Run for The Biggest Hills

June 10, 2013

While I wait for DBT to start, (Suggested and helped by M) I am looking for one on one therapy.

Again I find a therapist I really thought I could get along with she was also only a skateboard ride away so I was even going out and Happy too! yes that’s right i was happy to be able to do it myself.
After 3 sessions and things were looking good, I was being as open as anyone could that has only just met someone but her wisdom similar to Mark was comforting, I really believed there was a great help. On the 3rd appointment she apologized and said her department had moved her very far from my house, So again I found myself alone.
I feel like if I don’t tell someone whats happening I cannot guarantee my safety, Yesterday I woke up at 4 approx in the morning walking around the hills. I was kinda cold and had no wallet or phone. I figured out my way home and made it without any problems — Except I don’t know how I got there!!! I am scared, really scared, I feel like I am out of Ideas.
This morning I went riding my skateboard of which I have a helmet cam to capture the high-speed action… But what I watched of the film today frightened me even more. The footage shows me walking down to where I skate and sitting down on my board about half way there, The camera shows me sitting there for 2-3 minutes not moving at all. A car drives past me and I get up in the footage and continue on my way.
I am not sure what happened and without constantly wearing the cam I will never know what happens… Unsettling to say the least, My partner saw it and asked what Was happening in the idle 2-3 minutes of footage. He suspected the worse when he looked at me with my very clueless look on my face. I just shook my shoulders. In my head I am freaking out badly.
So this last therapist passed me onto a lovely little girl Danni, She introduced herself as a committed supporter of me and if I needed time off that was ok if I wanted a year off then another chat that would also be ok, I hadn’t felt safer since when M said it but he said it with conviction, Danni won’t even read the previous doctors notes, She says I get opportunities given to me (Which totally takes away the hours a day for years of hard work to get where I am I am sorry she failed level one six and under in kindy but no need to compare lives, She said ” I have done the same as you and I didn’t get any opportunities) (Sure) I asked why not read my doctors competent notes and she said She has a method of reading into everything a person says and looks like, (This is also not true because she didn’t hear a word I had to say as she was getting louder and the exit to the room is on the other side. (Panic attacks are common in her room)This is her method but if you don’t listen to the patient or read the referral it’s gonna take a really long time to gain trust and feel safe.

When I walked out I was so sad, I couldn’t pull myself together, I begged to se someone else, My partner suggested making amends with my psych from a year ago, he said I was most stable then, That just threw me into a deeper spiral as I don’t think he would ever have me back, I really am a good patient, I just said a really bad thing, I had just got into fencing and I liked mentioning it in conversation, It was completely out of context, If he had just given me another fortnight he would see I was only finally excited about picking up a new sport. I hate myself everyday for this.

Now if I wanted to go back to school to get the shit kicked outta me I would continue ”Therapy”

