From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.
On Saturday I got very sick. I felt so hot, I checked my temperature, it was 39.5 I figured It was way hot. My friend told me to take some paracetemol I took 2 and half hour I was feeling good enough to put myself to sleep, When I woke up I felt ok I had something to eat. Then I decided to go back to bed when I went to lie down. As soon as I lyed down I felt sick again, Then violently threw up, about 5 times, least to say my partner wasn’t impressed, He got a bit of splash. 😦 I ket apologising for it. He was a good man and got it all cleaned up. I got up again and just felt unbearabley hot and tried cooling down.
That night I got the temperature again. This time my temperature was 39.5 and the paracetamol didn’t do any thing at all. I kept checking and every minute the thermometer showed a higher reading, at 39.9 I said to my partner ”I have to go to hospital” He jumped straight up and got me in the car he’d been waiting for me to say it’s ok I need to go to the hospital.
When we arrived at the emergency doors I opened the car door while my boy went n parked the car. I remember the light being too bright and I remember trying to walk towards the triage desk but before I knew it I had thrown up again and passed out on a waiting lounge, I woke up again in a room in emergency I still could not see and the headache was getting worse they checked my tewmperature again and started fluids through both arms as well as some kind of pain relief for my head. I answered some questions for the doc in the dark room. I felt so unwell and fell asleep again. I woke up again in Intensive Care, People wore full body protection and we all had masks on, It was actually somewhat a good feeling to know I didn’t need to keep trying to save myself, that others had taken over was a huge relief.
They did many tests and kept me in ICU for 2 days till I was realesed to a ward. On the last day in ICU I felt lucid for the first time in a while I looked around and wondered what happened to me I found sticthes in my hand holding a tube in. I didn’t know whatthey were doing but I trrusted them, They got my temperature down and said I was good enough to go to a ward.
Spending my hours awake in the renal ward with 3 other guys was at first a little unsettling but once I met them they all seemed nice. The nurses I had were amazing and their bedside manner was more than you’d expect. They gave me info on how to stay healthy and give myself rest, something I have not been good at in the past. I had had so many bloods taken and canulas put in I was starting not to be scared when they asked for more blood.
On the last day in their which was Wednesday They came in and said the results showed a multi resistant strain of the infection. So A big stop sign was stapled on my curtains warning people not to see me without a mask. The nurses and doc said they had no where for me to stay as I may make the other patients sick so they said home would be best and to keep taking antibiotics and get another blood test done in a week. Sounds easy enough.
It’s Sunday now, It’s been a week since that awful illness and I feel so much better, I am drinking plenty of clean water and eating healthy so I can get back to my life, The one I was getting good the one I was finding a way out of the deep depression feeling. Least my face isn’t hurting so much now. I went for a little skateboarding today only 20 mins but enough to know Im feeling better.
So that was my last week, If I am ever so sick again I won’t wait I will see my doctor before things go out of control.
I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.
Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.
My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.
It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.
I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.
All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.
Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.
Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.
I started taking a new tablet to help me sleep because my sleeping pattern is all over the place and not much of it so I kinda feel like a zombie a lot. In a really last ditch effort to sleep with the help of drugs I tried “Mirtazapine” I had heard of it before but thought it was for depression it is in larger doses apparently. With the already disturbing and vividly scary nightmares I already had this increased so much more with the added factor that I didn’t know when the dream had ended and was still in a position to attack someone 20 mins after I got out of bed.
NO WAY turns out I am now sleep deprived and depressed Low as and spiraling. So I am taking some time off it till I see my psychiatrist during the week. I really trust he does the right thing by me. He really listens and helps me a lot (Normally it’s a month to get in but when I called him and explained he got me an appointment straight away. It was a huge relief to me because I can’t keep trying to live like this it is in every way – crazy- and the more I try to deal with the problems the more rocky situations get. I really hope today I can get my self out a bit or do some sport to get the adrenaline out. I will do at least one constructive thing today that has got to make me feel better. I think part of my problem is that I need a lot of excitement in my life, real excitement, I think that’s why I have always done extreme sports. I want to do more but it’s hard when I am so fatigued, It really doesn’t seem fair having a fit strong body that won’t do what I want. I really have to push hard. I hope I can get into some routine soon so I can feel secure again instead of this shaking mess. Wish me luck,
The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.
The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.
Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.
I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.
The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to email@example.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace
To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love
My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it. I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.
On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)
Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.
I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.
Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.
Peace & Love,
See you all in 2012 ❤