Family Failure

April 3, 2010

I have always been an academic failure, Now the light has shone on the fact I am the biggest family failure to occur. To the left I have my Older Bro he’s cool he has a wife and a beautiful family a house a job. There’s my Mum She’s an all round great and very smart person but distance and me being the lack of soul  my parents had wished for must feel like a let down to say the least. Then there’s my lil bro over in Japan, I miss him so much. He of course is doing well and has a great girlfriend and a huge future. Again making my parents explosively proud of their other son, On the right is my Dad who is an amazing person, very thoughtful and caring. Always been a fantastic Dad to me. He is married and it feels like he wants to be more a part of his wifes family then me and my lil bro. Sure he invited me tomorrow but I am such a let down for him and I’m sure the other family looks at me sideways. Almost like what the hell you bring her for? (Lets go back 10 years and beyond. My Dad my lil bro and me living together looking after each other and spending lots of time just filling the house with smiles and love.) Now everyone is scattered everywhere and everyone is well aware that I’m a wreck. Are they waiting for me to die, disappear, Change and move? I’m not sure. And surprisingly I’m still not sure if I really want to put up with all this much more at all.

Tommorow is easter and I have to show up with my partner only to be greeted with a hug and a comment along the lines how have you been? What am I supposed to say. I’m doing just great. Can’t drive, In pain, Anxious. Hooray how proud my parents must be that after all these years I can nearly make it to the shop on my own.

It’s not that I worry people don’t care about my mental and spiritual health. I guess the problem is I know certain people just want to push me aside and have a different family. This is where changing my name might help me. I am sick of the crap I have got for not being ‘normal’.

When I was last in hospital it was a private matter. My Dad called and found I was in hospital and said he was dropping in to see my step sister. At that time he said he wouldn’t have time to visit me in the ward. I mean wtf? Seriously. So he found the time to drop in. Dad and his wife asked what was wrong with me I told them. When I asked what was wrong with my step sister they said oh we can’t say that’s private information. This is  the biggest load. When ever I have a ‘private problem’ They all talk about it. When I go in a mental ward it’s talk of the fucking town.

Back to tomorrow and how the hell am I gonna survive the bitter looks of the people around me. I have done nothing to them. I’m just small and an easy target. They are big and don’t talk to me. Why am I still going? Because I really truly love my Dad and want to give him a hug and say I love you Dad but I can’t live up to the expectations that are wanted from me. I’m sorry I haven’t supplied him a grandchild. I’m not even sure if he would want to have anything to do with me then.  I just want my family to know I love them with all my heart even if I have been put aside and shut out. I still really love them.

Typical conversation leading to disappointment on a family’s behalf.

“Hi nightworrier how have you been?  (family member)”

me -I’m doing great yeh dancing, painting.  ”

(family) ” Oh thats great NW, So ya still dancing huh?”

Me -” umm yeh it keeps me happy and fit”

“hmmm maybe one day you’ll think  of uni and travelling and maybe finding a new partner”

Me -“yeh … right… ok.”

I am very depressed right now from the pain the trivial dirt that people roll in. I just want people to accept me. Maybe by changing my name or (something)I will feel like Its not my family that’s disappointed in me, I can be myself and not take the family failure card with me forever.



Wake up in pain again!!!

January 5, 2010

Not the TN but that all over body/joint aching pain. I can’t stand it. Still trying to dance an hour a day if I can (hurts alot) But it one of the only things I have that will cheer me up any time. My knees arms , elbows, wrists, neck. n more. I am seeing the doctor tomorrow so maybe I’ll mention it to him. I really don’t like to be looked at as weak or a whinger. I guess If I wake up worse then today I will have to say something.
I have been painting and keeping my word so far to learn more everyday and try to look after myself.

On another big note I am still waiting for a good friend to recover in hospital. I am sending him and his wife and children good vibes I hope he recovers quickly.

Love, Peace,

Heatwave so hot for so long.

November 15, 2009

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.



Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

More paintings

April 9, 2008

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.



Big THANKS to Julian

Zombie me

March 12, 2008

So for the last few days I’ve been a zombie. Haven’t said much ate much slept much. Just been well…. a zombie. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused, etc.