My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

May 20, 2013

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.


Idiot of the year or 7 (years)

January 15, 2013

I have nothing to hide so I am going to share it. I didn’t want to use names but if we all keep quiet about the things in this world like war and personal vendettas. No one will be helped and there will inevitably be more suffering.

The meek in this world are prone to suffering and sadly we have predators who find them as prey, I am learning to stop the silence. Abuse can take on many forms and this one is particularly nasty, People who ask for help are particularly vulnerable and Some nurses find these people easy targets for whatever reason they like to pick on them and accuse them of the most outrageous things, tearing the patient open like an autopsy and not even attempting to put the pieces back together.

I will be posting my entire ”Mental health summary” up here today I think it’s time people saw what was written about them. About half the facts in this letter are false.Mainly because of one mental health nurse David Hains (He is only a crisis worker and cannot give out diagnoses) He has labelled me All kinds of things he has even Stolen from me and told me he took it After investigation it turns out he kept it and gave it to one of his kids!!! Had he done this to the wrong person the outcome may be different (He has put his kids in threat before himself, I see some very wrong things happening),

He assumed much about my life (All intolerably wrong, eg, Living on the streets- Never, neglected and abused by family-wrong again , Called ME a thief – I pride myself on respecting others and not hurting those around me, Accused me of being weak and getting raped by my friends!!! This is so very wrong, When I refused to answer anything he took them all as yes. And wrote it all down in his words and his sick mind, There is much more) This has caused me much distress and much more harm than good,

This is a story of an Acis worker that has lied about me and got himself a little print up featured in this week – ”Idiot of the year” Blog. This (Man) If you can call him that has sent me from hospital to his church to get better, Told Emergency doctors to ignore me when I had Ross River virus, He told them I was in withdrawals, (Of what? At that point in my life I was on panadol/Apap/Tylenol only) this was years before I got Trigeminal. He has lied to many other workers about me, Stood in my room and accused me of several things I had never heard of. He even put in the summary threatened to stab a medical officer for drug related reasons ( The so called victim Doctor is unnamed – because they don’t exist!!! – This is a non incident!!! Nothing but more lies to add to this summary)

A wide berth should be given at the sight of this man who dresses like a church preacher (Long white shirt down to his knees), He has short ginger/grey hair and beard, tries to have a scruffy look to appear jesus like!!! (I’m sure that is helpful to the schizophrenics (who usually yell out things like antichrist when he is in they’re room) Should you have an encounter with this man, Make sure you collect all the details you can I know in these situations it can be hard but ask for a pen and paper Do your best to put correct time and date (This goes for any mental health worker in your country city in the world) . Plus as many details he has written about you, He is acting like a fantasy short novelist instead of an accurate, caring, mental health worker doing his job. If you want help moving these people out of the system, You can email me at Ebeboy@hotmail.com I will help and direct you to Some help that will clean up the mess he makes and help you get your medical history honest.

It is sad I have to actually name these people but if we leave them in the system they will make people worse, More people will be misdiagnosed and people like him will get away with unethical treatment of the people who need it most.

So later today I will show you all the things he has written down and hard stone facts. I will then clearly review it for you all to have a good look at and see the major problems Australia is having with these misfit mental health nurses.

I’m not worried he will read this, Firstly even if he does manage to google himself he then has to read…

So don’t be afraid to email me. I have some good information to share. What ever you Do do not call the Advocate!!!, Not only will they find ways of not apologizing for mistakes but they are actually the same church people as David Hains (of FMC Flinders Medical Hospital) (Acute Crisis Intervention Team) so they will always cover each other.

This is not to say all the other workers are in this category, there are actual real mental health workers in there that go above and beyond to help people they deserve medals for their work.

