First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

March 14, 2011

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.


Cinema Trip

May 11, 2010

On wed the 10TH my peer worker suggested we go see a movie, normally I would not need to think about it I would jut say no. but after knowing my peer worker for a,while I knew I wold feel safe, so I stepped a bit further out of my zone by going to a big mall where the cinema was situated.So I followed my support work. most of the time I kept my anxiety under control. the bursts of pain were minimal which is always lucky as i still don’t have breakthrough painkillers.

I can’t believe the difference a year ago I would have said no to it. I went to my first movie in 7 years last years in November when I saw this is it. I was so into the movie I was barely looking for the exit signs.. I enjoyed the movie and felt good that I went. I’m feeling better about going out I think… I’m pretty sure. only once or twice did I start to wonder if people were staring at me. my rational mind kicked in. I realized I wasn’t alone. A great day. I rarely feel th success I did after that.



Performing… How and Why?

May 7, 2009

I got up early this morning because of withdrawals. Plus I thought I might start early again. Get my sleeping in order. I was browsing around on youtube when I found an old friend. He lives in another country far far away. I never expected to hear or see this person again. We only hung out for a week but we had a really good time. It was a nice surprise. I left him a message how he’d inspired me to get out and perform (good for the soul and good for the crowd) When he left to continue his stuff around the world I thought about how I could make a difference. He was a street artist/comedian.

About a year later when I was agoraphobic. I needed an outlet for my adreniline and nervous feelings. So I learned to dance (from the internet). At that stage I had forgotten the real meaning in performing to an audience. I spent a year at home practicing getting a bit better everyday. Then my mate from high school really pushed me(in a good way) to go to a dance studio and meet other dancers. So I did. I started a girls crew and we did really well. I left there and became solo again until another year later when I got an unexpected call from a 13 year old dancer saying I should do a show in the middle of the mall. I really respect this kid so I summond up the courage to do it. That day kicked off my dance with a bigger crew. They were really supportive as I was the only girl. They got me to gigs and shows even interstate show. I am forever grateful for. We have since split up but in our hearts we are still family. We will always be dancers and friends. So I am again solo. It doesn’t bother me but I would love to get down more with the kats perfoming in town and on the street. I know this is so cliche but I want to dance for the love of the dance. bboying will always be the bastard son of hiphop as long as people keep not accepting it as just as much important art form as scratching, painting, emcing. Very rarely respected enough by the rest of the hip hop community. One day it will get the respect it needs I’m sure. But in the meantime Im gonna dance till I drop. The earth is a really big dance floor. Thats what makes me happy.

I have to dance at a show on this Saturday. My fitness isn’t up to sctrach so I’m riding my bike going for walks and dancing to get back there. I have a few combos and sets ready. The main thing is I’ll have fun and I’ll have in my mind this dance will be for my dear friend that passed away in 2005. He was a magnificent mc. He even did a song about me. I loved all his rhymes.

I know everything will be okay,… Wish me luck anyway!!!

Peace out G’s

Night Worrier

Thanks to bboy Katsu (JPN), Budda (Canada), Storm (US), Kool Herc (US)  You’ve been a huge inspiration for my dance. And of course all my close friends that have stood by me and helped me through the hard stuff.