Trapped.

October 19, 2013

Hey Yeh its me nightworrier. Recent attempts asking for help have only fallen on deaf ears. I cannot talk to my doc if I feel suicidal. Which is all the time now. My partner is watching me 24/7 when I wake he does. He wont go to bed till I do. Acute crisis help hangs up on me the hospital wont take me. If I don’t stand for whats right. I will leave others in the same position. Thankyou M.I you have been a hood support to me. Just a few words is all I can conjure. Peace. NW.


My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

May 20, 2013

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.


Crash – To be expected

March 10, 2013

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.


No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

February 13, 2013

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier


“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

December 15, 2012

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo


Dumbest thing to do Ever

November 24, 2012

Say in a sarcastic, Button pushing way ”I was thinking of stabbing you” to your psychologist,.. Just to test the waters!!!

If you do it’s more unlikely you would ever actually do it, I would have hoped he realised I wanted to say something to him, Something that would take a lot of trust.

Ah well

That was my dumbest thing I did this year.

Your very dumb but very loyal blogger,

Nightworrier.


Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

June 25, 2012

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.