August 22, 2013
For months It seems like everyday is harder to care or feel. Still just depressed (According to Acute Crisi Intervention I am doing just fine. When I called and asked for help because I wasn’t feeling right. I thought someone would help me see reason not tell me to go on a waiting list for DBT again. That’s year or 2 wait!! I am getting worse by the hour. I feel like any minuute my circumstances could radically change.
Sorry no good news.
February 13, 2013
I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤
Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.
Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.
I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.
September 28, 2012
It’s when I wake in the morning and realize I have no reason to wake up. I am bored with this planet and sick of my nerves getting in the way of me doing anything, I’ll never make it, these thoughts go on for 15 minutes while I stare at the clock tick over 10 am and think everyone is somewhere doing something now,
I’m not doing anything and my biggest plans for the day is struggling to get motivated to do anything probably doesn’t help that my wonderful government cut off my medication because they got someone elses test results, from that I am now paying the price and it’s not light. I will admit before I was depressed but now not even the sunshine and flowers in the day outside make me feel anything,
I know I can’t concentrate and it is really driving me crazy, to make it all worse my city is having huge gusts of wind everyday and it makes it way to hard to go out. I end up taking it out on the boxing bag once the pain has subsided, Which just makes me angrier. I feel so weak and out of control, I would have liked to say things had changed but no I still have to deal with more than anyone on this planet should have to.
So what I keep waiting for people to treat me properly or ignore them which leaves a few people I trust… Living for me or them?
I’ in stupid crazy pain right now. Just thought I’d update since it’s been so long; So I left out the action packed bits, I’ll let you fill that in.
December 29, 2009
The new year is arriving and I have very mixed feelings. I’m feeling anxious most of the time but the level of anxiety has definitely lessen since I got to start a new pain medication that doesn’t yet seem to have side effects. I have danced a lot more with the crew which has helped get me through a lot. Even if I really don’t feel like it. Then again I don’t feel like doing anything!!!
Christmas. What was all that then? I went to my Dads for Christmas to meet up with family and give them presents. I felt not very welcome, I was not greeted by the step brothers out the front. Almost like I wasn’t there. I walked in the main room where everyone was sitting the looked at me briefly and carried on. (Like anxiety problems aren’t enough) It was mostly my Dads wifes family in there. They didn’t talk to me at all. I gave them some xmas cards. I saw my Nanna in there and gave her painting and card. She was surprised to see me. She thought I wasn’t going to be there.!?!? ( I have never missed a Xmas at Dads) She told me my Aunty was at the outside setting. I went out there to give her present and card. I was happy to see my cousin out there with his girlfriend. My aunty reacted quite similar when she saw me. Eyes wide open, jaw dropped. She then said sorry I didn’t know…? I was starting to feel strange at this point. My cousin was glad to see me. A few long minutes later my other aunty showed up. Again very shocked that I was there (at my Dads house!!!) She said she didn’t think I would be there once again. I was feeling less and less welcome. Dad came out and saw me briefly for a few second for use to exchange gifts. I didn’t get any time to talk to him. I stayed for a few hours. Then left with everyone else.
How did it come to this. They are close relatives. They didn’t know anything about my life. In fact not sure weather they knew I was alive. I can’t believe meeting up with everyone could leave me feeling this empty and alone.I feel at this time in my life I need to know people care about me more then ever.
I am still shocked. I thought that having family living close by I could have someone to talk to but as location and situations with both sides of my family I am feeling like I don’t have anyone go to.
On top of these burning feelings. I’m still quite anxious and having panic attacks quite often. Which is unusual because the ADHD medication usually decreases my anxiety. This is kinda telling me I have a long road to go to find relief from this awful monster. The depression as I mentioned earlier must be quite bad right now as my thoughts about things and the world are feeling %100 meaningless. I hate to get up in the morning I hate to live through the day and night time well it’s just another night. What is wrong with me? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now. I haven’t told the doctor because if I do he will take me off my pain meds and that’s a quick way to kill someone with chronic pain and depression. I want to get better. I just have very little will atm.
So what do I have to be Happy about? Well I’m trying this new medication that probably wont kill me. (yay Sarc) I have a few friends but I don’t feel like socializing. The end of the year is coming. Goodbye 2009.
