Things that have changed over the last year:
1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.
2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).
3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).
4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?
Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.
After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.
Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.