Jeebus, it’s never ending

February 15, 2008

So I wake up at 6am again Throwing my guts up. I think it’s just nerves for the coming day.

Well amazingly.  I woke up after a few!!! benzo and a beer. Yeah I’ve lived through more then that. I can’t really eplain the pain and turmoil I’m in at the moment. The physical things like my back and spained ankle are really getting to me.Not to mention the excruciating pain of the TN The world just seems so overwhelming right now.

After a night of benzos for sleep and Tramadol for pain. I wake up in the same emotional and physical pain I went to sleep with. it seems never ending.

I’m still trying to pace myself a day at a time.

It’s unfortunate my partner can’t see/understand my pain. It would make life so much easier. I can’t say I truely understand his either.

I just want everyone to be happy.



Finally a reason for the physical pain!!!

January 14, 2008

Well today I went to my gp. I got my blood test results today. It Showed that I have Ross River Virus. Which means I got bitten by a mosquito which had ross river.

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I think it it was around Christmas. It was a nice warm night when I was lying on the ground in the night and looking through my telescope. My friend said there was to many mozzies (mosquitoes) I stayed outside a bit longer and I think thats when I was bitten.

Everyone around me now is really worried I explained it’s not that bad it’ll only last a little while like a week to a month. I mean I have chronic suicidal thoughts, Depression for a few months now and anxiety and no one lifts an eyelid. But ross river woah now they wory and I’m more stressed and in pain. At least the tramadol is working a bit still and the serepax makes it much easier to relax and even sleep now and then.

So heres that thanks to the hospital for sending me home saying its all in my head. another one for the crisis mental worker that stood there and also said it was just stress.

Two docs did tests for polymyalgia then my gp did one for ross river as it has similar symptoms. It really hurts to type. Be back tommorow with update.

So if you get similar symptoms and live in Australia ask for a Ross river blood test.



Pain All Over my Body

January 3, 2008

For the last week or so I’ve been waking up in agony at about 4-5 in the morning. The pain is everywhere. I am forced to get up and try and find some kind of comfort but it is just constant.

I got blood tests done which show there is nothing wrong.

Last night I went to the doctors because the pain is starting to take over the majority of the day. I explained how things had been going. He was very understanding. I didn’t feel as panicked as much as usual in doctors. He gave me a prescription for tramadol. Today I got up in my usual state of excruciating pain. I took a tramadol and waited very impatiently for some relief.

It’s the afternoon now and I still have the pain. I find the pain has reduced somewhat but I can still barely walk or do anything with power. Typing is hurting.

I have promised my therapist and partner I will not hurt myself. Even tho it kinda helps in a way. With that promise of course includes the promise not to suicide. I’m staying strong apart from the physical pain which feels like it’s taken over. Well less then a week I’ll see my regular Doctor. Maybe they can shed some more light on the problem.



I must be feeling better.

November 14, 2007

   The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.

Well that’s my thoughts for now.



Peace out

Back Troubles

November 11, 2007

When I was 19 I did something to my back while I was playing sport. I found out it was something to do with sciatica. My Mum and siblings have both had back troubles too. Eventually my back repaired itself but I couldn’t sit stand or do anything properly for about a year or more with very little relief (Ibruprofen 200mg) twice a day everyday. I paid big dollars to see a physio so I could lie down while he put a vibrating machine on my back for half an hour to 45 minutes. He’d say afterwards. so do you feel better now. At the time I had much anxiety as well and “Yeah I feel a bit better” which was true but only lasted a couple hours by the time I was home I’d be back to where I started from. So to cut a long story short. I didn’t have much faith in the system when I had back problems.

When I was recently in hospital I noticed a similar pain in my back with the same numb tingling going down the back of my leg. I explained it to the doctors in emergency they didn’t mess about the did an MRI and had many doctors check it and verify where the pain was coming from. They gave me some ibruprofen and endone ( I was wondering how I was gonna deal with the pain when it wore off). Which gave me much relief. I could actually lie comfortably.

Since hospital I’ve seen my local doctor. He looked at my back and understood what I was saying about how my leg aches and feels tingly. He put me on paracetamol every 5 hours and one tramadol sr 150mg soon up to 200mg to get through the night. I was skeptical about the tramadol actually relieving this much pain. But to my surprise it works wonderfully and one tablet lasts all day. I don’t know how long this back ache will last but I learned alot from last time. eg. Getting out of bed slowly, not forcing myself to stand up straight. etc.

Hopefully It’ll be good soon,