Woken up!!!

March 1, 2008

Yep thats right I slept last night. 15 hours or something. Well it had to happen at some stage.

Yesterday my doc put me on an antidepressant which is not really but it is? I don’t really wanna take it. Tossing up. It’s called Avanza®,Remeron®,Mirtaz®. It’s chem name is Mirtazapine . I’m very suspicious. Since the bad side effects of others. I really trust my Gp is thinking the best for me.What to do?.It’s also means I have to stop Tramadol, But the Tramadol was making life a lot easier for my back and head.  The sleep last night has sorta calmed me down now. I’m not feeling the speed of the slope now. Hmmm anyone can you shed some light on the situation? The 50mgs of Tramadol a day with the Oxycontin was really helping me keep my head as together as it does these days. Wjat to do?

Herse’s my antidepressant ratings from the past:

Aropax – Did nothing/ No noticable effects or change in mood.

Lexapro – Bad Hallucinations, More anxiety, more panic attacks, Depressed more then ever. Suicidal. After stopping Lexapro these effects continued for I would approximate a year to a few months more.

Effexor xr – Bad change in mood, loss of interet and motivation, Severe Depression, PTSD got harder to handle eg. nightmares, Patterns of thought, racing thoughts. etc

What will happpen next I’m very nervous. Maybe It will work great but I dont want to be on medicationss forever if it means i get withdrawal is suicide.

I need some time to think and do some more research.



Merry Christmas 2007

December 25, 2007

I woke up this morning grabbed a long neck beer and sat on the porch calling people wishing them a good day. Then It was my turn. I went to relatives house with lots of people there. I was quite freaked to begin with but it eased over an hour. It was coming home that really pushed my anxiety up. I luckily brought some oxazepam with me. I also got given a soft toy for Christmas. That was also very helpful in calming down.

A nice day all round. Ready for the drinks n fun now. It’s 10:24 and I wanna party even if it is by myself.

Peace Merry Christmas or happy Tuesday if that’s your thing,


Went to the Asian Grocery Store

November 14, 2007

I figured I’d got to this shop I used to go to when I was a kid always get cool lollies there. So I walk in and it’s crowded as. I was getting nervous but I just let it be n walked into a less crowded isle. I found my favourite lolly ‘White Rabbits’ white creamy toffee white rice paper wrapped around. So then I remember I need to buy smokes too. So I look at the smoke rack then see some weird smokes I never seen before. So I say can I get some cigarettes too? The lady looks at me and asks for ID. I quickly produce my ID which shows Im over 25. She laughs and says “You look young” lol I was so nervous. She charged me only $6.50 for the pack. I walk out happy

Heres a look at the pack:

Yeah bright red I’d definatley preferred a blue one.
the smokes were king size. They tasted alright. The price was excellent. Tho I have reviewed a pack of cigarettes I think smoking can be bad for your health. If you want to take care of yourself don’t smoke orhang around smokers. I could go on but it would become a lecture haha.



Road Trip

November 5, 2007


We drove down south in hopes of doing a small job. Which turned out to be a big wild goose chase type job with a major lack of equipment. So my mood swings from being hyped up to do something outside to anxious to the max (so many bridges to cross). We drop in on a friend while we’re down there But I felt to sick to sit in a cold room talking or not talking politics. Felt sick as so went and sat in the car and watched a DVD. I sat there freakin out almost so much I couldn’t move to even get the valium. Just wasn’t handling it well. At all. I kept thinking . What are they thinking in there talking they’re probably wondering why I got sick and had to sit in the car. Ah I hate this worrying. I don’t want to be anywhere, See anything or do anything. It’s not the weather, the environment, the constrictive nature of human life. It’s everything.

So it’s the next day after squatting in a choice little house across the road from the surf beach. I wake up with a full panic attack. I reach for the Valium and last nights left over sarsparilla.


Walking backing forth for two hours didn’t make it any easier. I made a cup of teh and som mi goreng ( I love it. I think I’m addicted!!!)
mi goreng

But unfortunatly I just couldn’t finish it. I felt way too nervous.

After lunch I decided against the back ache and to take the dog across the road to the beach to try clear my head.

It was cold, windy and dark clouds coming but somehow I felt some relaxation. It was nice to see the lone desperate surfer trying to get some action on some nice dumping waves. Wel I mean it’s nice to see some one with passion and determination.


I walked back over the train tracks to ‘The House’ There’s still stuff in it the tennents have left behind and they drop in now and then to pick it up. I get so nervous when I meet new people. I guess thats the real reason I went to the beach. I really need to change the music on my mp3 player (same songs for 2 plus months) & I don’t even have a ‘random’ button on it. I really want to get home. Not because theres something I need or want but I really dont like being out of my comfort zone (which is about 10 metres). I noticed I’m running out of smokes but it’s not really bothering me. I have a strange feeling of not needing anything. Well It’s Monday I’m home and I’m bout to walk to the shop. My backs being a bastard but I gotta do it for therapies sake.



Saturday Night (Is the lonliest night of the week)

November 2, 2007

 Well today I’m preparing for a trip out actually quite far away. Hope all goes well. It’s 18 degrees and I’m gonna spend the next two days walking a beach down south. I’ll be back soon to report on how it all goes. Nervous now but we’ll see how it goes.



Tuesday Blues

October 23, 2007

Tuesdays so much like the others. Unpredictable, Anxiety provoking, Dr Phil watching, Tea drinking, Cigarette smoking hide under the couch day.

OCD really getting to me today. I’m doing everything over and over. If you could just see how much s*** I’m going through just typing this. I still don’t know exactly how to deal with it except hide it from my boyfriend. Sometimes he sees. He might say something and what ever it is I don’t think I wanna hear it.

Well I’m gonna get out an old comic and read it maybe it’ll settle me down. I know Ill probably only read to page 32 but lucky usually these publications only go to 32. Yay

Aftewards I’ll get on my bike n go to the shops. I won’t be going in but I will get there n hang for a bit till I shake a bit of anxiety off. I’ve been doin this for nearly 2 weeks (since I left the treatment program) and I have sorta noticed my anxiety dropping. Some days are better then others. I still have Diazepam for the bad days but on the days I’m feeling a bit strong I use to my advantage by getting out of the house or doing things I wouldn’t usually.