June 25, 2012
I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.
Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.
My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.
It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.
I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.
All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.
Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.
Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.
March 16, 2009
Everything… I am quite beside myself with all these things happening right now. problems with the law (Sometimes police make bad decisions on behalf of the community!!!). I never really did get along with authority but they are really testing me. I have lost faith in the “police – making a safer community” It should be “Police – be afraid we’ve had 6 months training and carry a gun”
Nightmares have been shocking lately and taking days and medication to forget. I really don’t want to fall asleep but I have to as I’ve said before without sleep things get bad.
Every 2 days I start getting evil fentanyl withdrawals. I kick and squirm and tense and sweat and cry I just can’t take that sort of pain. I will have to tell my pain doctor what I’ve been doing to avoid hospital during withdrawals. He won’t be happy but how else am I to survive. (don’t worry I’m not injecting drugs or anything). I’m sure he will understand anyway. If you have ever had Fentanyl withdrawals you know what I’m talking about.
I’m tired of talking to doctors who I feel don’t respect me. So much so I have ignored any appointments and not going back. the doctor called today and said I have to catch up. Well here’s the thing. I don’t have to see the doctor it’s entirely up to me but he insists I see him this week. I have no plans on doing that.
Broke as. have big debts and no way of paying so maybe no net again for a while. Everyone needs my money and I don’t get anywhere near enough. I look at a 6 month outlook and I still wont be near on top of things. Its a very depressing feeling.
Personal and family problems I just don’t have enough words to explain. I don’t know what to say there.
I saw a doctor today who found a large cyst on a ovary which explains why I’ve been in pain. It’s taken about a month for someone to say that and I have had a lot of tests and scans at the local hospital but it was a different hospital who saw it straight away.
I’m working hard to keep myself together. People are still saying how well I look. Apart from today when my friend actually told me the truth “you look like shit mate” I believe were the welcoming words. Why can’t everyone else see me how I am. At least now I know I have to pick up.
I don’t really have much more to say. That’s sorta where things are at. Wish me luck I have a lot to do and I need a lot of strength. Thank you
BTW I won’t let things get any worse.
March 18, 2008
Well last few days have been a haze of pain and depression. I needed to get help from my local hospital. I waited for a while in the waiting room got my blood pressure done. Then later had some blood taken which turned out quite difficult and it hurts when all they get it air then the pressure pulls the syringe tight again. Yeah now my arm hurts too. I know she was trying her best. Yeah that was a great 5 hours in the ‘naughty room’. Till this crisis worker from the local “crisis ” centre M strolls in. tells me were to sit and starts rambling about self harm and how I should get over it and “if you feel suicidal why haven’t I done it yet. Get over it and go home”. I think the only words I got in were ‘”Do you have any Idea what pain is?” In her semi professional* manner she looked at me for a while as to say something witty then turned away and continued to write some other more important things. As she walked back into the nurse station. I don’t know what to say. Could I really be having this bad luck or is this where mental health is?
I at least got respect and got to talk to a doctor. I got to actually say what I wanted and she listened too.
Then I was out on the street with a long walk or a meet up with my partner and get home.
Luckily the doctor called my partner he turned up.
When we got home I was miserable to say the least. My partner made me pancakes n played dice with me, I took a bunch of Valium. Kept my cool n wake up I’m pretty hung over from the diazepam but ya get that. Least I’m kinda sane, Hearing from a friend today lifted me as well. I wish he was happier too.
So I’m writing this down because I need to get it all out.
*( I’m really not sure if she is even a psychologist le alone have any training or researches any of her work.)
February 5, 2008
Today I found out a close friend G is having surgery next Thursday. He is a very important person in my life and brings colour to this world. G and I met a few years ago on the net as we are both into the same sports. G has been waiting patiently for this operation for over a year. It’s a very important one. To fix a stomach hernia.
I’m not religious but I send him my love and wishes to recover quickly and get back to the sports he most enjoys.