February 14, 2010
I went to the doctors as I wasn’t feeling too well I had been feeling like this a few days but now it was at the point I couldn’t stop shaking and sweating. I was doubled over in pain. I had waited and waited to get over what ever was the problem usually I say well If I’m sick today I’ll be recovering tomorrow. At the doctors I quickly found out I was just getting sicker and needed to go to hospital. When I arrived in the waiting room of pain I looked at all the solemn faces and bored expressions. I thought to myself If I could look that comfortable I’d be at home but I guess everyone had something wrong weather they swallowed a battery or punched through a window (It was a friday) So I sat there shivering sweating and pale trying to look tough. The waiting room is quite confronting. You don’t want people to think your weak. So I held a steady emotionless look. My partner asked for a nurse for me as I was getting sicker by the second. When they got a bed for me I got on lied down and screamed. I guess I felt like I could now no one was watching. A nurse saw me and asked a few questions took my obs. She then gave me some morphine for the pain. She remarked thats the first time I’ve seen you smile tonight. I thought I’d be smiling in everyday life If I was always pain free. I sat on my bed chatting on instant messaging on my phone to my friends (perfect distraction) while I felt a nauseous spin of the morphine. My friends sent me good messages for the night and the doctors let me rest giving me injection intervals of antibiotics and morphine. Through the night the pain stabbed. I got a nurse about 3 am for more pain relief. By morning I was still in pain and scared the surgeons would soon be in my curtain room wielding scalples and notes* (WARNING *notes are powerful things that can lead to surgery). I got some scans done and tests. They said they wouldn’t have a clear result for 2 days but as for now I need to take my antibiotics and hope I’m totally better in a week.
The surgeons spoke to me in the morning and we’re not sure weather to take out my appendix or not. I usually think if it’s a maybe – don’t cut) The second surgeon left me with antibiotics and painkillers. He said If it’s still painful in three days to see my doc. Yeh ok I will go back but I don’t know about going back to the butchers hospital. I mean these surgeons looked competant and all but It’s surgery is something I’m terrified of. It’s gonna take nerves of steel to go back.
I will update on how it goes but for now I need rest. I’m still aching a bit.
March 21, 2008
Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m. I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.
So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great. I don’t want it to ever wear off.
Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.
I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)
Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.
When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.
March 20, 2008
I went back in. Wasn’t feeling good at all the doc wrote a referal for the hospital. So again sent to the naughty room. Sat there for some hours. I finally went out for a smoke as I was walking back one of the Mental health workers came over to where I was smoking.
We had a chat bout some things he was understanding/Listened and gave me some antipsychotics and let me go home.
So I slept last night.
I feel like shite today. No motivation. I’m amazed I can write this. Well least I got 1 more tab for tomorrow.
Peace and Love,
March 4, 2008
Things that have changed over the last year:
1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.
2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).
3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).
4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?
Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.
After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.
Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.
February 21, 2008
So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???