Being Good

March 14, 2008

 I get up every day take my tablet and get ready for the day. I try to keep up with everyone and be a good person. My mind is full of racing thoughts and I feel panic a lot still. I would love to Find a way of treating and fixing the TN but I don’t know what to do. I have so many bad thoughts. I don’t act on them though I really feel strongly about them. I haven’t cut for ages now I feel I’ve been good in that perspective. I went to the beach yesterday and walked around. It was nice but I still felt strange inside. I tried to cheer myself up with a sand sculpture. I watched people with they’re dogs. They looked happy.

I look happy on the outside. People think I’m happy. Thats the main thing. If they get worried they’ll think I need help. I’ll try keep my head as straight as I can. I’m sure my partner will notice if i start going downhill.

I find writing on here keeps me in check as well.



Zombie me

March 12, 2008

So for the last few days I’ve been a zombie. Haven’t said much ate much slept much. Just been well…. a zombie. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused, etc.



Keeping on track

February 5, 2008

 So I went to see my therapist today. It was ok. I told her about my worries of the RRV and the stress I’m having eating, drinking, sleeping. She showed me the big picture again and helped me put things in perspective. As I have been letting worrying thoughts enter my head. Well not just enter but have a party.

On my way home we stopped at the shops to get bread I walked to the bakery to get something for lunch as I’m now gonna make an effort to have three meals a day. Plus I’ll be keeping hydrated with the most purest thing… water.

Most of the RRV pain has gone now. The pain is really only there when I wake up or after I try to run or do anything strenuous. I’m very happy about that. Seems like it’s taken forever to leave me alone.

The TN is still annoying me. I take tramal everyday and I’m pretty sure it’s stopping most of the pain. Hard to say. It definatley helps me walk about with a stuffed back and joints.

I’m really putting an effort in on all fronts now. There might be alot holding me back physically but nothing is stopping me from keeping a strong mind and working my problems out. I am very lucky to have the friends I have too. They help keep me strong. I still have my bad times but I’m learning how to cope better.

Peace and Love,


I Don’t think I’d say life is smooth sailing but…

January 28, 2008

Seems this time everyone is on one side or the other when it comes to my illnesses. I just want everyone to be happy. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Family should always be close. But sometimes our friends help us pick up the pieces. I will always watch their backs too.

I have a terrible pain down the side of my face the GP calls it Trigeminal Neuralgia. The most painful f***ing thing I ever have. So now Im told this n that about taking the medications. I’m so lucky to have a close friend with the same and experience of it. Without his help I think would have given up by now. His peace and love has been a godsend.

Whatever happened to that dark depression that came from no where? Its all so mixed up now. I’m determined to get through it. All of it. The physical pain is one thing that needs a handle. Next will be the stubborn anxiety and depression. I’ll keep walking the mountain to the top. I don’t expect it to be easy but I feel my mind is ready to start.

I want to see the colours of the world and feel it. I think about my family and friends and I know sometime I will be able to pay them back for all the help they’ve offered me.

Soon I will be free of this pain. Looking forward in life now.

Peace, Love,


Pain (physical & Mental)

December 20, 2007

Well the last week has been turmoil to say the least. In a moment of shiraz drunkeness I slipped down some stairs and sprained my ankle. My back is still annoying me and giving me a good dose of pain.

So I go to the doctors to get my ankle looked at but it really wasn’t my biggest problem. I told them how I was mentally. The doc was very understanding. I still left the docs feeling like jumping under a car. The docs an receptionists let me stay in the waiting room for my lift home.

A day later things get worse I almost got to the finish line when my partner calls the police on me. I told my partner in a moment of anger something I never wanted to verbalize. Well now it’s out I have to deal with it. The police came brought me to hospital. Stayed for a couple of nights (thinking well hey have to let me out sooner or later.) The hospital staff and nurses actually got me thinking. I now feel less suicidal. I feel like theres a way out of this. It will take time I know. I just take it a minute at a time. Theres hope for everyone.

*If your reading this and feel at all like I have please get yourself to a doctor and tell them what you are feeling. Depression is hard to deal with alone like other mental illnesses.



I must be feeling better.

November 14, 2007

   The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.

Well that’s my thoughts for now.



Peace out