Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

December 31, 2011

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 


4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

October 18, 2011

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.


First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

March 14, 2011

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 


Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

September 19, 2010

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo


Why Bother…

July 31, 2010

Have friends if they leave you when you need them most.

To get over mental problems when there is only a small chance your doctor will ever look after your physical ones.

Going to bed when the next day is a bigger let down then the  last.

Sleep, When all I get is nightmares.

To  Help when most of the people you come across would rather screw you over then help the mass ignorance.

Teaching the youth the right way when the Adults all get scared and throw accusations at you.

Start a fire on a cold morning When you know the meds make it impossible to control your own temperature anyway.

Giving a statement to police when nothing ever comes of it.

Move out when freedom is always in my heart.

Chain smoking with out a lot of whiskey.

Trying to lift the mental illness when it will be used against me for the rest of my days.

Quit smoking when I like it. (they say ‘life is short’)

Write a song when it will be sad.

Paint a oil when the angels will be falling out of the sky.

Miss my dead friends when it just reminds me about what we don’t have on earth.

Dance if there is no one to enjoy it.

To Wake up.

…Because there is still a chance of a rainbow tomorrow.

Peace,

NW

-Mother always told me be careful who you love

Be careful what you do ’cause the lie becomes the truth- MJ



Family Failure

April 3, 2010

I have always been an academic failure, Now the light has shone on the fact I am the biggest family failure to occur. To the left I have my Older Bro he’s cool he has a wife and a beautiful family a house a job. There’s my Mum She’s an all round great and very smart person but distance and me being the lack of soul  my parents had wished for must feel like a let down to say the least. Then there’s my lil bro over in Japan, I miss him so much. He of course is doing well and has a great girlfriend and a huge future. Again making my parents explosively proud of their other son, On the right is my Dad who is an amazing person, very thoughtful and caring. Always been a fantastic Dad to me. He is married and it feels like he wants to be more a part of his wifes family then me and my lil bro. Sure he invited me tomorrow but I am such a let down for him and I’m sure the other family looks at me sideways. Almost like what the hell you bring her for? (Lets go back 10 years and beyond. My Dad my lil bro and me living together looking after each other and spending lots of time just filling the house with smiles and love.) Now everyone is scattered everywhere and everyone is well aware that I’m a wreck. Are they waiting for me to die, disappear, Change and move? I’m not sure. And surprisingly I’m still not sure if I really want to put up with all this much more at all.

Tommorow is easter and I have to show up with my partner only to be greeted with a hug and a comment along the lines how have you been? What am I supposed to say. I’m doing just great. Can’t drive, In pain, Anxious. Hooray how proud my parents must be that after all these years I can nearly make it to the shop on my own.

It’s not that I worry people don’t care about my mental and spiritual health. I guess the problem is I know certain people just want to push me aside and have a different family. This is where changing my name might help me. I am sick of the crap I have got for not being ‘normal’.

When I was last in hospital it was a private matter. My Dad called and found I was in hospital and said he was dropping in to see my step sister. At that time he said he wouldn’t have time to visit me in the ward. I mean wtf? Seriously. So he found the time to drop in. Dad and his wife asked what was wrong with me I told them. When I asked what was wrong with my step sister they said oh we can’t say that’s private information. This is  the biggest load. When ever I have a ‘private problem’ They all talk about it. When I go in a mental ward it’s talk of the fucking town.

Back to tomorrow and how the hell am I gonna survive the bitter looks of the people around me. I have done nothing to them. I’m just small and an easy target. They are big and don’t talk to me. Why am I still going? Because I really truly love my Dad and want to give him a hug and say I love you Dad but I can’t live up to the expectations that are wanted from me. I’m sorry I haven’t supplied him a grandchild. I’m not even sure if he would want to have anything to do with me then.  I just want my family to know I love them with all my heart even if I have been put aside and shut out. I still really love them.

Typical conversation leading to disappointment on a family’s behalf.

“Hi nightworrier how have you been?  (family member)”

me -I’m doing great yeh dancing, painting.  ”

(family) ” Oh thats great NW, So ya still dancing huh?”

Me -” umm yeh it keeps me happy and fit”

“hmmm maybe one day you’ll think  of uni and travelling and maybe finding a new partner”

Me -“yeh … right… ok.”

I am very depressed right now from the pain the trivial dirt that people roll in. I just want people to accept me. Maybe by changing my name or (something)I will feel like Its not my family that’s disappointed in me, I can be myself and not take the family failure card with me forever.

Peace,

NW


Time of Year

December 17, 2009

Well it’s officially the silly season as some put it. I really don’t like putting it like that but it’s sometimes a bit stressful. This year is no exception. Maybe harder then usual. My partner is having a time and I hope I can help him through it so he is feeling better again soon. Its always hard to say how much things impact on him. He is quiet also strong.

Soon it will be the new year that’s something I know a few people will be looking forward too. Paranoid A. and I have both decided 2009 was too hard. Maybe we are whinging a bit but I think we deserve to.

Well I better get back to painting only a few days to go. Then I will be meeting up with some family on Christmas day for lunch then home for movies, drinks, Dinner with friends. Sounds good. I just have to build myself up so I’m not anxious. Then on the other hand (there’s Clonazepam).

Write again soon. Brain blank again.

Peace,

NW