June 4, 2009
Mixed feelings, The order of the day. I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling this way but I am okay. I know inside I will be fine soon. Maybe some more sunlight would be helpful and maybe if I wasn’t in this confusing situation with the law and maybe if I hadn’t busted my hand, so yeh that means no dancing for a while (for those who came in late… I breakdance so I use my hands ALOT). Its also quite hard to draw and paint. lucky I can still think and type. (Maybe slow but it’s worth it)
Had a bit of trouble in the middle of the night (why is it always at that time?) I guess because that’s when I’m truly exhausted from the day and I can’t take anymore stress that plays on my mind. It’s sometimes very hard to shut down. Woke up again in sweats from the fentanyl wearing off in my sleep. It’s quite a hard medication to keep level. Even with my safe method of usage. I really need to be changed to something else soon. It will happen I know.
Two days ago my dog Bonny had some puppies. That was a charm. The pups are beautiful. There is one a little one different colour and size to the others I guess you could call her the runt but I think little one is a better title for her. The others are all big and strong. Six pups all up 2 boys 4 girls. I was told that made me a grandma now. Funny because Bonny really looks for help from me sometimes. I just watch them and try and keep them calm and quiet so Bonz get some rest.
So with all this I have a lot of animals to care for and concentrate on. I think for at least 6 weeks. So it’ll be around my birthday when the pups are running around and chewing everything in sight. Watching my Bonz care for them brings such happiness. How can anyone be sad with all these little hearts needing some love. I’ll be fine.
Love ya all. xo
May 22, 2009
So I went to the exhibition opening with my support worker. I was glad I did. When we got there I was kinda freaked out. ( I always am at first its a given.) Especially If it starts in a city car park and an elevator. I’m sure it was easier because I had support there with me.
After walking around looking at the different paintings, poems, sculptures and photos I started to relax. I got less self conscious as the night proceeded Then what more would you want but an old mate to be there to enjoy the night. I was really happy that my friends and mentors from the program had turned up. They are all really good people. The place was so hype. Around every corner was a bright different piece. I got to see one of mine up. It was cool. Not my favorite pic or anything but nice to see my work up there. My other painting which I personally really liked was unfortunately taken before it was displayed. I hope it’s being enjoyed somewhere rather then just binned. But either way. I still love to paint I find it very relaxing. Can you believe I just said that ”Relaxing”.(that’s the second reference in one passage) I think I’m learning how to.
When I can conquer relaxing. I will have improved my life measurably. Well I am again very happy that people helped me and encouraged me against my judgement(monkey on my shoulder) and got me to do it. Another challenge faced, Another really good feeling inside. I will hold onto the night.
This was the painting that was unfortunately stolen before the exhibition. (strange story maybe will write about it in future blog) If you have it and would like to return it please call me again and we can arrange it. I would be very thankful. Otherwise please enjoy it and treasure it.
This next one was inspired by this blog in fact.
Writing -another- note
This is the other one I put in the exhibition.
They are both done in acrylic.
Hope you like.
I will make a separate blog soon for my art. sketches, watercolour, spray, oil, sculptures, acrylic, cartoons and lots more.
April 13, 2009
I woke up this morning and walked into the lounge room where my mate was sleeping. We slowly walked outside while complaining of our pains (like the couple of emo’s we sometimes are.) to have a smoke. I noticed I felt very tired. I don’t feel like doing anything.I’m just too tired. I haven’t even had my medication yet. Well after this post Ill do that.
I recently met someone who is into all the entertaining things I like we emailed for a while and I wasn’t feeling as alone. I’m pretty sure we can’t mail each other now *update* ( I can still keep in contact- Its been ok) . But as they say All good things must come to an end. I think that sayings crap (I still agree this saying is crap). It seems like everything in my life comes to an end before it even begins.
Well back to this tiredness. I will go to bed early tonight as I have to see the doctor tomorrow. Probably be thrown around mentally so much so I don’t say anything and life continues its chaotic route. Oh yeh lucky me I get to see a copper aswell.
Are we getting closer to the monster at the end of this book!!! What ever you do I pray you don’t turn the next page.
You did it now we’re even closer to the monster.
Ahh no I need some real sleep.