Hey Yeh its me nightworrier. Recent attempts asking for help have only fallen on deaf ears. I cannot talk to my doc if I feel suicidal. Which is all the time now. My partner is watching me 24/7 when I wake he does. He wont go to bed till I do. Acute crisis help hangs up on me the hospital wont take me. If I don’t stand for whats right. I will leave others in the same position. Thankyou M.I you have been a hood support to me. Just a few words is all I can conjure. Peace. NW.
The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.
The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.
Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.
I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.
The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to email@example.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace
To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love
My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it. I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.
On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)
Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.
I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.
Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.
Peace & Love,
See you all in 2012 ❤
I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.
I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake, I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)