November 23, 2007
I don’t know where I wanna be It’s not like I actually want to leave the house. I hate the nightmares days full of thoughts and memories. Not any amount of benzo or horse tranquliser is gonna kill this feeling. Last night I compiled some work on the war on Iraq etc. for someone I love. I stayed up till very late getting it finished. Got up as early as possible after a sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt of those scary animals that jump out of the water trying to get me and I have a narrow slippery path I have to get past but theres nothing at the end only cliffs and big flying objects. I find this s*** quite disturbing makes me shake n sweat all day. I’m really trying to hang on. I have been havin a very bad week. My brain has any way.
Sometimes I just want out. Two days ago I locked myself in the bathroom busted a razor to get the blades out. Again my partner came in angry as. It made me wanna do it faster. He ran toward me I was so scared I threw the razor in the direction of the bin. he looked at me he was furious. I mean ya gotta understand I spose he would be but at the time it was hard for me to see. I must think before I do, but then again is that really gonna help? Maybe I should just jump. It’s times like this I wish I’d told the doctor that I’m really a suicidal. Cos I need answers I need this dark cloud and horrible feelings of betrayal, hurt and anxiousness to leave my life. I can’t deal with OCD anymore It wins yes it f**ks with my head all day like I haven’t got enough other problems theres OCD to help support the anxiety and the low self esteem should help with the panic attacks and depression.
Does anyone know a way out of this hole?
I am so beside myself there are many of me.
November 20, 2007
It’s another one of those Tuesdays where I’m gonna F*** up everything I go near. I’ve already spilled my drink on myself, turned up to my follow up appointment on the wrong day, run out of smokes phone credit and money. So all my mates will probably think I’m a snob for not replying to their sms’s. (I don’t use the phone unless I know who it is or am expecting importants calls) So credit usually lasts me a long time. I’m not about to call them.
I’m sure Tuesday is just here to remind me how much my life sucks I really don’t want to go out again today. But I have to. I have to see the doc have a chat n get some panadol (even tho paracetamol really sucks) Anyway I heard it’s bad in large amounts.
I don’t want to go out I just want to sit here n shake for the rest of the day. I’m sure something or someone will crack the mold for that plan. “Hey NW come out and see this?” “NW you should come to the meeting it’ll be fun” I know alot of the time they are trying subtle therapy on me. Some times its just because the genuienly need me. I really miss them I wish I felt comfortable enough to go out and see them. I feel so bad for so many years of not seeing relatives and friends. I may as well not exist I mean when some people say it you can laugh but I am so non existent in my friends and relatives lives it would take a long time to notice. Of course my partner would. I know one friend that would take notice. And a friend on the net. I only like going a couple of days max without us catching up. We really ground each other.
Today has been a wet dreary but at least not to cold a day. Im not in the mood to look out the window but I assume it hasn’t changed.
The Answer : Tuesdays a drag cos it comes after Monday and I gotta make a video for an upcoming conference. It’s in two weeks so I better hurry up and do it. If I go to the docs – when I come back I could spend about 6-10 hours making it then I need sleep for at least 5 hours then I’ll be bright and ready for a follow up appointment tommorow morning.
sorry bout the rambling just needed to get it out.