April 2, 2010
I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.
I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but for a reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.
I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.
The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.
I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.
Gonna try get some sleep.
October 8, 2009
Tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to ba calling my pain doc in the morning to hear the good news that I will be switching medication due to alot of reasons. Basically the patches are not working well with me anymore well I must say that they only worked well half the time and I think anything has got to be better then that even if only a short time till we find something new. Today has been dreadful for me. I woke up anxious and stayed that way throughout the day almost unable to speak or do anything. So I don’t know where this is going but I’m very glad I have a benzo to fall back on. I have not been eating well. Probably drinking too much and smoking. I’ve also been working out and dancing so I feel very run down. I guess that would attribute to the feeling I have right now. Why do I feel sad during the day??? Every day. I think I don’t like the world very much right now. The telescope has been far the flavour. It gives me what nothing else can an enormous feeling of space and and a connection with the vast emptiness between beautiful things.
As for now I must remain seated and quiet until I figure out my future. I am quite worried about it at the moment. In one aspect. I am getting better at being in public in another I am falling apart with everything else. I don’t know how I still smile. well. I smile to show confidence. There is another thing I am enjoying right now well. I am tolerating is music or dead silence. I don’t want to hear another complaint or news or anything!!! Can everyone just get along. Be honest and live well. Where am I? I hope I find out tomorrow. The suspense is killing me. Another page closer.
March 14, 2008
I get up every day take my tablet and get ready for the day. I try to keep up with everyone and be a good person. My mind is full of racing thoughts and I feel panic a lot still. I would love to Find a way of treating and fixing the TN but I don’t know what to do. I have so many bad thoughts. I don’t act on them though I really feel strongly about them. I haven’t cut for ages now I feel I’ve been good in that perspective. I went to the beach yesterday and walked around. It was nice but I still felt strange inside. I tried to cheer myself up with a sand sculpture. I watched people with they’re dogs. They looked happy.
I look happy on the outside. People think I’m happy. Thats the main thing. If they get worried they’ll think I need help. I’ll try keep my head as straight as I can. I’m sure my partner will notice if i start going downhill.
I find writing on here keeps me in check as well.
March 4, 2008
Things that have changed over the last year:
1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.
2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).
3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).
4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?
Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.
After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.
Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.
November 20, 2007
It’s another one of those Tuesdays where I’m gonna F*** up everything I go near. I’ve already spilled my drink on myself, turned up to my follow up appointment on the wrong day, run out of smokes phone credit and money. So all my mates will probably think I’m a snob for not replying to their sms’s. (I don’t use the phone unless I know who it is or am expecting importants calls) So credit usually lasts me a long time. I’m not about to call them.
I’m sure Tuesday is just here to remind me how much my life sucks I really don’t want to go out again today. But I have to. I have to see the doc have a chat n get some panadol (even tho paracetamol really sucks) Anyway I heard it’s bad in large amounts.
I don’t want to go out I just want to sit here n shake for the rest of the day. I’m sure something or someone will crack the mold for that plan. “Hey NW come out and see this?” “NW you should come to the meeting it’ll be fun” I know alot of the time they are trying subtle therapy on me. Some times its just because the genuienly need me. I really miss them I wish I felt comfortable enough to go out and see them. I feel so bad for so many years of not seeing relatives and friends. I may as well not exist I mean when some people say it you can laugh but I am so non existent in my friends and relatives lives it would take a long time to notice. Of course my partner would. I know one friend that would take notice. And a friend on the net. I only like going a couple of days max without us catching up. We really ground each other.
Today has been a wet dreary but at least not to cold a day. Im not in the mood to look out the window but I assume it hasn’t changed.
The Answer : Tuesdays a drag cos it comes after Monday and I gotta make a video for an upcoming conference. It’s in two weeks so I better hurry up and do it. If I go to the docs – when I come back I could spend about 6-10 hours making it then I need sleep for at least 5 hours then I’ll be bright and ready for a follow up appointment tommorow morning.
sorry bout the rambling just needed to get it out.
November 14, 2007
The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.
Well that’s my thoughts for now.