Pressure and stage performance. Too much pressure.

July 8, 2012

So this heavy weight has been hanging over me for months. The pressure to dance the pressure to get better, In on mental health workers words “You just need to write suicide on a piece of paper and throw it in the bin” – Problem f**king solved, that worker is a genius where did he learn such amazing skills? (sarcastic) I hung up and said yeh I’ll be safe (bs) I’m completely nervous and beside myself, this is the biggest event I have ever had to compete in.

 Coincidentally alll my “friends” knew it was on and came over uninvited while I was trying to get ready others wanted me to take random recreational drugs the night before the show!!! even minutes before the show on my mobile as I was getting in the car, Now when it comes to one of the biggest shows someone ever does they need 2 days at least leading up to it to get themselves centred and focused, To rub salt in the wounds I had people telling me to pull out and just party,

Even one guy who was terribly sick (keep in mind I have been awfully sick for a month and only just got over it.) He dmanded to visit me the morning before the show I said no no no and he turned up and called saying well I am at your place now can you let me in, Im sick and on antibiotics? I was speechless, I said no I do not want to compromise my health anymore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

SO this is what happens if you start to do well in life.  People either don’t want to know you  or you get stalkers (Ones that drive past and find out everything they can about me.) Others ask when my events are on then at the exact time I need to get ready they call with an “emergency” I can see now after the show how many are now leaving me alone. Australia has a very bad tall poppy syndrome, When they see someone succeeding in they’re craft they try as hard as possible to keep you at they’re level. Even when I started Fencing there would be the same guy turning up to hang out at 7pm when my training starts at 7:30 he refuses to leave even knowing I have to go out and says things like ” oh yeh u got fencing tonight?” ” I wont be long just a cup of tea and a smoke and a chat and now it’s too darn late for me to get there, so I just end up cancelling

It’s come to a point now when I can’t tell people what I am doing in life where or when so I can have a self indulgent focusing and relaxation before big shows. I imagine a metre wide radius around me where no bad thing/words/vibes can get through it’s my only way of really doing my best and I can say friends and people got in my way every second of every day even pretending they had forgotten what I was training for and asking me to have time off to go for drives and have a beer at the pub!!!

Meet ups I setup for people to learn new tricks either dancing or tightrope walking are good because I am just one of the crowd and there is no heirachy or imagined one!!!

I really appreciate the other dancers and crowd encouragement and a few close friends that have been giving me good energy and wish me the best.

The pressure from the bad influences and the pressure to perform well are really doing a number in my head.

I just want to do what I love, It’s all I have left from the pains and problems. I am going to have to sift through my so called friends and ask some to leave my life as all they have done is make it difficult every time I have something on.

 Well there’s my lesson for you all today. Listen to the good things people say and shut the door on people who disrespect your wishes.

Follow your passions and dreams and don’t let anyone sabotage your inner power.Good friends are hard to find hold them tight.

Love and peace, 



Where is she?

January 10, 2009

My last admission to a psych ward I had a room mate we got along great. We always went out for smokos and talks. We painted and drew pictures together and we really understood each other.

After we left we kept in contact.  A bout 2 months ago we started meeting up at cafes in the hills. We had plans of sitting on the beach and watching the sunset. I knew she was depressed.

I don’t know how to deal with this again.

I miss you SJ xoxoxo

Love, Peace,

Nightworrier  (Dasha)

xo I’ll see you again one day ox

Just woke up

April 17, 2008

Well this morning I had to be literally dragged out of bed because I couldn’t move my legs. They were so painful. It’s been about 2 hours since then . I put alot of deep heat on my knees because they seemed to hurt th most.

So what to do today I’ll paint again as it’s been great for my brain. and I get a small feeling of satisfaction when I finish them.

I painted an angel I quite liked it. My friend also liked it so I gave it to her she’s cool. I’m so glad I can do things people like. I think inside my ego gets a bit of a boost when people like what I’ve done.



What will the day bring?

March 3, 2008

 Considering I woke up pretty early with my partner still in bed I can enjoy some of the peacefulness and enjoy looking at the unmoved things from the night before and the silence. Hmm the silence what can I say? Astounding all I hear is the cpu fan running. Ah  no I speak to soon he’s getting up and soon Yep he’s just walked past. That means the techno will be cranking ( I really only have a problem with techno but in the morning It’s so fast and makes my brain and heart race ( somtimes just complete panic. I don’t think humans were meant to listen to that kinda beat upon waking. and the sound of breakfast and food preparation will  take over. I might go for a walk later n try n chill out. Gotta loose some weight (feeling last nights pizza.)

Yesterday my mate came over. Real good mate. It’s like they feel they have to give me intervention for everything! Stress, Getting over my problems, long term goals how to not have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Yeh ya heard me they reckon I should just not complain about it ever! cos it’s just an ailment and I don’t have the right to be in pain. I’m apparently suppose to be in a higher realm where people don’t feel pain. WTF this isn’t Scientology. Even if it was I’m pretty sure the pain would still be there.

Well all that said I love my friends but hey just let me do things my way. If ya aint gonna support or understand don’t kick me when I’m down. I’ll kick myself . Trust me.

I’l find somthing to do today treatment wise. maybe just a walk around the block.  Or do some shopping. might even boil down to just can I do anything I’m pretty nervy today.

Here we go the dog and the man are running around the house yelling and barking (Yes for fun). Is it just me or does that sound primitive.

The only reason he spends more time with the dog is because he speaks dog and chooses not to speak to me. During the day there will be more then half the time he says something he’s actually talking to the dog.  Yes it does make me feel less of a human.  Maybe I’ll do a painting or continue my sketches down at the creek. Yeh thats sounds like a plan. Sounds quiet too, Which I think will be todays theme. As it should sooth the nightmares and bring me back to some kind of reality. I’ll also get straight onto the medication cos the TN is grabbing and making me pretty irritable not to mention excruciatingly sore.

I need to try some self -help stuff. No not my usual methods. Something different. Wish me luck



This ones for my Friends who’ve kept me Alive

February 23, 2008

Ya’ll know who you are. The ones I’ve spilled my heart out to. They’ve been there solid for me. I have let them down by not being as with it. But they continue to help me and push me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to stay here. I love all you guys. Weather they be nurses or fellow bloggers PA thankyou. And Julian if only we could really meet. Like I said I love you all.