October 15, 2010
Everyday is a struggle but I push myself out of bed even if I’ve had only a couple of hours sleep and or had nightmares. I make my way to the fridge and drink an ‘up and go’ which for those unaware is like a chocolate drink in a carton with more nutrition then I’m likely to get throughout any given day. I have a 3 minute shower and look out the back window to see the new day. Lately the weather has been unpredictable and drizzle and grey clouds don’t really whip up happiness. So maybe the docs right I have sunlight affective disorder. Or maybe I’m just human. After feeling worn out from pain of TN that usually occurs every morning.
occasionally I wake up in pain and that is hell on earth. Hell on earth.
I have started guitar lessons with good tutor. I am learning slowly but it’s an excellent way to relax when I’m feeling like I’m getting uptight. I have only learned a few chords and sounds but it’s a lot better then I expected. I thought I was doomed to fail the guitar as my previous attempts have been very poor. I thought it was a good opportunity to take the fear from the guitar and get to a level I’m happy with. I’d like to play a few tunes one day. If I keep practicing I will. I am already feeling better about it.
It has helped a lot especially lately with the return of some unwanted monsters, one of which is anxiety and panic attacks. If I could go a whole day with out one it would make my life so much easier and less scared of the next one, It’s as unpredictable as T.N. Not as painful but nearly as scary. There are more monsters chasing me about but I’ll leave that for another entry.
I’m trying to get better as fast as possible, I take zyprexa to help with my appetite but it is not working nor is it helping the sleep.(It is somewhat helping with the back round noise I’d like it to last a bit longer. From what I recall in the past Olanzapine (zyprexa) has caused me to eat and even put on a couple of kilos. This time round it’s the opposite I have no desire to eat and feel awful if I do. I’m not sure whats going on. I have not to my recollection ever had this much trouble eating.
Doctor news. Well I have been waiting a long time to see a doctor that practices closer to my home instead of a 45 minute drive, Which is very difficult as I feel bad about having to ask for help from my support workers to drive me. It’s a waste of time (not always)I could be talking with my support worker over a coffee, Or participating in something constructive.
I am now really needing a closer doctor and maybe even have a medicine review. It totally destroys the whole concept that I am supposed to not think about pain when so many hours a week waiting at the pharmacy picking up medications, having doctor appointments, Screaming when I need breakthrough medication, remembering to take my tablets 3 times a day, Enjoying something then I get a severe attack. I can’t help but feel how unfair this is, I was brought up not to believe in unfairness but This has changed things for me. I look at things differently according to what my T.N will allow.
Apart from all that I do manage to find the time to paint, Play guitar/trumpet, Hang out with my dogs, Ride my bike around the backyard, Even break dance when I’m not in too much pain T.N or ross river which I thought would have gone by now, It comes back ever time I have a cold or flu and makes my knees, elbows, ankles and wrists really hurt and slightly swell. I would just like to have a day with no physical or emotional/mentally distress. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
I will continue to work on my focusing method to ease the pain it seems to work. Just a little trick I learned one day when the pain became unbearable and suicidal I stared at a light which I concentrated on until the pain gave me a few seconds relief. Now I have a rock in my bag/pocket in case. I can take it out and focus on it in emergencies. But for real emergencies I’m not messing about any more Anaphylactic shock, fainting, loosing the plot. Any of the above I now don’t mind if I end up with a night in hospital. Better then being dead hey? Well so a few people I know think, Love to you souls who want to see me doing better, and getting out of this pain.
Well I have to go practice guitar for a while in substitute for my clonazepam. In all honesty the clonazepam works a treat for the TN but isn’t the greatest for anxiety I already have a problem with he colour of the pill (and the cost $$$) but anything for the TN. I’m hoping someone can help me more with the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are getting rougher and more consuming. I really feel like I am going crazy, my friends have assured me I am not and it will pass, I really want that to happen soon. I feel like life should cut me a little slack so I can use what tools I have to try and repair the damage in my head. Well I need a dose of guitar now.
I really have a lot on my mind and when I get the chance I will right it down, It usually helps me get some of my brain in order. If I fail I will just take the Olanzapine and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I should wake feeling much better then this.
April 17, 2008
Today seemed very long I think it’s because I woke up so early and had a lot of red cordial. I painted, I played some trumpet. Played xbox. I listened to music. I went out. I actually felt almost normal in the shops. One of my best mates came over for a visit. He’s been a good mate for ages.
The TN seemed to leave me alone a bit which was wonderful to say the least.
It’s now at dinner time I get all nervous and anxious. Yeah I’m gonna cave in to Oxazepam. At least I might get some more sleep. Maybe less nightmares.
I feel achy from the day but I feel a bit better.
