November 15, 2009
So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake. Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.
Note: 53kg this week. 58kg 2 weeks ago…
I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.
Hope it cools down soon.
Stay cool if ya feelin it.
March 22, 2008
Today was good. Nice weather happy people.
The last few days I’ve been working on an oil painting. At the moment it looks quite disturbing but soon I hope to turn it into a thing of beauty. I have to concentrate, (Hyper focus) on anything. I’m jumping from one thing to another every 10 minutes to 10 second. Thats probably why the paintings not finished.
Good thing is the latest person to come into my life needs help with something I specialize in. I think I could get to enjoy teaching what I have learned.
Another friend dropped in today which really lifted my mood to see he was doing well. I’m feeling stronger in myself for having now someone to help. But feel like falling apart at any time.
On top of it all the attack starts happening around dinner so I take some new medication I read about on the net that might reduce pain. Well all I feel is a bit sick n like shite. Probably the cocktail I had because of the awful panic attack that happened earlier I just chucked a few diazepams down. With the oxycontin as well it may be interacting but err who gives a f**k any way. I’ll do anything for a sleep without paranoia and nightmares.
I know Coping strategies but I can never seem to put them in place. I don’t know why the hospital left me this way. I can’t make any decisions for myself or anything. I’m feeling numb, careless, sad. But like the mental health team said “Well If your gonna kill yourself why haven’t you done it yet?”I believe they were quite uneducated and did not think about what they were saying.
I’ll just keep myself distracted and face my problems some other time.
February 25, 2008
I still cant sleep. all these problems in my head. I can’t release. I can’t just stay awake forever. I can’t even drink my way to sleep. I’ve had some diazepam and serepax. I’ve drunk a cows worth of tryptophane. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don’t know how to sleep. F**k this is bad. I really wanna cut but I’m not gonna. I haven’t even been on my ADHD meds for a while. Drivin me nuts. Can’t finish a … a… sentence or anything.
I think I need to go back in I know that some of them will treat me with little respect but who cares thats they’re job maybe others can help.
The fact of the matter is I am nuts. I don’t want to go to bed. It’ll just remind me of my last nightmares. I’m scared. I get a fever when I get into bed I start getting paranoid.
I don’t know how or why I’ve lasted this long. Friends and family I guess. no wait I’m a narsacistic attention seeker.
How did this world become so cruel???
I’m trying and getting no where. I need sleep I know that I need food I know that. But actually doing these things is becoming impossible.
Well thats my rant, Thanks for reading.