(now If someone tries to physically hurt me I always fight back. Eg. Neighbours all came out to ”Bash” me I laughed and ran at them. It must have been a revelation for them. They said I was crazy…. I proudly remarked and ran up to him and yelled yes I’m fucking crazy so don’t fuck with me or my animals or cactus, Mind you I wouldn’t mind if they got a closer look at some of these cacti. They don’t know how much I don’t care about them, They ruin the neighbourhood and have no consideration for others, they lie to police they poison all the locals front yards in an attempt to show they have power!!! Come on who thinks sneaking around the neighbourhood at 2 a.m breaking windows and throwing poison is any kind of power?!?, including setting a bush and a house on fire 3 houses down in a 13 year olds room. This is when the boys from the family were 19-20 (that’s another story but I’ll let you fit the pieces together) when the father was out of the house.
I would be keen going to therapy but the similarities are far too close. TRUST – That means something to me. I mean I will let her get away with a few put downs and raising her voice even acting quite threatening by leaning closer and yelling telling me I have never lived because the jobs I have had aren’t ”normal”. That’s right she actually said ”Haven’t you ever had a normal job” Before I got a chance to answer she then went on about how popular I am? How would she know how many or few friends I have, In fact 2 close friends are terminal and I don’t know how to make things better. My best friend in the whole world (Besides My little Brother) is stuck in a cold country and has a new life, He doesn’t need me or my support anymore, Pity because I still really need a friend. He was the only one that wasn’t a taker, He has a nice girlfriend now so he has no time for me. I understand but he was the only one since Dr Mark I could be honest with about how I feel. Saying how I feel in this house I live in always makes a fight leaving me worse and much more spontaneous and I find the clues and evidence of what’s been happening. I promised not to slash my wrists to a few my partner and Craig and Mark but they’re opinions mean less everyday.
But that’s just left me with a very difficult life. Painful with TN hitting me every day, On top of that it really doesn’t help getting in really bad accidents and illnesses. I need to talk to someone who will listen not just lecture from this 25 year old (not all 25-year-old therapists are childish) I like Child-Like but Childish and teasing is no way to treat a patient, She kept saying there was something wrong with my thinking I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen I kept giving her a lot of time but she just hurt me over and over, and asked me if I knew why she was being so cruel. I said ”Maybe it’d because you don’t understand me so you are overcompensating for not knowing very basic skills. So one last session left. What should I say, Considering I said the worst thing to the most helpful one, what should someone hear who is always belittling me and laughing at my life… My words may be a little rough, But I am sure she will get the idea I don’t want another bully in my life. Knowing it’s the end of this ”relationship” Do I just keep saying, so this is the last one , You don’t want to see me anymore do you??? And just keep doing it till she does what Mark did and assume I don’t want anymore help in the case of M he didn’t understand it was my way of making sure he would stick by me. ( Now I know it makes them give up It might just be the thing to say, This is if I remember any of it. I’ll let her down easy, Heaven knows I have it all!!!

Why Can’t I ever do anything right, They say well you learnt that lesson didn’t you???
Sure yeh I learned umm, Don’t joke, Irony. My Mum is an Artist but I see no colour, My Dad was a bridge builder in the army and all I ever do is burn bridges. My Uncle was taken by a shark and I am always surrounding myself with sharks, My Auntie smokes pot outta baskets, I am a basket case, My cousin works for a secret Govt blah, The same government that picks on me and just keeps judging. My fav Cousin in Aust lives so far away I never see her, But when I turn around to find anyone left here in my city, No one is left, Sure I could meet my step siblings but tattoos and street drugs just aren’t my cup of tea. Being a non drug user also makes me the most unpopular at my own parties,
Where have all the good people gone?

Here it is clear as crystal. I am a dancer, A mosquito ruined me for 2 years then I caught ross river a second time. So training is very difficult. When a dancer of 6 years dedicated day and night to train and entertain looses they’re Identity. It feels like a part of my heart is torn out. This happened 5 years ago and it impacts on everything I do. I am still with a crew but we barely get to catch up. Mainly it’s my fault, Car…Anxiety…Pain, and I don’t want to share these facts with my friends or they will have thoughts about me and, I don’t need any friends analysing my problems or congratulating me when I go out. I want it to be normal. Or at least look normal.
I let people have 10 chances because I really want to believe people really are good inside. I always get burnt. Look It’s really amazing I’m kicking on after this year
It’s incredibly astronomical that the same days you remember like your first bike ride aren’t the only days you remember, I remember the date I said the dumbest thing in the world. everyday it hurts. It hurts because I was not serious, It hurts that someone thinks I would ever do such a thing. It hurts that every day I know the best gave up on me when I needed his help most.

Luckily some mental health workers are trying to help me find someone I can talk to.