February 26, 2008
Well once again I took my meds for sleeping I drank milk till the cows left. That was about 9 last night. I gave up trying to sleep at 3am. I was hyper, paranoid n yeh pretty crazy. So I promised my partner I wouldn’t do anything stupid or thoughtless. So he trusted me, That was good.
Feeling pretty delusional at the moment. What was that??? Sorry thought I heard you say something. I got1 doctor and a therapist to see today. geeeeeeeeez I can see stuff (that ain’t there). Should be interesting. Hmmm maybe interesting’s not the word. Don’t feel like swearing so I’ll stick with interesting.
February 25, 2008
I still cant sleep. all these problems in my head. I can’t release. I can’t just stay awake forever. I can’t even drink my way to sleep. I’ve had some diazepam and serepax. I’ve drunk a cows worth of tryptophane. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don’t know how to sleep. F**k this is bad. I really wanna cut but I’m not gonna. I haven’t even been on my ADHD meds for a while. Drivin me nuts. Can’t finish a … a… sentence or anything.
I think I need to go back in I know that some of them will treat me with little respect but who cares thats they’re job maybe others can help.
The fact of the matter is I am nuts. I don’t want to go to bed. It’ll just remind me of my last nightmares. I’m scared. I get a fever when I get into bed I start getting paranoid.
I don’t know how or why I’ve lasted this long. Friends and family I guess. no wait I’m a narsacistic attention seeker.
How did this world become so cruel???
I’m trying and getting no where. I need sleep I know that I need food I know that. But actually doing these things is becoming impossible.
Well thats my rant, Thanks for reading.
February 24, 2008
So I stupidly call these guys some who are just complete wankers. Cos I got a nice big knife ready to stab myself with. Which caused a stir in the house.
So I’m on the phone to this really not understanding guy who see’s no problem only that im a narsasistic egotistical person. He said well ya mustn’t care much for your partner if your gonna top yourself. He was completely arrogant he didn’t understand what my problems were and how bad they got. And the fact I’ve had nightmares, ptsd, ocd, panic disorder, racing thoughts for a very long time. Im having a hard time controlling it. Let alone a tropical virus a f**ked back , sprained ankle, Trigeminal neuralgia and a family that doesn’t really get me.
He just kept referring me to see my therapist and kept saying ‘look you’ve had therapy for x amount of months you should know how to deal with everything. Well here some news I’m f**ken ADHD and I forget everything (yay for cognative process)
Now with that list of problems not even super councilor from the planet Psych could cover half my problems.
I’m very grateful that my therapist has helped me so much with my OCD an Agoraphobia. But she can’t be expected to cover all bases. She is a super therapist. I’m just a slow patient.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do now but I’ll hang on the earth a bit longer just to piss people off as one said.
So now I feel worse then before I called. Again thank you to the very competent Mental Health Team.
I just can’t take it anymore. How f***n blind can some people be. Yes I know there are strings that need tying and friends that need apologies.
I can’t think straight at all.
December 20, 2007
Well the last week has been turmoil to say the least. In a moment of shiraz drunkeness I slipped down some stairs and sprained my ankle. My back is still annoying me and giving me a good dose of pain.
So I go to the doctors to get my ankle looked at but it really wasn’t my biggest problem. I told them how I was mentally. The doc was very understanding. I still left the docs feeling like jumping under a car. The docs an receptionists let me stay in the waiting room for my lift home.
A day later things get worse I almost got to the finish line when my partner calls the police on me. I told my partner in a moment of anger something I never wanted to verbalize. Well now it’s out I have to deal with it. The police came brought me to hospital. Stayed for a couple of nights (thinking well hey have to let me out sooner or later.) The hospital staff and nurses actually got me thinking. I now feel less suicidal. I feel like theres a way out of this. It will take time I know. I just take it a minute at a time. Theres hope for everyone.
*If your reading this and feel at all like I have please get yourself to a doctor and tell them what you are feeling. Depression is hard to deal with alone like other mental illnesses.
November 18, 2007
On top of all my problems is a nasty monster that comes out at night called nightmares. It’s morning now but last night I had a nightmare that consisted f me trying to find a way to get of this planet literally (with spaceship) So people laughed at me. I got more upset and determined to leave. Knowing the average human knows nothing of passing on. I grabbed a pen and stabbed myself in the neck. the laughed again saying do you know that will take ages for you to die. so I found a place and a blade and did it quicker. Then I woke up saying “no more!!!”. I really don’t know how long I can take this. My partner made me a cup of tea and Im gonna have to have a Oxazepam 30mg to stop the shaking and the thoughts. I’m gonna skip the Dexamphetamine today. I just cant wait for the day to finish. I hopefully will be fully settled by tonight.
New night hopefully No dreams or nightmares or those dreams I wake up inside of another dream or wake up and see things everywhere.