September 28, 2012
It’s when I wake in the morning and realize I have no reason to wake up. I am bored with this planet and sick of my nerves getting in the way of me doing anything, I’ll never make it, these thoughts go on for 15 minutes while I stare at the clock tick over 10 am and think everyone is somewhere doing something now,
I’m not doing anything and my biggest plans for the day is struggling to get motivated to do anything probably doesn’t help that my wonderful government cut off my medication because they got someone elses test results, from that I am now paying the price and it’s not light. I will admit before I was depressed but now not even the sunshine and flowers in the day outside make me feel anything,
I know I can’t concentrate and it is really driving me crazy, to make it all worse my city is having huge gusts of wind everyday and it makes it way to hard to go out. I end up taking it out on the boxing bag once the pain has subsided, Which just makes me angrier. I feel so weak and out of control, I would have liked to say things had changed but no I still have to deal with more than anyone on this planet should have to.
So what I keep waiting for people to treat me properly or ignore them which leaves a few people I trust… Living for me or them?
I’ in stupid crazy pain right now. Just thought I’d update since it’s been so long; So I left out the action packed bits, I’ll let you fill that in.
February 14, 2010
I went to the doctors as I wasn’t feeling too well I had been feeling like this a few days but now it was at the point I couldn’t stop shaking and sweating. I was doubled over in pain. I had waited and waited to get over what ever was the problem usually I say well If I’m sick today I’ll be recovering tomorrow. At the doctors I quickly found out I was just getting sicker and needed to go to hospital. When I arrived in the waiting room of pain I looked at all the solemn faces and bored expressions. I thought to myself If I could look that comfortable I’d be at home but I guess everyone had something wrong weather they swallowed a battery or punched through a window (It was a friday) So I sat there shivering sweating and pale trying to look tough. The waiting room is quite confronting. You don’t want people to think your weak. So I held a steady emotionless look. My partner asked for a nurse for me as I was getting sicker by the second. When they got a bed for me I got on lied down and screamed. I guess I felt like I could now no one was watching. A nurse saw me and asked a few questions took my obs. She then gave me some morphine for the pain. She remarked thats the first time I’ve seen you smile tonight. I thought I’d be smiling in everyday life If I was always pain free. I sat on my bed chatting on instant messaging on my phone to my friends (perfect distraction) while I felt a nauseous spin of the morphine. My friends sent me good messages for the night and the doctors let me rest giving me injection intervals of antibiotics and morphine. Through the night the pain stabbed. I got a nurse about 3 am for more pain relief. By morning I was still in pain and scared the surgeons would soon be in my curtain room wielding scalples and notes* (WARNING *notes are powerful things that can lead to surgery). I got some scans done and tests. They said they wouldn’t have a clear result for 2 days but as for now I need to take my antibiotics and hope I’m totally better in a week.
The surgeons spoke to me in the morning and we’re not sure weather to take out my appendix or not. I usually think if it’s a maybe – don’t cut) The second surgeon left me with antibiotics and painkillers. He said If it’s still painful in three days to see my doc. Yeh ok I will go back but I don’t know about going back to the butchers hospital. I mean these surgeons looked competant and all but It’s surgery is something I’m terrified of. It’s gonna take nerves of steel to go back.
I will update on how it goes but for now I need rest. I’m still aching a bit.
November 2, 2007
Well this it what happened yesterday. I woke up at 6 a.m then threw up. then my partner grabbed a bucket and I continued. So after about half an hour of this I decide to have a shower to get the sweat n shivers down(also to clean up but yeah) so I get out of the shower put some clean clothes on and start throwing again it’s about 6:45 now and it’s continuous I dont even get chance to breathe (I swear I took nothing to provoke this). So at about 8 a.m I give in and go to the hospital. They immediately gave me a fantastic drug Maxalon. Yay that was great but it only lasted bout half an hour. They also gave me morphine which worked a treat for the pain but kinda spun me a bit. They did various scans xrays etc . Nurse looks at my cut wrist and says has she got a personality disorder. Talked like I wasn’t there. And no It’s not a personality disorder It’s depression and suicidal feelings. I’m sick of losing the ones I love I’m sick of my own inability to cope and contribute to the world. So yeah they discharged me about 5p.m I was still sick as. So now It’s a day later n Im still sick n cant take anything for it cos it will just be chucked up. I’ll stick to the water n 2 cigs a day. Yeah thats right since I been sick I have been totally inable to even have a cig I can barely move. Cravings arnt to bad I guess cos I’m so sick.
I will look after myself if not for me but my family and friends.