What a day!!!

March 21, 2008

Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m.  I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped  day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.

So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great.  I don’t want it to ever wear off.

Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.

I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)

Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.

When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.



A whole day in accident & emergency

November 2, 2007

Well this it what happened yesterday. I woke up at 6 a.m then threw up. then my partner grabbed a bucket and I continued. So  after about half an hour of this I decide to have a shower to get the sweat n shivers down(also to clean up but yeah)  so I get out of the shower put some clean clothes on and start throwing again it’s about 6:45 now and it’s continuous  I dont even get chance to breathe (I swear I took nothing to provoke this). So at about 8 a.m I give in and go to the hospital. They immediately gave me a fantastic drug Maxalon. Yay that was great but it only lasted bout half an hour. They also gave me morphine which worked a treat for the pain but kinda spun me a bit. They did various scans xrays etc . Nurse looks at my cut wrist and says has she got a personality disorder.  Talked like I wasn’t there. And no It’s not a personality disorder It’s depression and suicidal feelings. I’m sick of losing the ones I love I’m sick of my own inability to cope and contribute to the world. So yeah they discharged me about 5p.m I was still sick as. So now It’s a day later n Im still sick n cant take anything for it cos it will just be chucked up. I’ll stick to the water n 2 cigs a day. Yeah thats right since I been sick I have been totally inable to even have a cig I can barely move. Cravings arnt to bad I guess cos I’m so sick.

I will look after myself if not for me but my family and friends.