December 30, 2007
Well its 5:45 in the morning Once again I went to hospital yesterday. This is how it goes. I was too suicidal to give pain or anxiety medication to. So I said as they discharged me so am I gonna have withdrawals? The nurse looked at me and was sad to say yes. I walked out to be picked up still with pain all over.
They say don’t worry it’s just stress. How can I be happy about that. It really hurts to be in the middle of earth and the heavens. Why won’t any doctors hear me. I’m in so much pain right now and theres nothing I can do. I’ve had the last of my contraband analgesics. So If I live to see the next six days. Im goin to my doc to get some real help.
I cut myself again. I was so angry and in physical pain. I cut the back of my leg. It helped momentarily. I just want to do it all over just to cope for now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m pretty depressed. No …… I’m sure I am.
I’ve been doing what my therapist said. Mindfulness and relaxation excercises are a gold things to learn. It’s Just when things start to become to much I have trouble slowing down. So much I cant put anyone through anymore of it. They don’t know how to help and neither do I.
Funny or not so funny thing is I’m making plans of escape. People are also funny. They want you to live. (But they don’t quite know why) Thats what I asked a mental health nurse.
Owwwwww everyhing hurts. This is real s***.
Everyone is demanding to know my secrets. I love these people but hey leave me alone or help – don’t push.
I have had it. It’s my life. Or not.
btw fellow bloggers have helped my situation. Somewhat more then crisis call numbers.
Good Luck for 2008
November 23, 2007
I don’t know where I wanna be It’s not like I actually want to leave the house. I hate the nightmares days full of thoughts and memories. Not any amount of benzo or horse tranquliser is gonna kill this feeling. Last night I compiled some work on the war on Iraq etc. for someone I love. I stayed up till very late getting it finished. Got up as early as possible after a sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt of those scary animals that jump out of the water trying to get me and I have a narrow slippery path I have to get past but theres nothing at the end only cliffs and big flying objects. I find this s*** quite disturbing makes me shake n sweat all day. I’m really trying to hang on. I have been havin a very bad week. My brain has any way.
Sometimes I just want out. Two days ago I locked myself in the bathroom busted a razor to get the blades out. Again my partner came in angry as. It made me wanna do it faster. He ran toward me I was so scared I threw the razor in the direction of the bin. he looked at me he was furious. I mean ya gotta understand I spose he would be but at the time it was hard for me to see. I must think before I do, but then again is that really gonna help? Maybe I should just jump. It’s times like this I wish I’d told the doctor that I’m really a suicidal. Cos I need answers I need this dark cloud and horrible feelings of betrayal, hurt and anxiousness to leave my life. I can’t deal with OCD anymore It wins yes it f**ks with my head all day like I haven’t got enough other problems theres OCD to help support the anxiety and the low self esteem should help with the panic attacks and depression.
Does anyone know a way out of this hole?
I am so beside myself there are many of me.
October 31, 2007
I would love to love halloween but with all those creepy kids n Adults out there screaming n flying around like witches I don even wanna sit on the porch for a smoke.
As for going to the doc today well. I really appriciate the help and she does lift my mood a bit but. I should be able to do it myself. I just can’t. It’s one of those things. I really don’t know if it’s worth continuing ‘life’.
I was at the hospital yesterday due to injuries relating to me trying to kill myself and my partner goin to all lengths to stop. Unfortunately this is not how the hospital saw it. The councilor said it was a typical case of DV. Yeah ok so I’m depressed because my partner is trying to stop me suiciding (makes sense). I’m gonna use this ‘jounal’ of these events so people actually know what went on. Rather then the text book assumptions many professionals and others have made.
I do hope to continue to be here long enough to see the light and have the dark clouds leave.
What really upsets me the most of this whole thing is. I know it will hurt my family, partner and friends. But I’m only here to let them know I’m ok.
I will always keep my real identity private but I’m sure when time comes people will work out who I am.
Peace, Love, Hope and Happiness be with you all.