April 17, 2008
Today seemed very long I think it’s because I woke up so early and had a lot of red cordial. I painted, I played some trumpet. Played xbox. I listened to music. I went out. I actually felt almost normal in the shops. One of my best mates came over for a visit. He’s been a good mate for ages.
The TN seemed to leave me alone a bit which was wonderful to say the least.
It’s now at dinner time I get all nervous and anxious. Yeah I’m gonna cave in to Oxazepam. At least I might get some more sleep. Maybe less nightmares.
I feel achy from the day but I feel a bit better.
February 19, 2008
Well yeaterday I’d had enough of the pain. I’d barely slept and couldn’t realx for more then five minutes. I’ve really had it with this TN s**t. It’s caused me to cut and do all kinds of f**ked up stuff. I’ve haven’t exactlty been the greatest girlfriend one could have.
Today I saw the Doc she could clearly see how it was wearing me down and I needed something stronger for the pain so she prescribed me Oxycontin Which I had just a few days ago it worked amazingly. I think I’m finally getting some relief and this is the next day. my mood is a bit brighter too.
I think I’ll finally get some sleep and eat properly again. I hope the TN doesn’t last much longer.
I’m gonna see a dentist and see if its a tooth thats causing the problem. A good Idea the Doc had.
February 16, 2008
Im getting about 30 to 100 attacks a day I barely get any relief. I really hope the doc can help me. It’s sux a pity the Tegretol didn’t work. hot cold absoluttey nothing works. Only cutting but its no good in the long run. I feel so bad about it now. but when the pain starts to come it does seem to sooth it a bit. It maks me want to die. I start to see no hope.
I asked the doc last week how long it would last she thought months. MONTHS!!! It drive me nuts all day long its making all my other disorders worse.
I hope one day I can fit in with the rest of the community.
February 15, 2008
So I wake up at 6am again Throwing my guts up. I think it’s just nerves for the coming day.
Well amazingly. I woke up after a few!!! benzo and a beer. Yeah I’ve lived through more then that. I can’t really eplain the pain and turmoil I’m in at the moment. The physical things like my back and spained ankle are really getting to me.Not to mention the excruciating pain of the TN The world just seems so overwhelming right now.
After a night of benzos for sleep and Tramadol for pain. I wake up in the same emotional and physical pain I went to sleep with. it seems never ending.
I’m still trying to pace myself a day at a time.
It’s unfortunate my partner can’t see/understand my pain. It would make life so much easier. I can’t say I truely understand his either.
I just want everyone to be happy.
February 12, 2008
Well last doctors appointment I decided to switch back to valium. Yes it was definatly worth it. It even is helping with the trigeminal neuralgia. The Tramadol is also helping a bit but only in fairly high dosages. Since going back on valium I have lost all motivation to actually hurt myself but enough to go to a shop and not be totally freaked out. I think switching medications every now and then is good. Seems to work for me anyway.
If it weren’t for the TN I’d almost be living a normal life. I might even consider getting a real job. It’s hard to say. I need to stay on the dexamphetamine for that to happen.
I’ve been distracting myself by doing water colours of things. I find it pretty relaxing. Only prob is I never seem to finish them. Ah well. thats ADHD for ya.
Today has been good on the TN side of things. Probably only 20 attacks and it’s 6:30pm. The day has been very slow and not too disturbing (considering the night of bad dreams)
I wish everyday was this good.
January 28, 2008
Seems this time everyone is on one side or the other when it comes to my illnesses. I just want everyone to be happy. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Family should always be close. But sometimes our friends help us pick up the pieces. I will always watch their backs too.
I have a terrible pain down the side of my face the GP calls it Trigeminal Neuralgia. The most painful f***ing thing I ever have. So now Im told this n that about taking the medications. I’m so lucky to have a close friend with the same and experience of it. Without his help I think would have given up by now. His peace and love has been a godsend.
Whatever happened to that dark depression that came from no where? Its all so mixed up now. I’m determined to get through it. All of it. The physical pain is one thing that needs a handle. Next will be the stubborn anxiety and depression. I’ll keep walking the mountain to the top. I don’t expect it to be easy but I feel my mind is ready to start.
I want to see the colours of the world and feel it. I think about my family and friends and I know sometime I will be able to pay them back for all the help they’ve offered me.
Soon I will be free of this pain. Looking forward in life now.