Peace & Love,
NIght Worrier ❤

New Challenges

October 15, 2010

Everyday is a struggle but I push myself out of bed even if I’ve had only a couple of hours sleep and or had nightmares. I make my way to the fridge and drink an ‘up and go’ which for those unaware is like a chocolate drink in a carton with more nutrition then I’m likely to get throughout any given day. I have a 3 minute shower and look out the back window to see the new day. Lately the weather has been unpredictable and drizzle and grey clouds don’t really whip up happiness. So maybe the docs right I have sunlight affective disorder. Or maybe I’m just human. After feeling worn out from pain of TN that usually occurs every morning.
occasionally I wake up in pain and that is hell on earth. Hell on earth.
I have started guitar lessons with good tutor. I am learning slowly but it’s an excellent way to relax when I’m feeling like I’m getting uptight. I have only learned a few chords and sounds but it’s a lot better then I expected. I thought I was doomed to fail the guitar as my previous attempts have been very poor. I thought it was a good opportunity to take the fear from the guitar and get to a level I’m happy with. I’d like to play a few tunes one day. If I keep practicing I will. I am already feeling better about it.
It has helped a lot especially lately with the return of some unwanted monsters, one of which is anxiety and panic attacks. If I could go a whole day with out one it would make my life so much easier and less scared of the next one, It’s as unpredictable as T.N. Not as painful but nearly as scary. There are more monsters chasing me about but I’ll leave that for another entry.
I’m trying to get better as fast as possible, I take zyprexa to help with my appetite but it is not working nor is it helping the sleep.(It is somewhat helping with the back round noise I’d like it to last a bit longer. From what I recall in the past Olanzapine (zyprexa) has caused me to eat and even put on a couple of kilos. This time round it’s the opposite I have no desire to eat and feel awful if I do. I’m not sure whats going on. I have not to my recollection ever had this much trouble eating.
Doctor news. Well I have been waiting a long time to see a doctor that practices closer to my home instead of a 45 minute drive, Which is very difficult as I feel bad about having to ask for help from my support workers to drive me. It’s a waste of time (not always)I could be talking with my support worker over a coffee, Or participating in something constructive.
I am now really needing a closer doctor and maybe even have a medicine review. It totally destroys the whole concept that I am supposed to not think about pain when so many hours a week waiting at the pharmacy picking up medications, having doctor appointments, Screaming when I need breakthrough medication, remembering to take my tablets 3 times a day, Enjoying something then I get a severe attack. I can’t help but feel how unfair this is, I was brought up not to believe in unfairness but This has changed things for me. I look at things differently according to what my T.N will allow.
Apart from all that I do manage to find the time to paint, Play guitar/trumpet, Hang out with my dogs, Ride my bike around the backyard, Even break dance when I’m not in too much pain T.N or ross river which I thought would have gone by now, It comes back ever time I have a cold or flu and makes my knees, elbows, ankles and wrists really hurt and slightly swell. I would just like to have a day with no physical or emotional/mentally distress. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
I will continue to work on my focusing method to ease the pain it seems to work. Just a little trick I learned one day when the pain became unbearable and suicidal I stared at a light which I concentrated on until the pain gave me a few seconds relief. Now I have a rock in my bag/pocket in case. I can take it out and focus on it in emergencies. But for real emergencies I’m not messing about any more Anaphylactic shock, fainting, loosing the plot. Any of the above I now don’t mind if I end up with a night in hospital. Better then being dead hey? Well so a few people I know think, Love to you souls who want to see me doing better, and getting out of this pain.
Well I have to go practice guitar for a while in substitute for my clonazepam. In all honesty the clonazepam works a treat for the TN but isn’t the greatest for anxiety I already have a problem with he colour of the pill (and the cost $$$) but anything for the TN. I’m hoping someone can help me more with the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are getting rougher and more consuming. I really feel like I am going crazy, my friends have assured me I am not and it will pass, I really want that to happen soon. I feel like life should cut me a little slack so I can use what tools I have to try and repair the damage in my head. Well I need a dose of guitar now.

I really have a lot on my mind and when I get the chance I will right it down, It usually helps me get some of my brain in order. If I fail I will just take the Olanzapine and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I should wake feeling much better then this.

What will the day bring?

