Fighting the system for Truth Adelaide MHS

January 19, 2015

I am finally not taking it lying down it’s time to make a change, Many of my friends and people i have known have committed suicide because the Southern mental health system was and is for a short time being run by the Pentecostal Church they discriminated in gender age and were incredibly judgemental. To the point we pay more for people to watch the southern train tracks for jumpers than we are paying for 3 people who claim to run the system, I am getting the truth out. It’s time not just i but many others get help, I feel the main person at SMH is also a predator as he has always accepted young boys into the ward for break downs depression schizophrenia etc. He and his cronies only choose on whether they fit what they think they can push into the church. I’s time for a change and I will not give up I will make it my job to help the others that went through the pain I have experienced. In any other state or country a person would get help for months of clinical depression.

This will change Adelaide. This is a disgrace and the mental health system is trying to be quiet about it.

Time for the whistle blowers to help me with all the testimonials sadly including one that has since left this world.

I am strong and I will change this system!

Peace, Night Worrier


No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

February 19, 2014

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.


Trapped.

October 19, 2013

Hey Yeh its me nightworrier. Recent attempts asking for help have only fallen on deaf ears. I cannot talk to my doc if I feel suicidal. Which is all the time now. My partner is watching me 24/7 when I wake he does. He wont go to bed till I do. Acute crisis help hangs up on me the hospital wont take me. If I don’t stand for whats right. I will leave others in the same position. Thankyou M.I you have been a hood support to me. Just a few words is all I can conjure. Peace. NW.


My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

May 20, 2013

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.


Very Sick

April 14, 2013

On Saturday I got very sick. I felt so hot, I checked my temperature, it was 39.5 I figured It was way hot. My friend told me to take some paracetemol I took 2 and half hour I was feeling good enough to put myself to sleep, When I woke up I felt ok I had something to eat. Then I decided to go back to bed when I went to lie down. As soon as I lyed down I felt sick again, Then violently threw up, about 5 times, least to say my partner wasn’t impressed,  He got a bit of splash.  😦 I ket apologising for it. He was a good man and got it all cleaned up. I got up again and just felt unbearabley hot and tried cooling down.

That night I got the temperature again. This time my temperature was 39.5 and the paracetamol didn’t do any thing at all. I kept checking and every minute the thermometer showed a higher reading, at 39.9 I said to my partner ”I have to go to hospital” He jumped straight up and got me in the car he’d been waiting for me to say it’s ok I need to go to the hospital.

When we arrived at the emergency doors I opened the car door while my boy went n parked the car. I remember the light being too bright and I remember trying to walk towards the triage desk but before I knew it I had thrown up again and passed out on a waiting lounge, I woke up again in a room in emergency I still could not see and the headache was getting worse they checked my tewmperature again and started fluids through both arms as well as some kind of pain relief for my head. I answered some questions for the doc in the dark room.  I felt so unwell and fell asleep again. I woke up again in Intensive Care, People wore full body protection and we all had masks on, It was actually somewhat a good feeling to know I didn’t need to keep trying to save myself, that others had taken over was a huge relief.

They did many tests and kept me in ICU for 2 days till I was realesed to a ward. On the last day in ICU I felt lucid for the first time in a while I looked around and wondered what happened to me I found sticthes in my hand holding a tube in. I didn’t know whatthey were doing but I trrusted them, They got my temperature down and said I was good enough to go to a ward.

Spending my hours awake in the renal ward with 3 other guys was at first a little unsettling but once I met them they all seemed nice. The nurses I had were amazing and their bedside manner was more than you’d expect. They gave me info on how to stay healthy and give myself rest, something I have not been good at in the past. I had had so many bloods taken and canulas put in I was starting not to be scared when they asked for more blood.

On the last day in their which was Wednesday They came in and said the results showed a multi resistant strain of the infection. So A big stop sign was stapled on my curtains warning people not to see me without a mask. The nurses and doc said they had no where for me to stay as I may make the other patients sick so they said home would be best and to keep taking antibiotics and get another blood test done in a week. Sounds easy enough.

It’s Sunday now, It’s been a week since that awful illness and I feel so much better, I am drinking plenty of clean water and eating healthy so I can get back to my life, The one I was getting good the one I was finding a way out of the deep depression feeling. Least my face isn’t hurting so much now. I went for a little skateboarding today only 20 mins but enough to know Im feeling better.

So that was my last week, If I am ever so sick again I won’t wait I will see my doctor before things go out of control.

Peace, Nightworrier.


Crash – To be expected

March 10, 2013

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.


No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

February 13, 2013

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier