March 14, 2008
I get up every day take my tablet and get ready for the day. I try to keep up with everyone and be a good person. My mind is full of racing thoughts and I feel panic a lot still. I would love to Find a way of treating and fixing the TN but I don’t know what to do. I have so many bad thoughts. I don’t act on them though I really feel strongly about them. I haven’t cut for ages now I feel I’ve been good in that perspective. I went to the beach yesterday and walked around. It was nice but I still felt strange inside. I tried to cheer myself up with a sand sculpture. I watched people with they’re dogs. They looked happy.
I look happy on the outside. People think I’m happy. Thats the main thing. If they get worried they’ll think I need help. I’ll try keep my head as straight as I can. I’m sure my partner will notice if i start going downhill.
I find writing on here keeps me in check as well.
November 23, 2007
I don’t know where I wanna be It’s not like I actually want to leave the house. I hate the nightmares days full of thoughts and memories. Not any amount of benzo or horse tranquliser is gonna kill this feeling. Last night I compiled some work on the war on Iraq etc. for someone I love. I stayed up till very late getting it finished. Got up as early as possible after a sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt of those scary animals that jump out of the water trying to get me and I have a narrow slippery path I have to get past but theres nothing at the end only cliffs and big flying objects. I find this s*** quite disturbing makes me shake n sweat all day. I’m really trying to hang on. I have been havin a very bad week. My brain has any way.
Sometimes I just want out. Two days ago I locked myself in the bathroom busted a razor to get the blades out. Again my partner came in angry as. It made me wanna do it faster. He ran toward me I was so scared I threw the razor in the direction of the bin. he looked at me he was furious. I mean ya gotta understand I spose he would be but at the time it was hard for me to see. I must think before I do, but then again is that really gonna help? Maybe I should just jump. It’s times like this I wish I’d told the doctor that I’m really a suicidal. Cos I need answers I need this dark cloud and horrible feelings of betrayal, hurt and anxiousness to leave my life. I can’t deal with OCD anymore It wins yes it f**ks with my head all day like I haven’t got enough other problems theres OCD to help support the anxiety and the low self esteem should help with the panic attacks and depression.
Does anyone know a way out of this hole?
I am so beside myself there are many of me.