s similar  and an 8 mg tablet of my new med. these are supposed to get me through till tomorrow. Hope so. At least by tomorrow my chemist will have got the packet they ordered for me (I hope).

I’m shocked again at the little problems that seem to get in the way constantly but I am coping well and dealing with everything one at a time.

Much less overall pain today. Thanks Chemist, Docs, Nurses for all the help. Even if it took all day and night.