March 3, 2008

 Considering I woke up pretty early with my partner still in bed I can enjoy some of the peacefulness and enjoy looking at the unmoved things from the night before and the silence. Hmm the silence what can I say? Astounding all I hear is the cpu fan running. Ah  no I speak to soon he’s getting up and soon Yep he’s just walked past. That means the techno will be cranking ( I really only have a problem with techno but in the morning It’s so fast and makes my brain and heart race ( somtimes just complete panic. I don’t think humans were meant to listen to that kinda beat upon waking. and the sound of breakfast and food preparation will  take over. I might go for a walk later n try n chill out. Gotta loose some weight (feeling last nights pizza.)

Yesterday my mate came over. Real good mate. It’s like they feel they have to give me intervention for everything! Stress, Getting over my problems, long term goals how to not have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Yeh ya heard me they reckon I should just not complain about it ever! cos it’s just an ailment and I don’t have the right to be in pain. I’m apparently suppose to be in a higher realm where people don’t feel pain. WTF this isn’t Scientology. Even if it was I’m pretty sure the pain would still be there.

Well all that said I love my friends but hey just let me do things my way. If ya aint gonna support or understand don’t kick me when I’m down. I’ll kick myself . Trust me.

I’l find somthing to do today treatment wise. maybe just a walk around the block.  Or do some shopping. might even boil down to just can I do anything I’m pretty nervy today.

Here we go the dog and the man are running around the house yelling and barking (Yes for fun). Is it just me or does that sound primitive.

The only reason he spends more time with the dog is because he speaks dog and chooses not to speak to me. During the day there will be more then half the time he says something he’s actually talking to the dog.  Yes it does make me feel less of a human.  Maybe I’ll do a painting or continue my sketches down at the creek. Yeh thats sounds like a plan. Sounds quiet too, Which I think will be todays theme. As it should sooth the nightmares and bring me back to some kind of reality. I’ll also get straight onto the medication cos the TN is grabbing and making me pretty irritable not to mention excruciatingly sore.

I need to try some self -help stuff. No not my usual methods. Something different. Wish me luck



My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

February 16, 2008

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.



TN is drivin me nuts

February 16, 2008

Im getting about 30 to 100 attacks a day I barely get any relief. I really hope the doc can help me. It’s sux a pity the Tegretol didn’t work. hot cold absoluttey nothing works. Only cutting but its no good in the long run. I feel so bad about it now. but when the pain starts to come it does seem to sooth it a bit. It maks me want to die. I start to see no hope.

I asked the doc last week how long it would last she thought months. MONTHS!!! It drive me nuts all day long its making all my other disorders worse.

I hope one day I can fit in with the rest of the community.



Jeebus, it’s never ending

February 15, 2008

So I wake up at 6am again Throwing my guts up. I think it’s just nerves for the coming day.

Well amazingly.  I woke up after a few!!! benzo and a beer. Yeah I’ve lived through more then that. I can’t really eplain the pain and turmoil I’m in at the moment. The physical things like my back and spained ankle are really getting to me.Not to mention the excruciating pain of the TN The world just seems so overwhelming right now.

After a night of benzos for sleep and Tramadol for pain. I wake up in the same emotional and physical pain I went to sleep with. it seems never ending.

I’m still trying to pace myself a day at a time.

It’s unfortunate my partner can’t see/understand my pain. It would make life so much easier. I can’t say I truely understand his either.

I just want everyone to be happy.



Isn’t Diazepam a life saver?

February 12, 2008

Well last doctors appointment I decided to switch back to valium. Yes it was definatly worth it. It even is helping with the trigeminal neuralgia. The Tramadol is also helping a bit but only in fairly high dosages. Since going back on valium I have lost all motivation to actually hurt myself but enough to go to a shop and not be totally freaked out. I think switching medications every now and then is good. Seems to work for me anyway.

If it weren’t for the TN I’d almost be living a normal life. I might even consider getting a real job. It’s hard to say. I need to stay on the dexamphetamine for that to happen.

I’ve been distracting myself by doing water colours of things. I find it pretty relaxing. Only prob is I never seem to finish them. Ah well. thats ADHD for ya.

Today has been good on the TN side of things. Probably only 20 attacks and it’s 6:30pm. The day has been very slow and not too disturbing (considering the night of bad dreams)

I wish everyday was this good.