David Hains is a hindrance to the whole system and I would bet if he was out of the system entirely (He is a wasted paycheck) A lot more Patients/people would find they will actually be able to move on from the pain he causes. Possibly they can even find a life where they will never be sent to hospital and never need to go in voluntarily.  Like I mentioned he isn’t the only one there and soon he probably won’t find himself there much longer, Keep the emails coming in. This is how we make a change in the world. This is what will help hopefully hundreds or thousands from the sting of the wasp.

I have lost a friend forever directly resulting from his treatment toward her. I will never see her or get to call her again. She also had 3 kids who now have no Mother, Her Mother is in such a state since it happened 3-4 years ago. Every year I think of her and in my blog she is referred to as S.J for her anonymity. David refused to let her diagnosis of Bipolar be treated and called her borderline personality. Therefore no treatment. After both S.J and I left out inpatient stays we caught up often to help each other she told me everything, When I found out the reason she was no longer being treated because of her ”borderline” She said she was just too depressed to argue. I watched the results in detail on the news a week later. I still wonder why there was no inquiry into the Mental health worker. This is so very tragic and not the only one!!!

The past time they have given me has been interesting I have spoken to many of his old patients and found many common answers and some have felt quite aggressive toward him. This is where the mental health nurse should listen, I have warned other patients of his not to say a thing to him. (unfortunatly this may result in them getting another random diagnosis as he thinks he is a bit of a Bigshot with a 5 minute diagnosis (That could ruin or prevent the person getting the right help.)

Peace & Love Especially to those in need right now.

P.S I will be also be uploading my summary of the treatments and diagnoses of the person in question. I think it’s only fair that if he is going to put false information about me in the public domain, I as a citizen and victim of the mental health system should tell the truth.

I must stress the hospital is not to blame nor the doctors, Only 1 or 2 ”Mental health workers” that are doing much damage to people and the entire system. Like I say most of the staff there are doing their job and doing it well.

Please read my summary carefully, Make your mind on what you think the problem is even better if you can pinpoint where things are going wrong Feel free to leave a comment.

This site as of next week will be just http://www.nightworrier.com

Enjoy the read, many strange things happen here.

Peace and Love,

Your Friendly loyal Australian Mental Health Blogger,

Night worrier


“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

December 20, 2012

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

December 15, 2012

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo


Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

June 25, 2012

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.


Another Marriage in the Family

May 23, 2012

I must start off with saying what a perfect young brother I have. Problem is he lives in Japan, which makes me feel lonley like something is missing, he is really the only one that understands me. When he got married I thought I’d hear from him, it’s been 2 months and all I do is worry, all these natural disasters, My brother is a little naive, this really bothers me.

He said to me I might not come back for 30 years, I don’t think I’ll move back to my home town though… That’s when my heart broke and I knew my chances of ever seeing him in real life just dissapeared, I am so glad he is happily married but if I never (On top of it all this has really done it.) I don’t blame him at all for the way I feel I just thought he loved me the same I can’t stand the thought I’ll never see him him again I am going to feel this loss inside that nothing will fill.

Everyday I think of him and I try to get on with my life but it’s not the same with him around. I feel like he has “moved on” and doesn’t need me, It seems more like he doesn’t want to face my older brother and that’s why he wont move back home. Why can’t he see we all love him and his wife but we want to see him again. And a 2 week holiday every 5 years, he will forget me. If I am nothing to my brothers and my parents don’t really approve of my partner (who is orphaned now) We have no support!!! I lost my family when I chose my partner, he didn’t fit the mold so I was disregarded by all, even threatened. I can’t get married my parents wont pay or come. Heaven knows what would happen if I had a kid. I feel like a kid would be kinder to me then the rest of the world but that’s no reason to have one.

Well I wish my brother a wonderful marriage and life. I do wish I could see him before the end.

Love,

Nightworrier

5.22 am no sleep in sight for this screwed up individual. I’m now going to take some heavy tranx and hopefully wake up with a friend. (it will probably be walking down the street with a harmonica.)


Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

April 9, 2012

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo