More paintings

April 9, 2008

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.



Big THANKS to Julian

I Don’t think I’d say life is smooth sailing but…

January 28, 2008

Seems this time everyone is on one side or the other when it comes to my illnesses. I just want everyone to be happy. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Family should always be close. But sometimes our friends help us pick up the pieces. I will always watch their backs too.

I have a terrible pain down the side of my face the GP calls it Trigeminal Neuralgia. The most painful f***ing thing I ever have. So now Im told this n that about taking the medications. I’m so lucky to have a close friend with the same and experience of it. Without his help I think would have given up by now. His peace and love has been a godsend.

Whatever happened to that dark depression that came from no where? Its all so mixed up now. I’m determined to get through it. All of it. The physical pain is one thing that needs a handle. Next will be the stubborn anxiety and depression. I’ll keep walking the mountain to the top. I don’t expect it to be easy but I feel my mind is ready to start.

I want to see the colours of the world and feel it. I think about my family and friends and I know sometime I will be able to pay them back for all the help they’ve offered me.

Soon I will be free of this pain. Looking forward in life now.

Peace, Love,


Help! Is what I said.

December 27, 2007

I admit it I really need help and don’t want to end my life. I just can’t seem to find the right help. Last night (very late) I called up my brothers mobile. Yep thats right sleep talking. I need to be locked in my room at night for the safety of those around me and myself. This morning after a horrid night of unbearable visions and nighmares and the third day of waking up totally suicidal. So I call my local crisis number the lady on the phone helped a bit by telling me how to distract from the feeling. I don’t know what I want. I want help because I’ve seen another side but I feel I’ll never live there. I called a closer crisis centre and explained how I felt and how running out of meds wasnt helping either. They immediatly jumped on the “she just wants drugs train” and basically said sorry we don supply them goodbye. I was saying. I know that but it’s a contributor to how I feel. eg BENZO withdawal. beep beep beep. Ahhh thats better I feel a whole lot better. I was judged and hung up on. My symptoms of depression and anxiety are skyrocketing this week and that was the most unhelpful advice I’ve ever had. I called back the oiginal crisis number and she calmed me down alot. Enough for me to come on here and type this.

So it just shows how much help you get out of a crisis line is how well the other person will talk with you.



I must be feeling better.

November 14, 2007

   The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.

Well that’s my thoughts for now.



Peace out